Fallen from Grace
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2012-08-06 15:35:15 (UTC)

Pandora is my Way.

As days go by I feel the anxiety rising about getting to Tulsa. I read in a book the other day a phrase that really fits. It said "Sitting with the urges to cut myself... can be worse than more the self injury itself." Anxiety used to be something to make me want to cut to re;ease the tension. I have a guy named Thad who is my sponsor for AA. I don't have a drinking problem. I use the concept to get over my cutting addiction. Cutting has an intoxicating presence that caresses my soul. I have found a better replacement. Sometimes the sight of knives with certain shapes makes my blood boil. Someday I sit mindlessly staring over the horizon and watch the world pass me by like I am a ghost. I know I am pale but damn I'm not invisible. The people who do notice me seem to want to judge me. They only know my past not who I have become. Most people could not endure a half of what I have been through. There is a reason I am who I am and why I do what I do. I may be tainted but I am far from broken.

In Tulsa I was taken as a kid but I keep going back. I am glad to be going back to call it home. I have some bad memories there but now I am looking forward to making good ones with my Goddess. I must say I hope to be refreshing like a cool drink of water on a hot summer day. I want inspire a smile like the sunrise over the ocean. I want to intoxicate the soul like alcohol or like a river and wash away any sadness and be the warm feeling that comes over the heart like the heart. This exactly what Pandora is to me. Anytime I want to cut I think of her and it goes away quickly. I know all I have been through here in Florida will be worth it when I get to her.