psychmajor

An Odd Paradox
2012-07-14 13:28:14 (UTC)

A Fear of Diarying

I don't know why. But this is a recent one that's gone over in my mind. I used to write in a physical journal. But I've delineated from that.
This fear has come as a result of an extremely personal entry that I remember writing in my diary. This may come as a bit of odd sounding fact, but.. I try avoiding writing the really, really personal stuff in my diary.. I have trust issues. I've always thought, if someone finds my diary... it won't be too, TOO bad. But I just had to unburden myself one night. Pretty sure I was talking about something ridiculous that I wanted to hurt myself because this one guy wasn't giving me what I wanted (emotional closeness). I've never really been emo like that before. I haven't even gone back into my other journal to read what I wrote, because I know what I wrote, I remember writing it.. but the emotions aren't attached to it. They're just kinda there and remembered.
I have a fear that if I write when I'm really down in the depths of my soul, lying sprawled over the bathroom/kitchen/living room/any room floor, and I come back to it - that'll shock my system again. I'll remember those same feelings. That same dread. That same hopelessness and feeling of total and utter inferiority. And I don't want to feel that.
but then... what is my diary really for?
I guess I could solve this problem by only re-reading my entries when I feel really light-hearted and triumphant, and wanting to practice some good-humoured self-deprecation... seeing how much I've really grown. But then another dismal thought comes to mind. What if I never really fully grow out of it? Because that's part of the human experience right? We go through these many trials and tribulations and triumphs. You never get to a point where you're really "there". I say there with quotes around it, because I imagine "there" as this fantasy place I used to think existed. Y'know.. from famous people who just seem to have it all.. and who have reached the plateau of life where it is just smooth sailing and calm waves for the rest of it. I feel... that. That plateau. That can only be achieved when you're dying of some long term illness and you've come to peace with it.. you've accepted it. In my Death and Dying class (yes, they exist), the professor, who used to be an ER nurse - one of the hardest professions, which has the highest burnout rates, said that once you find someone who has accepted their fate - has truly accepted that they're going to die - and you sit with them, they give off one of the most peaceful vibes.




Ad: