Tania

Moments
2011-07-09 21:21:15 (UTC)

the what if questions....

Dear diary,

For the last couple of month I have not heard or seen James. Well you might think that’s a good thing right. Well it was till today. I am dating this guy Jonathan the guy I met at a party. Well he is gorgeous and so totally Christian sometime it freaks me out He is all about his church and God.
Today Jonathan and I he we went shopping, well actually I went shopping and he came with. As we where sitting at this restaurant to just eat lunch I saw James walking by. He looks at me, he smiles and it wasn’t till then that I realized how much I had missed him. I get up and he hugged me like we hadn’t seen each other in years. It sure felt like it, but it had just been 4 months.

He looked at me and he said it has been a long time. I said yes indeed it has been too long. I introduced Jonathan and left cause it got awkward. That night he called me and we kept talking till twelve o’clock.
We both could sleep so he asked me if he could come over, just to talk. And 15 minutes later he was at my front door.

(Let me explain to you my personality, I am quiet, I am may seem like a shy person but I am very secure of myself. I very much overthink everything 3 times before I do or say something.
And yet I am never able to say what I feel.)

So we are sitting on my couch watching a movie and we fall asleep I had my head on his shoulder that I remember. So I wake up go to my room and look on my phone what time it is. It was now 6 o’clock and 1 voicemail from James. I start listening to it and it went like this. Hey Tania uhm I just left your house, well I am going home. Fuck, you know what I don’t care I you have a boyfriend. The reason why I have not been calling you or texting you is because I Like you a lot and I know you don’t thing I am some old dude with issues well. Well I am, I am not that old but much older than you are. So I totally get if you don’t want to see me again. So that’s it I just made a total fool of my self over the phone. I am sorry I couldn’t do this in person.
Okay bye.

Could it be really he did just tell me exactly what I wanted to hear, but suddenly I was scared?

I’m 18 And I am still a virgin, what if he wanted more than just kissing. What if I couldn’t, what if he broke my heart. What if question that went on and on in my mind.




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