my Journey
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2012-09-10 08:45:43 (UTC)

Thinking of You

i keep thinking about Him. i can't stop it. It is a strange concept and one i wrote about in my journal the other day (the one i sent to Him) about how sometimes it seems i can go for days and even weeks without thinking much about the Lifestyle and my slavery to turn around and suddenly seem almost obsessed with it.

Perhaps this has to do with the fact that i find myself constantly stuffing things down inside of myself, tucking it tightly away so that i can cope without sadness and causing burden. The situation is what it is. i chose this situation. i begged for it. i begged for my collar before i even understood what i was begging for. And once having realized, begged again to be worthy of it. And still beg. i will never stop begging for that. Above all else, honoring my collar is my biggest desire because it is the physical manifestation of my Master with me here. i cannot serve my Master if i fail at deserving my collar.

He is busy right now. There are things i could be doing. i could make a list of things that He would do if He were here in this body. He teaches me that a slave is a reflection of her Master. i know i should probably do them, but i can't. All i want to do right now is think about Him and about being His slave.

Maybe it's a way for me to feel close, like if i can analyze it enough or just hold a thought or imagine something...or remember His Touch or Voice or Smell...anything...then i can somehow close some of the distance that keeps us so far apart.

He told me He is so focused on finding a job right now that He refuses to even eat. i wanted to argue. He would NEVER allow me to get away with that. Once i even tried to pull the, "i'll eat when You eat" line on Him. Guess how well that worked? i didn't say anything about Him eating.

i asked whether there was anything i could do to help. i want to be of use. i want to help Him. He said no. The only thing left i could think of to say was, "i am here if You need me or want to take a break. i love You, Master." He replied, "I love you too."


i don't know why i can't stop thinking about Him. i don't know why i want to kneel and beg right now, to worship Him and feel Him looking at me, to know better than to look up and to only focus on pleasing Him. i can't have that, and so i feel almost on pause. It's a strange feeling, and i'm not particularly talented at expressing myself. i don't know what to call this emotion. i just feel like whatever it is can't be fixed without serving Him in some way. Yet there is nothing i can do.

So i go to my diary here and write. i can't write this in the journal i send to Him because as i said before, it would just be too much. Eventually, however, i hope to hone my communication skills and modify my thinking patterns so that this is not longer an issue. i feel so guilty for even writing this...but if i don't it won't come out.

Master says i am much more valuable to Him whole than broken. If this helps me with something, then i am obligated by His preference to continue. my single most important command is to take care of His slave because she is His most cherished possession. That's what i'm trying to do.

i'm not trying to be sneaky. i did delete the email confirmation about the creation of this journal, but that is only because i set it to public in the event that someone decides to send feedback. i didn't want Master to see that and misconstrue it. These are genuine entries. He is a private Person. He would probably be upset.

So much conflict. He wants me whole; He wants me honest. Being completely honest with Him would hurt me because i would see Him hurt.

He encourages expression; He values privacy. If He wants me to take care of myself, then why can i not write here? i have no Lifestyle friends. He has no Dom friends in the area who could talk to me about my approach with sub friends... He can't offer me that, and i can't find it for myself. This just isn't the right city. Besides, that would definitely get me in trouble.

i'm an easy target. Very easy. Even if there was an active BDSM community in this area, Master would never allow me to participate in anything unless He was physically there. Besides, He is extremely particular when it comes to what i know. He doesn't want me researching anything arbitrarily. i may offer Him a link or suggest a book title, but i am not allowed to choose the materials from which i learn.

He says since the Lifestyle is so personalized, it doesn't do a lot of good to listen to other people talk about their sets of rules/protocol. i think He is so adament about this because i am so much younger than He is. i think He doesn't want me corrupted. He wants to train me specifically for Him without any ouside influence. i understand and appreciate that.

Still, part of me wishes for companionship. i don't seek to befriend dominant people. i don't trust in general. i would be afraid of expectations. i am a slave, but i am not a slave to just anybody. i know a real Dom or Master would know and respect this, but without my Master there to physically protect me, i would feel endangered.

But a sub or another slave...that would be different. One i don't have to compete with...and i am so grateful (as a side note) that my Master says His Hands are full with just me. i couldn't emotionally deal with Him having other slaves, although at this point if He chose to take more i couldn't protest. He knows, and He would never do this to me. That's why i can submit to Him fully. He will not abuse His power over me. He will not hurt me just because He can and knows i won't try to stop Him.

It would be nice to have this conversation with a person rather than a keyboard...just to get out of the house. Make myself presentable and go for a walk and talk about our Masters and bounce ideas off of each other. Help each other clean our houses so that our Masters see the effort we put into serving them...i don't know.

i have talked with Master about this before, and He has given me names of some subs to talk to online...but i grew to hate them. There was one in particular. i don't understand why some subs are so insidiously mean. What is the point in that? And for a stranger to call me sis was just odd...that's an intimate kind of term. But i blew it off...everyone has their own style.

She tried to insinuate that somehow i am a shitty slave because of all the mistakes i have made with Master in the past...there was a time when i was failing Him so badly i just requested release. He didn't know what was going on, and i could have kept my collar and just kept going, pretending that i was loving Him and obeying Him. But i was breaking His Rules behind His Back and couldn't stop. i didn't know what to do. i didn't want to lose my collar, but i would rather lose it than lie to Him on a continual basis. i couldn't stop what i was doing at the time.

She had a point, but when she had learned that He had since recollared me (it took a while of course, and i am still dealing with the reprecussions of my actions), she began attacking Him. He is merciful. i don't know why He recollared me. i felt it was over forever. i still kept the collar. i couldn't get rid of it, but i felt i would never wear it again. But He did. He gave it back...eventually. She contacted the BRS and tried to strip His Title from Him...saying that He was a low-standard Master for accepting me back as His slave after my betrayal to Him...

Girls can be catty...i get that. i expected her (as a more experienced sub and based on her attitude) to look down on me. There was some jealousy there too, as Master told me she had once tried to become His slave and had failed. i don't mind her being a bitch to me necessarily, but i couldn't believe she would try to hurt my Master like that.

i had thought we could become friends...i had opened up to her and told her some very private things, things only my Master and myself knew about, thinking that it would help create a bond between us, that i could find some commonality there and in that, a friendship.

i am afraid of trying to befriend another sub/slave. i am afraid of opening up to any other dom or spending any one on one time with one. So i just think about my Master in my bedroom and write my things or go over His rules in my head. i try to recite the things He has taught me and review the concepts i have learned since becoming His slave.

i remember the choices i have made as a direct result of becoming Owned and how those choices have affected my life, my thinking, my emotions, and the people around me.

i just sit and think, sit and think. Sometimes i want to vibrate His clit, but i know better. i could ask. i consider it.

i will not touch Master's clit without His permission.

i used to break that rule all the time. It got so bad i asked permission to write sentences every time i wanted to disobey Him. i mailed Him the sentences. i would write until i didn't desire an orgasm anymore. i think it helped.

i wonder if He has kept all that i have sent Him...

i'm sorry this was long and all over the place.

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