MasterWolf_ncs_lilbrat

my Journey
2012-09-10 00:37:12 (UTC)

Punishment

i used to get angry at Master. He doesn't punish me in a traditional sense. In fact, most of the time He doesn't seem to punish me at all. It used to confuse me. i wanted it...Things are so much more difficult when there is no punishment. Hurting for Him and bearing pain is a physical demonstration of my remorse, regret...it shows my willingness to submit to Him in that moment. my sadness, pain, tears, whatever reaction i have shows my disappointment in myself, the shame i brought on my collar and on us.

"I find comfort and reassurance in the knowledge that I will be punished for my mistakes. The punishment I receive and the forgiveness that follows allow me the freedom to be human. It is a demonstration to me that I do not need to be perfect to be loved and valued."

i read that in a book i have. i do not receive a punishment. In the beginning i sought it and tried to push Master. i am not dominant, but i was trying to top from the bottom, steer Him where i wanted Him to take me. He never let me. He didn't budge. He probably knew what i was trying to do. He has been a Master close to 30 years. i have been a slave for 2 and a half. He is very smart and perceptive. He knows me, and He knows how slaves think. i'm sure He knew. He didn't admit it though. He just didn't give in.

i respected that but was still angry about it. Strange, isn't it? Anger and respect towards the same thing?

As i have grown in my slavery, i have come to realize that Master has been punishing me the whole time but in a very sneaky kind of way. When He didn't punish me overtly i began to disobey Him more. i quit admitting my transgressions to Him. Eventually that led to things that caused a GREAT deal of turmoil in our relationship to the point i almost lost Him forever. Obviously i wasn't being a very good slave.

i always envisioned a punishment like this: i do wrong, He causes me to suffer, the suffering is my payment, the debt is erased, i am forgiven, we move on. Master doesn't punish that way. Instead, He prefers to keep His words short. When He has directly punished me, it has been through silence. That hurts. He knows it does because i have told Him so. i have told Him silence is the worst form of punishment for me. To know i have upset Him, disappointed Him to the point that He doesn't even want to acknowledge my existence is very painful. Every minute lasts forever, and all i want to do is throw myself at His Feet, crying...to just say, "i'm so sorry, Master" and to never hurt Him again.

He told me in the beginning i am very hard on myself. He also said that if i am His property and He is my Master, that it is not my place to be harder on myself than He is. i am not to take away His control of my sorrow or sadness. i am not the Master, He is. If He says something is okay, i must accept that. No exceptions.

When i do wrong, i usually feel pretty bad about it. i want to please Him. i don't want to disappoint Him. i want to support Him and be a wonderful addition in His life. i understand being a Master is a lot of work. i don't mean to be more work than i have to be. i want to help Master so that He can be as stress-free as possible. i want to help His reputation. i want to help Him gain respect through my level of submission and obedience.

He is a Grand Master. There is no higher Title. i feel i should be one of the best slaves in the world since i am Owned by One of the best Masters. When i realize i am not being the caliber slave i want for myself, i get upset. i often cry, but i try not to let Him see. It's embarrassing. i know better than to hide it. i am prohibited from hiding my tears from Him. He says a slave should cry. He says it's a release and that i will cry when i have disappointed Him. He said that is normal. He also said He doesn't enjoy watching me cry, but hiding it from Him is disrespectful.

It's almost as if He was implanting Himself inside of me so that when i disobey or disappoint Him i will chastize myself...setting it up so there is correction from within rather than Him administering a physical punishment. He said it doesn't make sense to spank a slave if she likes spanking anyway. He has punished me before with orgasm control/denial, but He has never instructed me to hurt myself to apologize to Him.

i want Him to push my limits in general, but i am content with His decision. i have a low pain tolerance. There is nothing i wouldn't bear for Him, but i am not very confident i could stay conscious or silent. One day i hope for Him to train me to be silent when He wants me to be, no matter how hard he flogs me or whatever else He decides to do. That will take a lot of work.

Master guides me as much as He can from so far away, but most of my training has focused on me thinking like He does and expecting a lot out of myself. There are a few things that He has taught me i am to never forget:

"A slave without obedience is no slave at all."

"i must be willing to accept Master's authority in every area of my life, no matter how small, forever."

"The decision to submit to the process of becoming Master's slave is the last one i have the right to make. All other choices will be His."

"i will include in my journals how i am working to become a more obedient and pleasing slave."

"A slave acts as if she is in the presence of her Master at all times."

When i disobey, those things flood my mind and i feel overwhelmed with sorrow. i never mean to be a disgrace. i never want to let Him down. i realize i'm not perfect, but i do try. i try to be the best slave possible. i am new and have a lot to learn.

i write this because it is only recently i learned what Master has been doing this whole time...witholding punishment to allow me to see the natural consequences of disobeying His Rules so that i will change my preferences, attitudes, and behaviors to preserve my collar and my status in His Eyes. i want Him to be proud of me. He is so damn smart. i adore Him. He is a wonderful Master. He deserves the best i have to give Him, and i am trying very hard to develop that for His benefit. i love Him, and i am grateful for His mercy.




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