John Doe

Chronicles of a Drifter
2012-09-06 23:13:50 (UTC)

entry 121

I almost didn't make it today. I almost...I was literally just dead today. Didn't talk that much, held my eyes down, felt like I had no pulse. Sandy and Jason are back together. I know I pushed them back to each other and its all my fault. I know I need to let go and move on...its so hard. I was in the bathroom after I had seen Jason leave the B building, and he had entered again I guess. While I was about to exit the restroom, he passed by and I stopped myself and went back to a stall for a little just to hide. We made eye contact. Sandy skipped practice today and I'm scared that they were doing stuff or having sex in that lonely building, which they probably were. Atleast fingering or jacking off. I was literally hyperventalating inside the stall and talking to myself. I had like this weird rush in my body. It felt like my body temperature got hotter. And I was hugging myself because I knew I had no one else to hold me. It hurts. They are tearing away at my heart. Sandy knew I liked him...she talked all that shit about him. Like how she was disgusted and annoyed at how he was talking to her..I should have known. She likes the attention. Damnit.. I should have known. But I already know the next move...they aren't going to last believe me. And I'm going to hear about how she gave him head or let him eat her out and how he was unfaithful. Its going to hurt more. WHY CAN'T I LET GO?!!! God damnit. I was fucking crying in that stall. I've got nowhere to go now. My aunt left so that room isn't alone and I can't go sob there anymore. I'm stuck at home which means I can't go aywhere else. I was bawling in math class just thinking about Jason. I had a bad feeling all day. Now I know why...my heart was telling me. Jason and Sandy are at it behind your back. Well...what now? What do I do now? I can't do anything I suppose. I've got no choice but to bottle it in and go on with my day.
I can't wait to leave this school and this guy. I'm alone..I'm tired...I'm depressed...I deserve it. But no...I'm gonna find a way out of this if it kills me. Someway, somehow. There's got to be an answer to fixing a broken heart. Everytme I even LOOK at jason I die inside. It kills my day. I need to just be away from him. That's the thing. I need to migrate somewhere else. But that schools the size of my backyard, I've got nowhere to go. . . I'm donefor.




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