tavitaboo

Lots of Questions.
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2012-07-21 16:08:45 (UTC)

Friend.

You should know.
Everyone should know
that we, human beings are all LONELY.

I don't know how it is in other places,
but for me, I grew up in a Chinese family,
educated in a Chinese way, and currently doing my uni studies in a very VERY tiring Chinese country.

Far away from home
I thought I was a tough one. Everyone thinks I'm tough.
But actually I remember this one day, after my first sem overseas, I came home during winter break. Telling my mum that I hate my life over there, telling her I'm not okay and I don't really feel like going back there.
It was my dad, the dad who gave me and my sisters so much love that I know I can never do anything to repay him. He told me, "You'll be fine. I know you will be."
And that's it.
I shut my mouth from then onwards. I know I have no right to complain, after what my family had given me. Yes, that's Chinese education. If your elderly gives you something, have gratitude. Say thank you and swallow all other emotions.
I didn't know if it was a good thing for me, actually.
But I knew I had been different from that day onwards. I closed my heart from everyone. I do not give chances to people who wants to care about me. I chose people. Not they choose me.

I'm a Gemini. A crazy one.
I'm an artist, a girl who believes in philosophy.
I think alot, talk alot.
Some say I'm a born pastor, some say I talk too much.

What I know about myself, is that I need someone.
Someone who wants to know me, hears out to me, give advice to me.
I know I'm being selfish. But I lost my friends.
Not that they're gone, it's that they have their own lives.
It had been 3 years since we graduated from high school. I have two best friends. Bestest best friends. And I really thought that we could be like that forever and ever.
I was naive. I told you I was a girl who believes in philosophy, and alot of it includes believing in faith, in friendship, in love.

They let me down so many times. Can't even hang out for a night, after we've been apart because of our university studies. I was overseas, what'd they expect?! And one of them was with me, studying overseas in the same country with me!
Yet, she never visited since Year 2. I visited her, I always said I miss her. And when we were all back for holidays, asking them out was like a torture! WHY?
Because of boyfriends? Our friendship weren't worth a guy?
Well I have a boyfriend too, but I never forgot them.
I left them a space in my heart. Even if I knew that we all had different interest now, we all had our own lives now. But I saved a PLACE for them in my heart, always hoping that someday, SOMEDAY we 3 can hang out together just like those old times, not knowing where to go but at least we were together.
Those memories were gold to me, I live with it.
And there they were now, countless excuses not to come out and hang out.
You see, many people, they came into other's life, became SOMEBODY, then when they got tired of it, they think they can just check out and act like it's their choice.
How can people be so cruel? It's sad.
It's like having a puppy, treating it with your best and then one day you got tired of it and throw him at a side and walk on to your new toy!

I've been saving that place in my heart for 3 years. It's a small count yeah I know. But how much time do we have left? Nobody knows.

I'm sad, I'm very very sad. I would not EVER do this to anyone, that's if I have other close friends that had been so close with me for 9 years.

I was prepared for another 9 years friendship of ours
But seems like it's all a joke.
BIG FAT JOKE.

I'm tired.
I'm sad.
and there's no one I can really talk to.

I stopped trusting, I stopped telling.
It's a sign of growing up, is it?
If it is,
growing up truly SUCKS.


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