bittersweet life
2001-10-10 05:54:48 (UTC)

One of many bad days to come...

I just feel the need to write so i found this website. My
name is Lea (silent a) and i just recently became a single
mom. i became a single mom because my daughters father beat
me up and i am not taking it anymore. he is in jail for the
time being and he wants me to help him. i didnt have help
when he was thumping me but i am torn and i know that
every one will say... hey what the hell are you thinking?
help him? he has been in my life for 7 years and they were
for the most part great but he had moments that were ugly
and he lost control. i am making no excuses for him at all
because he is a man and men do not hit women. so he went to
jail. and i feel bad. not that he went to jail but that he
is still there. i think he paid his dues. i had the
opportunity today , in court, to express that and i didnt.
i said no i dont want him out. i am so confused right now
i make no sense because i know deep down in my heart i want
the pig to fry. he hurt me pretty bad . he was also the
most passionate person i have ever met. a wonderful father
and good person and a great lover. this is very hard for me
because i have shared so much with him and i have to let
all that go now. all the good has to go away and all the
bad has to surface. aaaaahhhhh feelings are the worst....
and of course at times they are the best....i just needed
to vent because i am inside falling apart and on the
surface trying like hell to keep it together for my
daughter. she kind of knows what happened. she is 5 and i
told her daddy went to jail because he hurt mommy pretty
bad .she is a smart cookie so she understands a little
bit. taking it pretty hard though i think she is happy
that there is no more fighting but at the same time missing
her dad like hell.for whatever reason in my messed up mind
right now i want to talk to him ...but why? i think going
to sleep is a much better idea ......