MasterWolf_ncs_lilbrat

my Journey
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2012-09-09 16:13:08 (UTC)

Ambiguous Loss

i miss my Master. He is everything to me. i need Him so much more than i could ever express. The situation is the most difficult thing i have ever had to endure. It just goes on and on endlessly, and i get so sad. i love Him. i love my collar. i won't say anything. If either of us could change things right now they would be different. i don't want to whine or complain. i don't want Him to see my sorrow. i should be a strong slave, a good slave.

It kills me. i knew about the distance when i asked Him to train me. i knew about the distance when He collared me. i had no idea how much i would end up loving and needing Him, and the more time that passes the more i am missing out on everything: on Him, on us, on my slavery.

i may be a collared slave, but i cannot live as a slave until i am living with my Master. In some ways i feel i'm not even living at all.

i can't tell Him this because i know He knows. He has had slaves before, and He has a lot of experience with the Lifestyle. i don't want to stress Him out, and i know He can't change it or He would.

i did write that i don't feel like a slave in my journal though, and i asked Him whether i have immunity for what i write there. He said it depends. i sent it and waited a few hours. i knew He had read it and asked whether i was in trouble. He said, "not yet. Do you wanna be?"

No. i don't want to be in trouble. i just want Him to know. i am supposed to let Him know everything. Sometimes what i have to communicate is painful. i would rather hurt alone than share my burden with Him. i don't want be a part of piling it on.

i just feel like i'm losing Him. i feel like He is slipping through my fingers and we haven't even lived together yet. How can a person lose something before they even have it? But that's how it feels...and it's so slow and so turtorous...and so, so fucking sad.

What if i can finally afford to move up there, and then He forgets me? What if things between us are never the same? i don't really have very specific fears, but i am very afraid that somehow i will lose the opportunity to live as and develop into the slave i want to become...i don't know how, but i am afraid. i am so afraid.

i miss Him. i need Him. i need to serve Him in a real and permanent way...i serve Him as i can here, but it isn't enough for me. i accept it as a temporary arrangement, but i cannot live this way. i am a slave! i MUST live with my Owner. It's the only way.

i am just really sad.

Maybe it's a lot of little stressors, maybe it's that He cut His Hair, maybe it's that He says He is losing His Hearing, His memory...it just seems to be fading away. i'm not sure i can handle it. But what else can i do? i am His girl.

i do wish i had some slave friends to talk to. i don't feel it is appropriate or right for me to talk to Him about all the things that bother me. i shouldn't hide them, and i don't. But i need support, and i can't talk to my vanilla acquaintances or the people in my family. They could never understand.

i just hope everything works out in the end. i don't want all our memories to only be mine. i want us BOTH to cherish what we have. i want to share it with Him. i need Him. i need to be close. i want to be trained properly. This just isn't enough.

Sometimes i want to be selfish and just blurt it all out. i want His comfort. His presence is unlike any other comfort i ever have known or ever could know. It's ironic that i must bear the worst pain i have ever experienced without the help of the most powerful source of comfort i have available to me.

But i will do my best.


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