Buddy

BuddyinAA
2012-09-07 02:14:19 (UTC)

Starting Over

So, this is the first day of writing in a journal in a couple of years. I should have done this sooner, I think. This is Day 8 of my sobriety, I don't think I have been dry for more than a couple days in a long time. I have tried to quit, told myself I was going to and then didn't follow up. It took that DUI to change myself, hopefully for the best. S2BX hasn't talked to me in a while, not since asking for address and such for divorce papers, I will sign them and make her happy, I can't imagine not loving her, I cry that she is unhappy. I know I really do love her, she is annoying at times but I don't think I will ever get over her enough to date again. Ox is helping out quite a bit by getting me to the gym every night, now I just need to wake early enough to get a good run in and my goals will be complete. I need groceries but I am afraid to buy them and waste money, I might be losing some money here soon, and I need to keep house. I won't sell my bike to keep it, there is money some other way. S2BX unhusbanded me on facebook sometime earlier, I don't know when, but saw it today, she also changed pictures and took me out. I think she genuinely hates me, I don't know why all she ever did was try and control me. I ignored her a lot, which is why I am in the situation, divorce pending and life almost in shambles. Life will go on, I know this but it will be hard. It hurts to breath and think about these things. Work is going to be hectic for the next month or so, I really don't know if I want to stay here. I want the life of a chief out at sea. Honestly I am kind of looking forward to managing my own money rather than getting a lousy allowance of $500 to $700 a month. But I will have my own bills to pay (insurance, rent if I am divorced) I will live on a ship and figure out what insurance will be for me, no other bills I should be pretty set. I guess I will see what happens in the next month or so. Going to watch some netflix and go to sleep. I will write more later, hopefully this could be a daily thing, like Doogie Howser.
I still love S2BX, my heart aches and I tear up when I think what I have put her through over the last 14 years.




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