my Journey
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2012-09-08 11:10:11 (UTC)

Bad Thoughts

i feel terrible about the things i wrote in my last entry. i never should have written them. This is why i keep things from Master. i know it's wrong, but if i had ever shown Him that entry, it would have infuriated and hurt Him so badly.

i get selfish and defensive. i want Master to be my own. i don't want Him to choose something over me. i have no reason to think He would. i fear it because of my own personal issues that have nothing to do with Him, and that isn't fair.

It is wrong of me to be so critical of Him. He is going through more than i ever could deal with, and what He needs from me is support...genuine support.

i texted Him right before work. i finally just told Him after some of this blows over i wanted us to discuss our future together because we never really have. He didn't respond. i told Him i didn't mean to upset Him, and He replied that it kind of did. i told Him it had nothing to do with money in case that's where He thought i was going with that.

i have thought a lot about money in regards to our relationship. i love Him and have decided that the money has no bearing on my choices concerning whether or not to pursue the relationship. i chose that a long time ago. i didn't want Him to feel like since His disability was denied that i will just walk out on Him. my love is much deeper than that.

i am not interested in what is tangible in the current situation because i realize that right now there is no way we could live together. i am interested in His intentions. If the situation were different, would He live with me? Would He want to?

In my heart i truly believe He would and He does want to. Sometimes i get nervous and want the reassurance from Him. That's why i texted Him today.


He told me that until He has an income He is not willing to change the fact that i have a roof over my head and a steady job. He said that i have no right to be critical of Bardi when i am adding stress to Him also.

When He said that, my entire perspective changed. He isn't trying to keep me at Arm's length. He is protecting me. The fact that the conversation causes Him so much stress is a sign to me that He really DOES want it. Maybe He even wants it as much as i do...maybe even more. i am wrong to doubt my Master or His intentions. i feel really terrible about all that i said before.

i have no right to be pissed off at Him, and most of the anger i expressed was really just masked fear. i don't want to lose Him. i don't want poverty to keep us apart.

i am determined to figure out a solution to this. i love Him, and i will not just sit by and be poor and miss out on this. He has changed my life whether He believes it or not. and i just feel so terrible.

The worst part is that i can't even admit it. In order for me to apologize i would have to admit the things i said in the first place. i can't bring myself to hurt Him, and i won't. i'm glad i found this online diary.

i hope this doesn't make me a bad slave.

i really, really want to be 100% honest with my Master, but my desire to protect Him from hurt feelings outweighs my desire for honesty.

That may be wrong, but my heart tells me it's right. i guess in the end i am willing to face His anger over obscurity than to know i have hurt Him by immature and hasty thoughts about Him that are untrue.

Master would never hurt me. He would never allow me to move and then refuse me. He would not do that to me. He would not shun me for His mom. He will not abandon me.

i will never again accuse Him of having the capacity to do those things to me. my Master loves me, and He is a real Man.

He shuts down the conversations because it hurts Him: He wants what i want and feels bad because He cannot make it happen. i think it hurts Him more than i realize.

He prohibits me from moving not because He is playing games with me or wants to keep me distant: He wants the best for me and knows i would sacrifice everything to be with Him. He thinks it's sweet but stupid and won't allow me to jump into a bad situation or get Abbie in one either.

i'm just too impatient. i am wrong for all that i said, and i regret it. i am grateful to be Owned by a Master Who loves me so much. He is everything i need, and i am exactly where i belong.

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