Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2012-07-28 03:04:27 (UTC)

fairweather fecklessness

With the exception of adrien, fern and jan, people everywhere, have pissed me off in one form or another in the past few hours, days, weeks, months, and I've about reached my limit of drama, bs, disingenuous behaviors and other sundry items of a benign, banal, or important things they've said they would or would not do, say or not say, etc, etc. So on. so forth. I might be a little overly sensitive, I might be expecting too much, I might be under a delusion of things that simply aren't so, I might even be willing to accept a certain culpability towards it. but in general, I'm ravenously, viciously, and unfortunately, impotently mad. there's simply nothing I can do other than sigh out loud, roll my eyes, and sulk in the corner musing on how I managed to land myself here in an ocean of nothing.

The thing I realized earlier after screaming myself hoarse at gord about the simple lack of both brevity and consideration regarding taking responsibility for shit (and the irony of my own situation blowing back inside my head regarding my own lack thereof resonating a singularly pithy cord which did nothing for my mood) in terms of our new roommate and her now ex boyfriend still living here, may have, added to an already untenable situation regarding my deteriorating (it's not that bad, I'm just fucking mad at everything all the god damned time, ok, maybe it is bad) mental health. I've about reached my limit of things I will put up with. Being used as a punching bag, shoulder to weep upon, being ignored, chastised at random for things other people do, the negativity in regards to anything I want to do or say.

it's all wearing, very thin. and I'm about sick of it. it certainly doesn't help, I'm inconsolably pissed about student loans dicking me around for the better part of 5 years, the waiting with the lawyer who does nothing to allay my need to know things (admittedly, he knows very little so it's not really his fault, I'm merely assigning him some blame because I expect some response to emails sent even if he is holiday, or more importantly, an email having said, "hey, I'm not going to be around, I'll get back to you later", which like the gord situation would have BEEN FUCKING SPLENDID), and just in general having wasted an awful lot of time on this stuff with the annuity and the end, supposedly in sight, but, the sheer lack of information and control is, frustratingly maddening beyond I think what is a safe tolerance level for my brain to handle.

I do not feel particularly happy. I lack fundamental support (in all things, emotionally, spiritually, materially, physically, intellectually, ambitiously), I find it harder to feel any sense of joy or happiness with anything, and I find even if I laugh for 2 or 3 minutes, I just want to punch something. On top of all that, my goddamned computer decided to fuck itself, and it took 3 hours to fix and now I'm running on 2gb of ram instead of 4 because one of the ramslots decided to die, and nearly took the whole thing with it. For 2 hours I was lividly enraged, and nearly threw the whole thing against a wall. I just want to win something. anything.

I feel as though all I've been doing lately, is losing, and I'm fucking tired of it.