J-Bunny

My Life (yawn)
2012-08-05 13:26:34 (UTC)

critical

we're at a critical stage in our relationship. it's been too long for me to have any hope yet I can't find the strength to walk away. I thought by seeing him last night and talking talking talking (seems like all we do) I would feel better, closer, reconnected again somehow but the emptiness is still there. How can I feel nothing inside yet everything in my heart? my head is in complete overdrive it's constantly working and thinking and obsessing. how do I make it stop? its fucking driving me crazy.

I need to remember how it made me feel when he went away and absolutely disconnected that Sunday when all he ever does is tell me to stay connected. I'm seeing things I don't like, controlling, manipulative things and it concerns me. Only I can stop it. What happened to my fucking confidence and focus, and goddamn self worth? why do I feel bad telling him I'm going to go and do something with some other guy, that actually can spend the time with me? it doesn't mean I don't love him any less yet he makes me feel so bad. it certainly doesn't mean I'm going to fuck some other guy because I do believe what we have is special and real. Why in Christ's name is this taking so long? He's absolutely on borrowed time with me and I think inside I've slowly started letting go. Remember that good cry I had a few weeks ago, it's was a mother-fucking sob if I've ever had one, not the boo-hoo-hoo poor me bullshit. It was a cry of loss. Of things not fulfilled. Of promises not made. The realization that my Summer has turned out the way I predicted it, alone without him.
why bother asking me what I'm going to do today when its just another day without him in it.
What shall I do? drink like I've been doing for the past bazillion weekends/days without him? no, that got old fast. Force myself to see friends that know and can see how sad I am and try to get the energy to put a smile on my face and carry on? it exhausts me thinking of it. Clean this place and feel like a schmuck for not being outside and enjoying the fresh air? Do something nice for someone because I feel like absolute shit and it will take a lot of energy to focus on something other than myself and then to think of doing something nice, or unexpected for someone else? that's probably what I should do.
Jesus, mother of shit I'm sad about this. I know better yet I can't help myself. why can't I just keep it simple?
"J, when your life is some what more normal and you're able to give me time I deserve, then let's reconnect." It's as easy as that, right?
In the meantime, I'll just try and piece together the little parts of my heart that get shredded each day we're not together.




Ad: