2001-10-10 05:34:22 (UTC)

Self Distructiveness

I suppoes I first noticed it when I was 16....Why is it
that I can't just help myself? I have always dreamed of
being Beautiful and being the most popular. Well, I could
be but I am stopping myself. I don't understand it. It's
the wierdest thing. My dream weight is 120. I am 140. I'm
a size 10. Not overweight but not as skinny as I would like
to be. I will think about working out for a long
time...Like weeks and then when I finally get around to
doing it, it feels great. I am getting limber and I am
losing weight. Whenever I notice though that I am losing
weight then I almost immediately (and this is
uncontrollable) go and eat the most fattening thing I can
find. And I eat alot of it. I feel like I can't stop
I was born into a family that has genetically bad skin. We
all break out all the time. Mine isn't severe at all but
you would think it was. I breakout sometimes, not bad at
all, and then it goes away after a couple days. Well there
are things I could do to make sure I didn't break out but I
can't bring myself to do them. It is almost as if I won't
let myself be what I have always wanted to be. I hate it
and I am starting to think that if I put everything on
~paper* then I will be able to sort it out and set my shit
straight. Hopefully this will work but I dunno. I wish
that I could come to grips with reality sometimes and just
make my self do what I need to do. Like eating right and
excersizing and all that jazz. I think it has alot to do
with my mother. I have watched her get fatter and fatter
and lazier and lazier and for some reason I can't help but
repeat that behavior. I have watched her try diet after
diet and tons of excersize programs. They all started to
work but then she just started eating again. I really
don't want to be like that. I would fall apart if I ever
ended up like her. Well, Journal I guess I will be writing
again later....

P.S. What causes self-destructive behavior??? For anyone
who reads this, if you have any thoughts, please write
me.... Strawberri.... [email protected]