Fallen from Grace
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2012-08-31 18:27:08 (UTC)

Whats up down deep.

Right now as I write this I am sitting here in the library listening to a song over and over on youtube about to bleed my heart to you. As I sit here in the zone tears pour down my face like the rain outside the window next to me. There is not bad tears. I need to let out the tears because each one that escapes my eye is me letting go of something. I have held on far too long to this stuff. I been holding on them thinking I had it beat and impriosoned... Truthfully it imprisioned me. I found myself reminising and reflecting on the past. In the 5 years I had some major rises and falls. I have overcome obsticals and fallen so many times. Enjoyed and endured unimaginable Pain. I been so out of it NASA can't even locate me. I have found the world beautiful... and others I hate it. I have tried to kill myself twice. I have been killed by others in many ways. Enemies have rose up and friends have betrayed me. The only 2 girls I ever trusted with myself entirely pierced my heart; deflating it and puncturing my soul infecting my very being with sting of toxic in an attempt to murder me inside. I lost my will to live and my sense of direction but fortunatly I got friends who are there to rescue me... in some cases from myself. I have tried to kill myself 3 times in my life once in high school and twice in the last 5 years. I am glad I am still here...

As I was being washed over by this ocean of emotion with tides beating and drowning me a bit I smiled and I realized that when I feel the pain is higher than I can bare I have friends here for me and I do not have to carry this load on my sholders by myself. I know I am a free soul and a dreamer. I'm difficult at times and down right impuslive most of the time. I can be foolish and have guilt and shame I have and pain inside me that is slowly healing. I draw people in and that gets me in trouble sometimes but for the most part I am compassionate and Passionate and no matter what others do it will never make me change. I been broken and reaired. I am misunderstood and though I have voids inside I am far empty inside. I may smoke me some green but go through what I have and see if your perfect. Fuck being perfect I leave that to Christ who I hear about I am just me. It annoys me sometimes to hear people call me Rabbitt still when the part of me died along time ago but whateves. I have made plenty of friends and a few enemies along this journey. The thing about enemies is I do like they do and sink them or leave them afloat. I can be vengful at times but thruthfully if it wernt for video games I would of probably shot up my whole school and few other places. I never make excuses why my life is fucked up I roll with it. The best thing is I have someone in my life right now really loves me. Not like those fakes of my day I can see it in his eyes. He stands by me through it all- Failures and victories. Mike treats me with love weather it rains or in the dreaded sunshine. I maybe morbid but he makes me feel beautiful. I go out of my way to make him feel loved. He picks me up when I am down never kicks me while I'm down. I gave him a chance to rub in my face a few times things especially this with Pandora but he didnt. Thats why I trust him more than anything. He may not understand me but he trys and ask me questions to understand me. He is my best friend. He helps me keep my feet on solid ground. I do secret hope my submissive nature never gets me in trouble. I just must admit hes a ninja when it comes to get through my defenses like my mum does. He sees the pain in my eyes and doesnt trust the smile. Thats where its at. I got to admit... I gave Amanda the right name. Pandora destroyer of worlds but when I think of her I only see the good times we had at the plasma center. Thanx Pandora for your deciet... You helped me see whos real in my life. I love Mike and I did when I got here just didnt relize how much til I got here and got in this situation. Love ya baby. I know you understand my silence and my words.

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