Lost Soul

~This Crazy Life Of Mine~
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2012-07-26 04:40:55 (UTC)

Whats happening to me???

As I sit here and think about the man who gave me the greatest gift of life I kinda hurt. He wants so bad to make things work with me but I don't think that I really want that. When he's not around or don't talk to me it hurts and I wanna scream and cry and run to him and make him see that I'm sorry! But then when things go back to the way they were I can't bring myself to go back to him. I'm happy where I am. I love the man I'm with. He's good to me. He's good to my son. We have a great life and I love him. But some times I fall. I fall really hard. I run back to this unknown man who haunts my every thought and dream.

We haven't been together in almost 5 years. He went and got himself re-married. And then less then a year and a half later divorced. He left me so many times for her. Promised me the world. Hurt me. Pushed me down... (Not literally) I love him but I hate him. I want him but I don't. Whats happening to me?!?!?!?!

How do I let go!? How do I forget?? How do I deal only on a parent level with him? I don't know where to turn with all this! I don't know how to let go! I just want to let go! I just want to be with Christopher. My sweet, sweet Christopher...

Him... Now he brings great joy to my life. He picks me up when I'm down. He holds me when I cry. Makes me laugh. Lets me know that there is a man out there that can and will love me though it all. No matter what. But why do I keep hurting him??? Why do I feel this concent need to run back to a man who will more then like just hurt me again and again. Mom keeps telling me that if I keep leaving him that he isn't going to keep taking me back. And I know that.

I can't help the feeling.... Cuz when life brings me down. I RUN! I RUN. I shouldn't but I do. I run from my problems... I need help. And I know it. But doing something about it is a scary thought... But that's something I'm going to have to over come. In do time I'm sure I will. But not just yet. Because I don't know that I'm ready. But then again... When will I be. Its time to step up and take control...