Fallen from Grace
Today while browsing Facebook I read something that is very true. In fact it had me really rethinking a lot of things. It said: "don't judge me for my past I don't live anymore." I found myself reevaluating people I keep close. Just because you know my name doesn't mean you know me. You may not what people call me but you do not know my story. People are so quick to judge others. They have heard what I have done but don't what I been through. I am very fortunate to have Pandora in my life. She knows, accepts, and understands the life I live. Understands my struggles. She accepts my good as well as my imperfections. I love her imperfections and flaws. They make her the Goddess I love as much as her perfections. We may not call or text each other because my phone is off but I still love and miss her. Thoughts of my Goddess are my hearts constant companion. I remember when we talked everyday... I miss it... a lot. I can't bear asking people to help me to pay my phone bill. Everytime I think of Pandora as I am scrolling through my favorite contacts I get the image of those beautiful brown eyes burning in my mind. It is of course followed by of that glorious smile that is both warm and contagious. It lights up the room. It lit up one of my darkest hours. I wish she could see herself through my eyes for a day. She would never feel unattractive or unappreciated. Her hair is smells so sweet and sometimes when I lay in bed it feels like she is touching me. I still remember how hard I worked for that first kiss. What we shared that night was magical. I was so in love with her but didn't know where I would stay so I came to Florida. I have regretted leaving since I panicked and came here.
With that said I have a friend named Mason* (not his real name. I respect him to much to say his real name) who it hurt me to be around all the time. He has someone who he is with that he loves but can't stand to spend quality time with. The thought of hanging out for 7 straight days makes him wanna scream. That's not fair to her but I get put in the middle and I want to say something to her. Why be with someone you can only deal with in small doses? At this point I would chop my arm off to get to the love of my life. Everyday I'm not able to be there hurts us more everyday. Apart of my soul feels like it is being punctured cause I'm causing her pain. I can say this. Have had a couple of people I would call my " other half " but never understood why some people say " better half " I just couldn't grasp that concept. I finally found my better half. My Pandora. I say better half because when I feel down she makes me feel better. She makes me want to be a better person. When I'm scared she make me feel better. Basically she makes my life better just by being in it. I'm so tired of running from everything. As long as I breathe I will be here for her. I want to commit myself to her fully and devote myself to her and Hannah. Last night I had a night mare where I lost her. I woke up with my pillows wet from the tears of me crying. Sometimes I pull up her picture and talk to her. I know she can't hear me and to some people its stupid or strange but it makes me feel closer to her. Good night diary.
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