Moni

Hate Me
2012-08-16 19:35:48 (UTC)

These past few days ...confusing.

Dear diary,
where should I start?

Let's start from today!

Today.. Well I woke up at 7 AM as usual and went to praxis. The boss wans't there so that means I need to go tomorrow. It's my last day and I'm so happy. Few days before, I think 2, to be exact, he said we will be at praxis till Friday and then he doesn't want to see us again. Me and my friend Sara. I was like "woah, should I be happy about it or not?", because we managed to get on his nerves so badly that he doesn't want us there anymore. Well, I'll be able to sleep now, at least that's a good thing. And I won't be so tired anymore. Sleep...
Then I met Stefan at 11 AM infront of the hotel I do praxis at. I'm a cook. This year. I go to this school where we have praxis 4 years. First year it's cook, second waitress, third reception and fourth working in agency. So after I finish high school I'll pretty much be able to work anywhere. And college...huh.
We arrived to his hous at 12 AM. And so I played HI a bit and stuff, we smoked few cigarettes (did I mention yet that I smoke?), and stuff like that. Then I went home and came straight to Facebook, HI and well... now I'm here? I chatted with Matija. And you know what he said? Here, I'll try to translate correctly:
"You can think about me whatever you want, and everything I ever did bad to you, I know it. But that is the past that I promised will never happen again. You know Varga (alen.one very boring guv.dont ask)? He is interessted in you. I know I can't forbid you anything, especially not not to be with him because it's your decission, but you know what I told Natali (it's his gf) and Sara? If she wants she can dump me and everything because I rebeled/protested that he wants something with you. I said that they can think whatever they want, she is the only person I would give everything to in any moment even though I don't show it, not even close but...
Now I'm uncomfortable."

I said that I don't know what to say and then he wrote:
"Simply, I'm just weird. I love you more then any other girl but in a different way and that's why when I look at you that way, I just have to kiss you, even though I fuck everything up with everyone, but that's the most important to me in that moment, you. I said, just like I wrote, to Natali, it's who I am and for her everything and I'll always help her. If Natali doesn't like that, well, fuck it."

Yeah, he is not very good in expressing himself. He's even worse then me but I understand what he tried to say. But I didn't let my feelings get in the way, just like they didn't in past few months, so I said:

"I don't understand why do you say that, but you prove differently everytime. I mean, maybe it's me who gets it wrong, but, yeah."

He said: "You're okay. You even changed yourself for me, what else can I ask for?"

So. I told him I glad he noticed at least something I did for him and I said that I know there is something about me that he can't accept ad that I know exactly what it is. Later in the conversation I asked him if anyone told him crap about me. He said no, not now, but when it was school, they maybe did. Didn't I wrote it already? He can't be with me because of the reputation, because people talk shit. It's the same thing I do and I can't control it. And I must say, 99% of the time whe people talked shit about my partner, they were right. I didn't want to believe them but at the end I ended up hurt because I didn't trust them. Now, I trust others too much and I care about others opinion, way too much.

He also revealed himself to me. He told me that he is always happy like I notice, but he is not. He fights with his parents a lot and it's driving him crazy. I tried to give him advices from my own experiences but it's like he doesn't want to even hear them. Sometimes it seems like he says all those thing just so he can sound EPIC and mature, like he actually has a heart. Like he is just seeking for attention. I don't get him anymore. He is not the guy I used to love with all my heart. That guy was honest, true and pure. Kind and never selfish. He accepted me with all my imperfections. I miss that, you know? I miss us. I find myself thinking about those times all the time. It knows to hurt but I learned how to deal with it.

Well anyways, then my uncle came and we went to the city a bit. He is such a great man. His spirit is so pure. I mean, he is not very religious (church thingies and all) but he believes in God. He believes in him in his own way and doesn't accept Bible rules. He does what he knows it's right. And he taught his children really well. His beliefs are something amazing. Sometimes I find myself wishing he could be my dad but I know I couldn't stand it. God doesn't exist in my world. I'm sorry if I'm offending anyone who is reading this, but I'm an atheist. I was struggling for a long time with the fact if God exist or not. For some time I did believe he does but I was never very religious. With time and my grandpas great knowledge I stopped believing in any possible way that God is among us. My grandpa never believed in him. He also had his way of believing which I think is beautiful. And despite the fact he was great atheist, he was also the greates man I ever knew. I shall never forget him and I shall always follow his steps. I believe he found his piece because it's what he rightfully deserves. My greatest teacher about life.

So, now I'm home, writing this while I'm trying to make my dog learn a command "lay". So far, she knows - no, sit, out, slow down, go, jump, come. :3

And my cat is currently walking over me which I can't say doesn't hurt. Hunh.

I also finished watching this anime - Avatar: The Last Airbender. The story is great. And Zuko, which is in first 2 seasons the bad guy, become good, he was from the very beginning my favourite character. I guess I knew he was good :3. And I must say I cried a lot through those series. Lots.

So, I don't really know what to write.

Yes, Jessie changed a lot. I'll write about it some other time. Petra and I got even closer. Aron started acting odd lately and I'm scared it'll ruin our friendship, which I couldn't stand. Stefan is same old most-of-the-time-annoying guy, which I adore, still. My mum is more bitchy then ever but I'm holding it together somehow. My dad, I haven't heard from him since my birthday. And well...that's pretty much all the people I talk to. Oh. Alex, she is probably home 24/7. So yeah, no info on that. Well, I'll have more details in next entry.

With love, Moni.




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