Cayce

The Life of A Girl Like Me
2012-08-29 19:47:16 (UTC)

Real life.. Just want to be normal!!!!

My sister had a stroke on august 6. i put aside all of our differences and have been by her side as much as possible. today I found out, not from her, but everyone else, that she wants nothing to do with me until i am medicated and a doctor says i am emotionally stable. She doesnt even want me to visit her in the hospital.
I cant see my niece who is a year old. I wont be able to see my other niece who is due in 4 weeks. That is stupid. It hurts me alot. SHe is my sister. Why would she do this to me? Doesnt she get that family is all we have? Does she not know from the million times i have told her that I WOULDNT BE ABLE TO CONTROL MY EMOTIONS AS WELL WITHOUT MY FAMILY??
Why doesnt she get it?
If i wasnt Bipolar we wouldnt have this issue. If I was normal like everyone else.
Im not though.
My brain cant control my stupid emotions that effect EVERYTHING i do in life. My brain doesnt know how to work right. Its broken.
No matter what I do in life, no matter how hard I try, it will always be broken. I will never be normal.
Some people think its not so bad being Bipolar. They have no idea. i would give almost anything to be normal for an hour. To just be able to control my own mind, because I cant.
I have to tell EVERYONE i see on a regular basis that I am bipolar too... I cant hide it from anyone. People look at me like im a freak sometimes, because ill cry for no reason then suddenly be happy. I radomly get severly irritated and raise my voice about something that is fine less than a second later.
I dont even know what sets my emotions off. I cant pinpoint it like some people do. Every TINY LITTLE DETAIl changes the way i feel. From the color of the wall, to the fly on the windowsill.
I HATE BEING LIKE THIS!!!!!
Why can I not just be normal for two seconds!!
There is nothing I can do... I feel stupid. Like a failure, because I cant control my own brain.
Its 8pm my time. I havent eaten since 10am. Im not hungry. Nothing sounds or looks good. Nothing is satisfying. Just another aspect of my BPD.
Its so hard to try to maintain a regular diet when you never know if you will be hungry or not.

I really just want to be normal.

I need to find a doctor I guess. Everyone else wants me on medicine. I just want to be able to control it on my own. That doesnt matter though, I cant promise I will be happy (BPD) so i might as well make sure everyone else is.
Back to the doctor thing...
I dont have the money. Period. End of story.
My fiance has debt. I have some debt (one back bill and student loans). We dont have a car. He traded the two of ours. One for some cash, the other for a new car. A car we totalled before we got to insure or register the vechical. We have sunk every penny we own into fixing it... for it to get reposessed.
We were doing so good at one point, and it was like everything went to shit at once.
Our car got totalled. No way back and forth from work, to far to walk.
Our apartment got bugs from the neighbor. Landlady didnt fix it, no money to fix it ourselves. Not enough money to get out of the lease. Broke the lease moved in with a friend. Found a nice place :) We were going to all move in together. She left state. We couldnt afford it on our own. We found out we were pregnant :) OH FUDGE!!!!
Found a place, an hour away from everything. He could keep his job, it would pay the bills. Nowhere close enough for me to work, still no car.
Three months go by. were doing okay. Not getting ahead, but not getting behind.
We lost the baby :(((((((((((((((
WE move in with his parents, we need to catch up, and im depressed.
i find a job. he still has his. Im working full time. Its going good.
He loses his job, finds a part time one, but its not the money we need.
My hours get cut.
Cant pay stuff as fast ... his dad gets irritated.
If we cant figure it out we have to move out.
We cant afford a place, plus because of the apartment my credit is effed. Between the car and apartment his is royally effed.
I turn to family to talk about my issues........ my dad and mom(technically step mom) are there as much as they can, but they live an hour away. Also they have four other kids, they are trying to take care of, plus visit my other sister in the hospital.
My only big sister.
She wants nothing to do with me.
Its a vicious circle.
What did I ever do wrong?
Why cant I be normal?
.......
The Life of a Girl Like Me




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