Jack's Twisted Kingdom
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2012-07-23 03:21:11 (UTC)

reflections in a wake

I'm always attracted to the girls who live in their heads. The ones who think, the ones who rant, the ones who parade themselves threadbare soul and all down whatever rabbit hole they've found and cliff-jump like lemming. I get attracted too easy I think, fall too quick, lust too much, ah well. I believe in romance, I believe even the staunchest romantic haters secretly harbor some fleeting wish for it, too often I've heard friends say it, and then, one day, poof, they have it and love it, even if it's in moderation. I deny nothing from my lovers, the few I've had, lenora, kristin, sarah, the other other jen, gwen, I denied them nothing, giving them all pieces of my soul, and in the end I've gotten little back, but I like to think some small part of them still hold something of me, it's the optimist in me.

I'm ever hopeful, that the girl of my dreams will saunter into view.

The seemingly never-ending drama with the money in the trust, I've come to accept that the likelihood of my getting it in one lump between now and september 1st is near zero, I've accepted if I'm exceptionally lucky, I'm getting the 10k I nominally get september 1st and sometime before the end of the year, I'll get the rest. If I'm unlucky, then I'm getting sweet fuck all til next september like always. This defeatist thing is not what I'm happy about. But, I seem to have come to sort of an oasis in the middle the desert I seem to be crossing.

Sure it's a mess. But, unexpectedly, I find, that. I'm ok.

sure my life isnt something I'd wish on most, I've underachieved, underperformed, I lack a love life that isn't based on some tawdry two or three night stand from girls off okstupid who're essentially let down by unrealistic expectations. I'm ever hopeful, that the girl of my dreams will saunter into view. I've given up on the unattainable, my hands been bitten too many times, of course secretly I'll hope, but I won't be disappointed, there's a sort of, bliss in there somewhere. I find it's freeing, I simply, don't care anymore. Well. no. I'm just not letting it bother me. I allow too many things to bother me. A lot of people disappoint me, there is that small handful who don't, and I appreciate them, perhaps I don't quite show it enough, but I do try.

I probably don't say thank-you enough. I should do it more often.

So the plan is a good one I think. September I'll re-apply to all the schools, that'll take 2 months, and if I win the money, then I'm golden for january to start going to school part time, by then I will have gotten steady employment, I hope, haha, moved into a new place, maybe even gotten a cat, although maybe I'll wait. For school, I'm going to take a couple of transfer courses, 2 per term for the next year, including math upgrading, just to dip ye olde toe in, and the first classes will be writing, I doubt I could write a decent paper if my life depended on it. I remember when I could churn out a 15 page single spaced 9000 word essay inside of 3 days and get a c on it if I didn't proofread it, and a B or better if I had Jamie edit it. I miss Jamie, it was very helpful having a journalism student for a friend. After a year, then it's a semester of Econ, a Semester of Poli-Sci, and a semester of Business classes, and by then I aught to have a firm idea of where I'm going and what I'm doing.

Patience, is the new tactic. Lux et umbra, sed semper amor.