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2012-08-23 11:21:21 (UTC)

8/17/12 Fri

-came home sober after work; M called me but he didn't call back and said he would let me rest; i would have gone with him if he called back and insisted; do i like him or just want a "stable" customer or i'm just too lonely? ate something and watch tv;
-slept the whole day and had some weird dreams again;
-Sam called after 7 and asked me to go dinner; got ready very quick and went Sushi w/t him
-i really thought there was something going on b/t us but i couldn't have been more wrong; sad and mad again that he didn't even call me and called another girl he sat last night instead; i felt so stupid and shamed again! so far in my life, only him made me feel like this shitty twice in a row! No.10, at least he paid and slept with me many times before he stopped calling me; the other young and cute guy, at least he didn't come back and sit other girls in front of my face; is this payback time for all the times i cheated on guys? had 3 tables anyways but got drunk and did coke; got so emotional and cried in the bathroom on the phone with J; came home finding out J was was not home/out playing with his fds; locked the garage and the front door; he came back but couldn't get in; locked him out for a while and he finally broke in; cried and yelled at him; he said he will try to make more $ and i don't have to work anymore; but only myself know why i'm in a bad mood and i'm just taking it all out on him and i'm actually mad at myself for being so easy and stupid; i shouldn't treat J like this every time i fuck up something in my own life!

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