Fallen from Grace
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2012-08-25 23:35:48 (UTC)

Perfect Creations

After seeing things for the way they are, not the way I want them to be, I find myself humble. I talked to my Supreme Being who in our first conversation made me have a genuine smile. I have decided to go somewhere in which I have never been. I am looking forward to moving from here. Upon getting on the bus I will be entering a spiritual journey. I am going somewhere I have no ties to serve and worship my
LADY. I am also going to be learning how to love myself with her help.
I am excited but scared of the unknown for obvious reasons. I will only give out my whereabouts to the circle U have come to call jaytourage. If you are reading this and I gave you the link then you are someone very special and dear to me. The jaytourage keeps me sane and sober and are always there when I need them most...

I once read to create something new, you must first destroy something old. Behind every beautiful thing there is some kind of pain-secret or seen. I am glad I do not drink because numbing pain for a while makes it worse when you finally feel it. Today on facebook I deleted a bunch of people. My friends list went from 136 down to 40. I destroyed ties that took me years to establish in mere seconds. With each person that I deleted a part of me I let go. I deleted everyone from friends and coworkers, to my father and sister. I have come to understand that a person who truly loves meis someone who see's the pain in my eyes where others still believe my smile. Some days, like today, I find myself staring out the window, cold and lonely, as I watch the world turn. At times I find myself wishing I could vanish... When I say vanish I mean die. And by die I do not mean physical or suicide. It is intended to simply mean without a trace. I am so tired of the fake people of my life. I know from experience not everyone who smiles in my face is my friend but on the flip side everyone who shoots me a glare is not always my enemy. With every breath I take I regain apiece of myself stolen by that woman's evil intentions. I do not know if I am becoming numb from this or just using it to harbor hate. The pain she caused me was more excruciating then the flesh can fathom. It punctured into my soul more so then the first woman I ever gave myself to. As a child I found small joys hidden through out my day and seldom laughed. As I have grown older I have learned to laugh more to hide the sadness. Everybody wants happiness but no one wants pain. What I am saying is fuck rainbows, GIVE ME THE RAIN!! In my life I have only know pain, I sacrifice with nothing to gain. I embrace the torment and cling to what is familiar on the outside I may smile, but knowing that I am beautiful does not catch these tears. To me pain is like the Gods, thought I cannot see them, you can believe they are there. If one does not understand my silence they will never understand my words.

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