hell on heels

Fuckity Fucks.
2012-08-02 22:09:36 (UTC)

Today I cried...

I feel like every once in a while I have a title that says today I cried, and each time I cry for lesser amounts of time. When I was younger even in highschool I could make myself cry on demand. I used it to get away with no homework or get out of work and even make people feel bad for me when there was no reason too. In order to cry I would think about my Dad, and the lack of a relationship we had, or I would think about the relationships I do have with my "father figures" and how shitty they were. Now I can't even cry unless I hurt myself and it has to be REALLY bad or I feel nothing. My great grandma (granny) died and I didn't shed a tear, not even one, then again I did find out in a text message so that was somewhat shitty.

Then last night I call the boy, I had been downing long island ice teas since 11 and calling him seemed like a great idea. We talked about my trip and how I am leaving in just 7 short days for Arizona then I asked him about how many girls he had been with, for some reason this also seemed like a grand fucking plan and it backfired. He laughed and said there is not a right a number to tell me but I was persistent and apparently needed to know, then he shouts out I think its somewhere around 7 maybe a little more. My heart stopped my voice went raspy as I fought back tears of pain and hate, while still trying to play it cool and not let him know how upset I was.

He asked me and I said 1, ONE FUCKING BOY, although I did lie I have been fucking JRG since May of last year when I went home and Bunnz and I had sex a few times but it was so empty and bland I just couldn't enjoy it. so what I fucking lied!!!!!!

My feelings have changed so drastically in the past 12 hours about the boy. I think I really thought we were soul mates that he was the one and that once I went to Arizona he was going to realize how much he loved and missed me....I was wrong.

This is my fucking Kharma!!!!!!!!!




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