DayDreamer23

Figurative Language
2012-09-01 04:42:17 (UTC)

Butterflies on my wrists

Dear Kitty,

Why can't my life be like the Disney princesses? Or even a lame Disney character like Hanna Montana? It might seem lame....but we all know that these fictional girls have the best little love stories. Misunderstood for some reason then they get the guy who will love them forever.
I can tell you that honestly guys just don't look at me. They don't see me like that or something. I'm misunderstood, I guess, it sounds really angsty but maybe it's the truth.
I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I guess you are my diary. But Sometimes I'm lying in bed at night and I just don't want to keep going... I want it to be done, I know I can't end it or anything. I'm not going to do that. But I've lightly though about it. I've never cut or self harmed...but I've though about that two. It doesn't seem real though, like I feel depressed sometimes, but then I just can't see myself as a depressed person. I guess sometimes the excitement is just a show for my friends, but lately it's gotten old. I'm always there to be excited for them but when something happens to me it's no big deal even though the same thing would have been so amazing for them.
Can someone be like that? Depressed but just kind of sometimes? Does that even count? It's like when I get away from all the people at school and stuff, at first it's bad because all I can think about is how much people seem to dislike me, then it get's better i guess being away from it all.
Like my summer was amazing after i got away from school. It was like I was free to be me. But now that I've pushed myself out there over the summer and kind of come out of my shell, it seems like I ran right back in as soon as the school bell rang. I just put everything that is me back behind a little door with a big pad lock on it.
I drew a butterfly on my wrist last night, I decided that whenever i was feeling depressed I would draw a little butterfly to remind myself that High school isn't all there is to life. I don't want to self harm or anything and it even seems weird talking about me doing something like that...but I don't know what I would do if I got really depressed. I'm afraid that if I forget to let it all go, and to love life, and to not let everyone stop me, that I'll do something that I'll regret.
It's so cliche because I don't want to be one of those kids. And I don't want to be the girl who just really wants a boy to lover her, but maybe i am...Maybe that's what I want, someone to pull the pad lock off and pry the door open. Someone who can remind me that high school isn't all there is to life.
That's it.
I had a bad kind of day at school.
Sometimes I wish I had someone real to talk to.




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