wet blanket
2012-08-10 07:21:27 (UTC)

It's getting harder to hold on.

Recently whenever I walk home I start crying and I see cars and think about just jumping in front of one.

It would be so easy and quick and just... over. I don't really understand why I always feel so shit.
Even if go to bed early I still feel so fucking exhausted the whole day.

If someone asks how I am I always just say I'm great so they don't ask questions... they wouldn't understand anyway. No one does.

I took the depression test online, I know it might not be accurate but it said very high chance I have major depression, and seasonal disorder or something. Basically where your mood changes what season it is.

But I didn't feel this shit last winter, or any before that.

I want to go back to year six and seven. Everything was so perfect. I was so much happier then, I can even see it in my ID cards, in my start of year eight one I had a genuine smile on my face.
In my year nine one it looks less real.

Every time I walk into a room with people I stand outside the door , like I said in my last entry, and just fake a smile and look happy.

I'm not happy.
I'm the worst I've ever been.

Ad:0 - Modern SaaS monitoring for your servers, cloud and services