Phillip Wilson

Amazingly, I survived my Life
2011-09-16 00:00:08 (UTC)

1985 REVIEW (PART EIGHT)

14-16 October (Monday-Wednesday), Childersburg, Al. (continues)

My nocturnal ramblings over, I am getting back into the dull, regular routine of waiting, waiting, training (scholarship, recorder, jugglingg, etc), waiting . . .
More from Orson Wells: Several years back, on a television talk show (it has been many a year since I watch talk shows!), Mr. Wells described an actor as a "third sex."
I am beginning to realize the truth of that statement. At least, I can't seem to lead a normal life, try as I may. It is as if Nature will allow me only certain things and conditions.
Maybe most of my troubles, problems, and confusion have resulted from standing up to Nature and trying to lead my own life.
No one can fool Mother Nature!
Many years ago, on a T.V. variety show, Mr. Wells gave a recitation os Shylock's soliloquy from "The Merchant of Venice" (by Shakespeare), "I am a Jew . . ." And it was a beautiful performance.

(12th, About 1:55 P.M.) Another beautiful day; bright sunshine, low-90 degrees F.
It is amazing how long the day is when sex 'games' are not part of it. On days like this, I use to go outdoors in a state of deshiblle.
Then my life took on a directon and purpose. A training routine regulated my time; no time for sex games.
But with the limbo and state of 'upheaval' I find myself, the urge to 'non-artistic performing' is arising to the surface.
I am feeling useless and 'un-neeeded.' Showing myself is one way to draw attention.
At my age, this action will not be excused, as it is, usually, when I was younger.
I got in a sesssion of plies late morning, and a short work-out previously.
I can't seem to 'let go' of Mime; it seems I think and 'eat' it.
Until I clear my mind and soul of Mime, I will never be free.
Damn! such is hard to do!

(14th, About 9:05 A.M.) It is an overcast, cool morning.
I didn't think it would ever happen, but my relationship with Sleve and Mary is souring. And I don't think it matters to me or them.
I have grown up; their alitude - patronizing, initimidation, etc. - is getting to the point of unbearability. I don't even think they are aware of what they have done.
Jesse has done much to widen the rift; maybe it was inevitable, anyway, and Jesse is only an excuse.
Whatever, I am almost 'free'; as soon as I get any sort of financial independence, I can 'escape' Childersburg and blood family.
It appears that my lifestyle is becoming like the Father. Maybe "The Creator' realizes the first model didn't work, so used the basic mold, for a second attempt, but, learning from mistakes, changed and/or added some ingedients.
My goal is not 'star status' in the Mime fields, but 'freedom.'
The sun has broken through the clouds, and will soon demand his army of Warmth to spread out.
Liberation at last!

(about 11:30 A.M.) With the assistance of the Sun, a lovely day has developed out of the bleakness of early morning. My hero! the Sun!!
I completed "The Unvanquished" by William Faulkner a few minutes ago. Faulkner wrote with a unique style; he, at least in this novel. express a situation very 'Old South.'
Instead of 'reporting' that something happened, he 'recorded' the emotional reason for the event, and a direct perception.
For example, it is never stated that a Character kills someone; only his/her thinking while the act is being carried out, before, and afterwards.
The murder is not important; how it affects the murderer is emphasized.
I am not through with my Faulkner review.
A plie session and work-out was conducted this morning; dance is a flowing Movement. It is my opinion that plies provide the basic training and body conditioning for the fluidity necessary for Dance.
That is, seriously and properly executed plies; not rushed.

(about 3:05 P.M.) It (the weather) is hot!
I had a call from Kate Gilmer of the Birmingham Downtown Action Committee; my 'show' is more than welcome at te Fall Harvest Festival. The programs are already at the printers, but she will publicized my sct as much as she can in other ways.
An outlet, but no money for it.
This major festival will occur October 25-26 in Woodrow Wilson Park.

(15th, About 4:03 P.M.) The Sun lost the battle this afternoon; all day, it's rays have penetrated the cloud fortification, and then force to retreat.
Clouds finally waged a campaign shich the Sun couldn't 'match'; the lethal 'weapon' was used: rain, thunder and lightning. Sun never had a chance.
But the Sun did leave a stronghold for later (Warmth).
The Sun can now recoup its forces and stage another show, intricate strategy.
My 'Sun' has made it 'through' on this Day after. I have never reported and describe this specific phemomenom, but it is a Emotional Period that is of interest to the Psychology of an Artist.
Kate Gilmer 'called' me a second time yesterday afternoon, around 4:15 P.M. She was able to 'stop the presses' and have my name/act listed on the brochure for the Fall Harvest Festival. Ms. Gilmer, during the 'Booking' conversation, said she would try to contact the printers before the publicity went to press, but didn't think it would be possible.
The tone of her voice indicated that Kate Gilmer was excited and enthusiastic about the prospects of Mime at the Octobr 25-26 event.
Will this 'showcase' bring paying outlets? Damn! I hope so.

(about 8:43 P.M.) Rainy night: Good or bad? It depends on yout situation.
I have another maxium: Whether I chose Mime and its accompanying lifestyle, or it chose me is a 'point' requiring further invertigation. But I have begun to realize that a Mime career and lifestyle has contributed to the 'inmaturity and Mama's boy' that entrapped me until just recently. If I had gone into a more stable, organized, and 'responsible' line of work, I probably would have dveloped emotionally at a younger age.
I don't have this all worked out yet, but there is a relationship between the depth of my artistic involvement, and my need for the 'protection' and security of 'home and Mama.'
So what does this realization mean? How should I use it?
I must think on it!
I did a plie session and workout this morning, with an after-show 'relaxing' tonic (sex-relief).

(16th, About 2:59 P.M.) It is a 'leftover yesterday.' (What? Oh, an overcast day with threats of rain!)
John Steinbeck put together a collection of semi-related short stories and made a 'novel,' "The Pastures of Heaven." This is my current literary 'escapism.'
Steinback describes California, the Southwest, migrant workers, and Spanish-American Culture; Faulkner deals with the Southeast. Should either or both be considered 'regional' writers, even though both were awarded the Noble Prize (Steinbeck in 1962, Faulkner in 1950), an international award.
All all writers 'regional'?
Is this the retionship to Mime?
I did a plie session and workout early this afternoon, and 'cleaned out' my 'pipe.'
I need to take a hiatus from self-analysis and theorizing my artistic output and life style. There is a danger that the spontaneity and 'unconsciousness' of my act will be destroyed.
I shouldn't be so concerned about why things are; just 'do it' when jobs and outlets come along.
Don't question luck; grab it.

17-18 October (Thursday-Friday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 9:29 A.M.) A sunny morning. It rained a little last night, so the weather is coolish.
Does sex thinking cause an increase in heart beat and respiration, or does an increase in heartbeat and respiration stimulate sex thinking? Whichever, this horniness I am, once again, suffering is keeping sleep away at night, and dampens concentration. I just can't read when I relive my sex games of the past and wonder how far I could have gone.
Hear ye! Hear ye! Mime is not a career! It is something one does, sometimes for money, most times for none!

(about 1:48 P.M.) It has warmed.
I did a plie session and work-out early this afternoon (plies and half work-out yesterday; was interrupted by Leslie).
I had to clean myself up this morning of 'horny juice.' What relief!
I can remember during my early Birmingam Days (early '70's), a plan I was mentally arranging was to figure out and write about the theory and philosophy/psychology of performing. And, unconsciously, I am heading down such a path.
Has my 'career' and lifestyle been mapped out years ago? Is the conflict a result of deviating from the plan?

(about 3:16 P.M.) There is a slight breeze today; at times it is more than a breeze.
Does tar/nicotine/tobacco suppress 'maturity' and the power of introspection? Or is the mis-directed energy a hindrance?
Does the regulated smoking routine a waste? Shouldn't that schedule time to smoke be a tremedous help in working things out?

19 October (Saturday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 6:39 P.M.) A beautiful, warm, bright day.
I helped Leslie with her take-home history mid-term (she is a student at Alexander City Junior College) so I didn't get much training in.
I did 'hold' a short club juggling this afternoon (even though I don't always report it, I try to juggle and practice recorder-playing everyday).
Either I have discovered a truth, or another defense against my situation had been invented - or is it an excuse for not trying hard enough? - but (here goes?) when one is performing on Stage, in a Studio, at a Festival, etc., one is not in any particular town; only the Ego makes one insist on a Big Time career in New York, L.A., etc.
It's all the same.
Only for psychological and social reasons do I bemoan a lack of commerical/monetary success.
Perform for pay.
Perform for free.
It's all the same.

20 October (Sunday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 3:40 P.M.) Cloudy. Sunny. Cloudy. Sunny . . All day it has been cloudy. Sunny . . .
It has been hot and humid, too.
The act is more important then the status of the outlet.
I see where the Ramsey Master Mimes, a student group of the Ransey Alternative High School in Birmingham, will be one of the featured attractions at the final Discovery Concert of the Alabama Symphony next Sunday.
This mime group is he standard Mime dance/Illusions presenters. Producer, promoters, etc., know how to deal with this style.
The kids, most likely, will never present Mime again.
Why should such competetion bother me? The only thing that matters is that I can find the special opportunities to 'force' my 'unique' style on the 'unspecting' public.
I will do my thing whenever I can, and fuck the 'competition.'
For I have no competition.

21 October (Monday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 1:43 P.M.) I did a plie session and work-out (plus a warm-up 'unclogging') to classical music AND the 'sounds' of "The Lord cracking walnuts" and a downpour.
The 'bowling alley' is still opened, but the 'angels has ceased their crying.'
Sun has appeared some today, but has been beat bad at the present.
It is warm, though.
I completed all 12 of the semi-related tales of John Steinbeck's "The Pastures of Heavens." They all 'spoke of' how circumstances and luck can, and usualy do, 'screw' up the 'well-laid plans of Mice and Men.'
Which only goes to show that one should have ambition and drive; one should be fit and well-trained; oportunity will only come on its own terms, and sweet time.

(about 6:13 P.M.) A wet, dreary evening; only a very light mist falls.
Every since I sat me down and explain things, how and why the situation exist that exist, I feel so great emotionally happy and serene.
A lot of ezplanations have already been recorded and assimulated.
For my own state of mind and mental stability, I had to convince myself of certain points.
For instance, it is not important when my next outlet is. I will present my 'show' when I present my 'show,' and go on with life.
I will concentrate on the development of Luigi; where I present is secondary.

22 October (Tuesday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 6:36 A.M.) Cool morning.
Lethagy has set in. Since I have convinced myself that it doesn't matter if I do a lot of Mime, or even if I do any at all, my life is more 'easy going.'
Do I really believe my new theory that I could put aside Mime for a while or even forever, or is this a type of spiritual and emotional relaxation to compliment training?
I have GOT to cut down on the mental awaremess - constanly thinking - that I give to Mime. When the time comes to escape for Mime's grasp, I can only make a clean break if my mental atitude is not so entangled in the Web.

(about 9:29 A.M.) When some one is obsessed and 'controlled' by one situation - in this case, Mime - it is obvious and natural that mental plans and forecasts will occassionally come to past.
But what about all of the auguries and dreams that were nothing but fantasies and wishful thinking?
Since a life's pursuit is dependent on luck, the odds of some Mind images becoming a reality are high.
One tends to forget about the 'failures' and pain, and overemphasize the few 'successes.'
It doesn't mean, that one has 'tuned' into one's divine Calling.
The disqust I am suffering is possibly due to coming face to face with the fact that a Mime career is a business, and not an artistic lifestyle. And I just don't know how to handle a business.
Am I handing out blame - to management, art councils, etc, family - in order that I won't have to deal with the fact that I can not make it in the business world of Mime?
I really don't beong in professional' Mime. It requires more than talent, discipline, and dedication to 'succeed.' And, apparently, I don't have, and can't discover, what it takes.
There must be a way to live a happy life without that 'habit.' The secret is to re-structure my existence and channel the 'enery' used in Mime to another, 'higher' situation.
But what?

(about 3:00 P.M.) It continues cloudy, with a very light rain, abmost non-existence.
Until I marrry, or accomplish something unusual and 'great,' I can never get out of Mime.
College failed to provide a 'close,' relationship, the type I could cherish and lean-on.
The Baha'i Faith was a disappointment.
The Boy Scout 'success' was achieved by fraud.
I can't seem to be an attraction for women.
My act does'stand out,' though. So how can I walk away from the only thing that makes me feel human and worthwhile?

23-24 October (Wednesday-Thursday), Childersburg, Al.

(23rd, About 12:35 P.M.) It is an overcast day; cool; wet grass.
I sent an 'application' to the State of Alabama <a style="font-style:oblique;font-weight:bold;" id="intext_link_6992703" href="#336075" rev="0" rel="VH9XIFxsXWUIL1YhUG9WIAc/CSNSYVp5BGBTbABqBTsBNAcmWSACcwl1A2BUaFM VGtePQJUDHhUIAMxVnIOZlQmV2pcc110CCZWbFBcVn0HBwkuUj1aPgRnU2kAKAUhATAHPllrAjsJNANvVG1TNFRjXngCaAxiVD8DAVZ/Di5UYVdxXHJdbAgiVnhQcFY6BysJPlIwWj4Ee1MwAHIFNgE2B39ZMwJoCWADM1Q9U29UJV5nAjsMIFRgA21WYQ5uVDVXMlw2XTIIZ1ZkUDBWYAdoCTFSaFpvBDFTPAAyBWABYAdlWTMCaQljAzBUNFNlVDFecAJqDGtUNAMUVhQOYVQ1VzVcMF0wCG9WblAmViEHMgllUmZaaQQ7UysAbwUzAWwHHllEAg8JIQNCVGJTMVReXhUCOgw9VHQDLlY5DihUYVdqXGhdcwgiVmtQS1Y9BzMJbVIoWnUEYVNiAGsFdQF9B3BZdwIxCT4Dd1QmU21UKl4/AmUMeVQ3AyVWJA5 VHk=" class="intext_ad_1341635247" onclick="return(false);">Ballet</a> this morning, in an attempt to secure the role of Uncle Drosselmeyer in the 1985 production of "The Nutcracker" in Birmingham.
Will I ever be able to establish a 'connection' with anything except the Circus?
While on the road last year, I made the 'promise' that I would only tour with a show with a 'classy' reputation, which I equated with the Big Apple Circus, even if it took 2-3 years to arrange.
So why am I so upight? Why have I 'blown' money on trying to 'hit it' with 'fly by night,' low-class, amateurish outlets?
Going after a definite goal, even if it means 2-3 years of 'idleness,' but which the goal is very rewarding outlet, is so much more worthwhile, in the long run, than taking any opportunity that comes along.
So calm down!
Take a deep breath!
And be patient!
Something will come along!

(24th, About 3:01 P.M.) The sun is here for a 'visit'; it was earlier. But between 'visits,' it was hail! Rain, hard and heavy, and marble-size hail.
And I was hoping to mow the grass! It will have to wait.
I sent another rminder of my artistic services to John Strong this morning.
I have several 'sales letter' out; maybe one or two will come to fruitation.
Channal 21 (WTTO) is airng a 1973 cinematic version of the Frankenstein 'legend,. entitled FRANKENSTEIN: THE TRUE STORY (Michael Sarrazin protrays the Monster). It is being shown over 2 nights at 8:00 P.M. (last night and tonight) and, unlike the horror Movie that my generation grew up with, this version is closely related to the Mary Shelly's Gothic Classic, with its psychological study, and effects of 'messing with God's business.'
So I am re-reading the novel. And I am 'seeing' the 'sights' more accurately this second 'trip'; I have grown in intellectual perspection and I am more aware and appreciative of details.

(about 6:24 P.M.) Cool and 'dampish.'
How much of a child I was until lately (?). By this I mean, in my naivete, I expected artistic outlets to come to me. I was too innocent (? stupid?!) to realize the necessity of organizing, forming a business.
Like a child, I was going through life aimlessly. The sex play was 'fill-in,' a result of boredom, no definite direction and purpose.
How much did Luigi prolong my 'Childhood'?
Is childhood really a 'state' that people want to return to?
But when 'grown-ups' do, they are criticized and dealt with harshly.
Now that I am 'adult,' is Clowning something I should keep at?

25-26 October (Friday-Saturday), Birmingham/Childersburg, Al.

(About 3:27 P.M.) The day has been, for the most part, overcast. But the temperatures has been, warm, although it was cool this morning in Birmingham.
It was around 11:40 A.M. when I arrived back 'home' from a visit to the Holts and the Magic City. Trailways Bus got me there, and Leslie got me back to Childersburg.
I travelled Friday morning.
One 'thing' I did was to present my show from about 11:30-1:30, atthe Fall Harvest Festival in Woodrow Wilson park.
The men's restroom on the 1st floor of the Court House was my dressing area.
The lunch hour crowd gave me a good number of audience, and so enough 'material' for a good 'work-out.' I am please with my appearance.
Kate Gilmer, the co-ordinator of the festival, is a kid (early 20's).
As long as my 'act' is 'natural' and unconscious, I keep going. When it becomes 'forced' and such that I am 'aware' of it, I 'put it away for the day.' And this is what I did.
It was a sunny, beautiful day for a 'party.'
The audience was, mainly, grown-ups; I was spared the kiddy enviroment, so the'show' didn't meet much animosity.
The children that were their didn't attack me.

(about 4:58 P.M.) Leslie went with the Halls to the Birmingham Municipal Airport this morning, and she would be driving the car back to Childersburg (the Halls were flying to Thunder Bay, Ontario).
Steve drove me to the Terminnal this morning around 10:30 A.M. (Mary and Jesse were along in the van).
In less than a minute, the White Hall Car arrived (around 10:45 A.M.). And after her 'bosses' left the Car (Mrs. Hll is semi-invalid, and 'rides' a lot in a wheel chair), we headed for Childersburg.
Yes, I did stay at the South East Lake Holt Hotel. For a while, it looked as if I would be 'homeless'; I dialed the 'Hotel' telephone number (833-9393) 3 or 4 times Friday morning and could not make contact.
It wasn't until after the 'show,' before leaving my 'dressing rooom' (about 1:40 P.M.) that I succeeded on the telephone search.
I was given a reservattion.'
After retreiving an unbrella and shoulder bag from a Trailways Bus Station locker, I headed for a city bus stop on 3rd Avenue, N.
What luck! A number 25 (?) 'came' by te 22nd Street stop. So I paid my 80 cents and got out of town.
It was about 2:45 P.M. when I arrived at my East Lake 'home.'
The visit was very nice this time, even if Jesse does scream and yell for his way; Mary usually gives in, but Steve doesn't.
I didn't feel intimidated; I felt welcomed and loved.
The friendship is solid, after all.`
I took Jesse a birthday gift (it was last Tuesday, his birthday anniversary. He was 4 years old).
What a brat! Jesse spoils my visits with Mary and Steve.
The Fall Harvest Festival 'show' redeemed the 'bomb' that the August Gallery on the Green was (both were in Wilson Park.).
So, all in all, it was a fine day and a half (approx) in Birmingham.
I got much needed 'relief' about an hour ago; I have been terribly horny and 'erected' since last night. I am now o'Kay.
Mama is at the Fall Festival of A.H. Watwood School tonight, so I can 'nude' it for a while.

(about 6:34 P.M.) It is rather cool.
A point to ponder: My 'sleep walking' experience in Birmingham early on that Thursday morning, October 3rd - the buildings, Streets, etc., wasn't real; it was like stage scenery; in other words, it was like a 'dream.'
And: Do not consciously dwell on the past. Of course, the influence exist; that can't be prevented. But just let it 'enter' your life on its own.
It doesn't matter.
And, too: Who would really want to return to childhood, a time of confusion, unstructured existence, wasted energy, etc.? I sure wouldn't.
Those that do are, more than likely, leading bored, uneventful lives. And they are unhappy, shameful, etc, of their past; if they could only go back and set things right.
Kids remind me of my childhood; hence, I am intimidated by them, and try to avoid them.
I'm trying to overcome this.

27 October (Sunday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 4:02 P.M. Central Standard Time) The clocks had to go back, off of Daylight time. This day, therefore, will be 25-hours long.
25-hours of wet, cold, miserable weather. It is truly a suck-ass day. Heavy rain has fallen a large part of the day.
Even though my career is shaky and in trouble, I am in a happy, oplimistic mood; I still have the support of Mary and Steve. The re-assurance was very important to me. It was the not knowing that created a lot of the emotional conflict I have been suffering as of late.
I am even contented to live here with Mama until I can arrange somthing else.
I am working on two editorials. When I submit them - if such is a happening - I will report more about them.
I do not have to justify living with Mama and Childersburg to anybody. If it seems like a failure, than so be it! People can think what they will. It's caring about their perception of me that has cause an emotional conflict.

28 October (Monday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 2:42 P.M.) It is a cold, rainy day. Hurricane Juan, presently in the Gulf of Mexico, is fucking the weather up.
I did a plie session and work-out, along with a preliminary warm-up, early this afternoon.
I am dress with no place to go. Maybe the 'cure' will soon be found (to either relieve my enthusiasm, or my need to even do Mime.).
It's hard to face the fact that my 'act' is a 'product,' and that I have to sale it like I would encyclopedias. But that is what I must do.
And business is bad!
I could never make it on my own. So why even try. I should enjoy and appreciate my 'stay' in Childersburg and Mama's house - it will be a long one!

(about 7:12 P.M.) Due to Juan, the wind has been rather fierce. March winds? The Windy City? Blowing in the wind?
Enough!
I am sending a sales 'poster' to the Alabama Shakespeare Festival; I am also submitting an editorial to the "Birmingham Post-Herald." My querulous letter is asking how people can criticize the Soviet Union for being a slave state, and state the Blacks has it good under slavery.
Even if the editorial never makes it to 'The Morning Mail' section, arranging words to express my point helped in developing verbal communication.
Only Ego is pressuring me to work more, in order to become famous. Ego must be put in its place; presenting Mime, if only 3-4 times a year, a day each time, is whats important. It doesn't matter if I ever establish a 'following.'

29-30 October (Tuesday-Wednesday), Childersburg, Al.

(30th, About 8:26 A.M.) A rainy morning, with a temperature reading in the high-50 degees F.
The wind, one of the long arms of Hurrricane Juan, was rather strong yesterday. It did, though, allow a chance to complete the grass-mowing (there were a section around the clothes line).
It is so difficult to stay on an emotional level in the Business. Jobs in the Mime field are few and far between. Many people have warned me of such. I have tried to resign myself to the fact, but for some reason, I fefuse to accept this axiom.
The refusal, in a big way, is based on the belief (or feeling) that the quality of my talent is directly related to the amount of jobs I have.
Such a relationship does not exist.
Of course, it could be that I feel money alone justifies a career in Mime; or, at least I feel others (Joyce, Leslie, Mama, etc.?) look at it so.
Mime cannot become a form of escapism; I cannot desire Mime jobs just to get away from Childersbug.
Mime must be done for its own sake; otherwise it becomes a game, therapy, pasttime, etc., and not a serious endeavor.

(about 2:48 P.M.) What a horrible day! It is rainy and cold.
I completed the re-read of "Frankenstein" by Mary Shelley.
It is amazing how much I absorbed from this second perusal. There are so much details to assimilate.
Could it be the initial reading (wheneven that was) was no a ripe time to 'take in' all the story, and appreciate the artistry involved?
Mary Shelley was only 19 when she wrote this tale, which is now a part of folk lore and legend. I was sexually excited thinking about the maturity and development it must have required to write in such a great style.
Is it that I read to escape Mama? I wish it was that easy.
Reading for it own sake is the only way to be a good reader. My not-so-great reading skills is probably a result of the movtivation and frame of mind for reading.
If I am going to escape by boooks, I should use a Harlaquin Romance or cheap weatern; 'classics' are too important to abuse.
The afternoon was (and is) suck-ass, but it didn't prevent a plie session, work-out, and ejaculation.

31 October (Thursday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 7:57 A.M.) It is a damp, dreary morning, a thermometer registration of the mid-60 degrees F.
Although Hurricane Juan has quit the Gulf, his effects are still being felt, damn him!
I am submitting another short editorial to "The Birmingham News." This one is how parents take so much interest in their children's activities, fight so hard against pornography, but will destroy all this 'good' by filling the home enviroment with racial hatred and begotry.
Een though word play is interesting, it isn't all that easy or enjoyable for me. But writing helps organize my thoughts.
Will Mime ever allow me any kind of independence, financial or otherwise?
I can't believe how much of a 'Mama's Boy' I have bee; how I would sit by Mama; seek 'security' from Mama; try to depend on Mama.
I don't think it was a born-with trait; Mime left me with some kind of need which 'Mama Boyness' satisfied.
It seems I require both - Mime outlets, and the 'escape' of a 'Mama' enviroment.
Or at least I did.
If I ever get another tour aranged, it will be different; I think I could go the season on my own 'resources,' without needing 'Mama,' and the escapism that goes with it.
If I can get with another show, I will stick with it for awhile, if it is half-way Civilized.
My own'rig' would sure make a circus tour enjoyable and self-sufficient; but it requires a livable salary.
I must start over, away from Childersburg and 'Mama.' Its the not knowing how that is tearing me up' emotionally.

(about 11:07 A.M.) It remains a suck-ass day. The wind is becoming stronger. And Hurricane Juan is still making a nuisance of himself; he is heading away from Louisiana, where he did much damage and killed about 7 people, and towrds Alabama-West Florida.
Juan is as roaming and Capricious as Elena.
A point: The human spirit seems to require an outside 'hold' in order to be. To most people it is a steady, '9-5' job.
When someone is stubborn enough to try to make a Mime career full-time, and when the job market is almost non-existence, someting else must be clung to.
In my case, my eratic Mime job force me to look for something else to hold to. And, for whatever reason, I made 'Mama's Boy' my preservation.
After all, there is only so much energy and spiritual attraction to go around.
So it is the circmstances, and not birth, that is the seat of all my emotional problems.

(about 3:30 P.M.) It is presently 'sprinkling.' The sky is overcast and dark; wind is fierce at times.
Dr. Rosen called me around 2:00 P.M.; I have been 'hired' for another study. This one is only 6 days, though (3 out, 3 in). The pay is $250 for this 'work.'
Dr. Rosen is arranging the Protocal Period, and will get back to me. I hope I am told tomorow what day to report; the tree harvest job will also start soon (if I win such a position) and I must make official application tomorrow or Monday.
I continue to take advantage of the 'in-between' days (weeks, months) with physical training, intellectual pursuits, and music pracice.
Another emotional 'trougle maker' is that I feel if I can just get one more 'major' outlet, I can 'get discovered.' The 1984 tour allowed me to develope the confidence; now if I can only get the chance to begin my 'serious' phase.
The inability to make contact with the appropiate opportunity is driving me crazy.
If only I could get the chance!

1 November (Friday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 2:00 P.M.) Another wet, dreary, with temperatures in the low 60 degrees F., day.
Dr. Rosen informed me by telepine that I am to report to 3-West at 8:00 A.M. Wednesday morning.
Friday evening I will be in a 'hospital' room.
I will be 'laid-off' the following Monday night.
A short, but welcomed, job.

(about 5:59 P.M.) I feel a destny to fulfill the void where a Great Clown should be. It is up to me to be the answer to the question, "Where are all the Great Clowns?"
I feel I have to stay int he field and suffer "slings and arrows" and whatever is my lot.
It is up to me, and me alone, to save Clowning and Mime.
Or is all the above Bullshit? Do I actually believe I am a slave to Mime, hat it is my 'job' to resurrect the art of Clowning?
Is my life only necessary to advance Clowning?
But thinking so keeps me going. Besides, what else do I have to do?
I have begun the study of Dante's "The Divine Comedy," a 'calssic' poem epic. "The Inferno' is the first part.
The version I have was translated by John Ciardi.
I hope to concentrate of poetry, an area in which I am very weak, for a while.
Poetry may 'bring out' some untapped energy. I am anxious to find out.
I did a late plie session and work-out; the morning brough 'relief.'

2 November (Saturday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 2:52 P.M.) Once again, a cold, damp, suck-ass day.
I am writing this to Opera, via WBHM Public Radio in Birmingham.
The important happening, so far, of 1985 is that I lost my professional naivete; if my 'act' is great, terrific, outstanding, etc., it is only so for itself. Talent is no guarantee of work.
If I am to be a 'star,' it is up to me; I will never get 'discovered,' or the Big Break.
I must not even wait to 'make it'; I must go 'for it' and fight my way through all the 'barriers' (stupidity and shallowness).
The Opera is a Wagner, part of "Sigfield."

(about 4:45 P.M.) In a quick look-back at the place headings of this record, only 2-3 days have been spent away from Childersburg.
This isn't because I like thisthe road any more, and I am 'studying' the market.
The Charleston fiasco last May cured me of going after what's not there.

3 November (Sunday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 1:00 P.M.) ANOTHER damp, cold, dreary day.
I don't get a thrill out of new places as I once did. The excitment I now get is from ideas, revelations, insights, etc.
It appears the therapy resulting from performing was a success.
The 'childish' enthusiasm for Mime is gone; it is now a 'job,' a serious 'business.'
I see no reason to go 'on the road' unless there is a definite goal (outlets, etc.) at the journey's end.
Maybe the above is how it should be. Maybe 'the thrill' has interferrred with growth and development.
Why worry if I will ever be involved with Mime again? I am getting everything (costuming, physical condition, emotional state-of-mind, etc.)ready if and when an outler presents itself. Until then, take it easy.

(about 3:13 P.M.) A cold, high-50 degrees F., afternoon.
This morning, I 'shot my wad,' as it is know as among the uninitiated.
You know what it is? I have reached a point where every town is my 'home.' I feel welcomed in each one I go to.
The excitment and thrill that use to accompany my travels were partners with intimidation. And since this situation has changed, I feel all places are open to me.
Should I, therefore, go the New York City route? Once my finanical status is straightened out, I should have a clearer idea of what to do.

4 Novenber (Monday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 4:12 P.M.) After, How many days? the sun has manage to break through the cloud cover. It was a lovely day, with a high of mid-60 degrees F.
The wind is cold, though.
And this morning, early, was very wintry (low-40 degrees F.) It is cooler at present.
I officially submittted my application at the Wilsonville Tree Nursery. This temporary job will be a possibly a hold over for me in 2-3 weeks.
I did a plie session, work-out, practicing recorder, and a short juggling session today, the last for 7-8 days.

5-10 November, Childersburg/Homewood/Birmingham, Al.

(5th, About 12:14 P.M.) I am at a table in the concession area by the Monkey Island of the Birmingham Zoo. Bright sun abounds; in spite of this, it is rather cold.
I left the bus, which brought me from Childersburg this morning, at the Homewood package and freight substation.
First, I went the the Little Professor Book Store on the Main drag of Downtown Homewood, and purchased a copy of "Dance Magazine" for November ($2.95 with tax).
Then I made the trek to the zoo.
It was around 10:30 A.M. when I passed through the zoo entrance (a $2 admission fee).
There are several school groups, but I have manage to avoid them, most of the time.
It is very enjoyaable, and a great learning experience, to be able to spend 15, 20, or more, minutes at each 'cage.' And, as with most people, I don't need a kid with me in order to appreciate the animals.
In Mime (at least in my style), the eyes, head movements, port de bras, etc., are tell-tale indicators of the 'animal's' personality, soul, etc. Communication can be can very subtle.
In other words, body language, which takes keen, concentrated observation, is what makes each species unique.
Distractions (kids, sex, etc.) can rob one of the required energy for 'taking in' animal behavior.
I was offered a ride this morning in Chldersburg to "over the hill." I didn't recognized the driver, but the passenger was Mr. Rayfield, I think; Mr. Rayfield is the supervisor (?) at the tree nursery.
I already had a ticket, so I turned down the lift. Besides, I didn't want my schedule screwed up.

(about 3:46 P.M.) It has warmed, but it is still cold!
I am at the Botanical Gardens, across from the zoo, which I left around 3:37 P.M.
What a day! I'm all looked out. There is a lot to see at the zoo.
Now, if I can only remenber the names of animals so that I will be able to identify them in the wild!
Although I am mixed over the 'caging' of animals in zoos, it is amazing the kinship and similiarities humans have with the 'lower' animales.
More later; I am too exhausted even to write my thoughts coherantly.

(6th, About 7:35 A.M.) I am in the cafeteria of the University Hospital. It is cold outside, but 'sunny' and 'good-looking.'
I made in with only a few seconds to spare to the bus stop at 85 st., N., and 4th Ave., S.; the 6:45 A.M. got me downtown, from where I transferred to one passing U.A.B.
Maybe its the situation, but I do not feel 'at ease,' comfortable, 'close,' etc., to Mary and Steve during this current 'stay' with them. Could it be that I feel the bum I am?
Instead of a visit, my 'stay' with Mary and Steve is due to necessity, not desire. And maybe a 'no-choice' visit is not as condusive to enjoyment as would be a visit to renew a friendship.
From statments Steve make, I get the feeling he doesn't give my act any credibility, due to my situation. And he is, supposively, a liberal!
Of course, what he thinks in unimportant. But it is discerning when he tries to tell me performance theory.
If he has more 'artistic' discipline, it would be different. But everything to him is on the academic level.
And Jesse is a monster!

(about 5:13 P.M.) I am finish'work' for today. What a day at the office!
It warmed into a beautiful afternoon. With the running away of the Great Yellow Orb, though, there is nothing to heat us.
This morning I sent a Postal Money Order (from the 5-Points, South, Post Office) for $21.54 to National Geographic, covering the cost and mailing of 3-1986 calenders.
The rest of the morning was passed mostly at the U.A.B. Library.
After lunch (potatoe 'wedges,' hamburger patty, slaw, tea, and more I forgot) I rode DART to the Salvation Army Trhift Store stop.
I purchase a telescope ($5) and a red 'dance' pull-over shirt ($1.25).
Art Muesum, next.
Then Birmingham Public Library, where I copied from a Miami,
Fl., yellow page telephone directory the address and phone number for Allan Hill's Great American Circus.
I am coming to you from the University Hospital Cafeteria.

(7th, About 7:35 A.M.) Another day on the job will soon begin. I am awaiting the 'whistle,' here at a 'desk' at my 'office' in the University Hospital Cafeteria.
It is very pleasant outside this morning; just a tad cool. Beautiful weather!
Stece had a Tai Chi class last night at the Arts Annex, about 6th Ave., S, and 13th (?) St,; this 'bus' carried me to East Lake around 8:30 P.M.
After dinner, I paid a visit to the Health Science Library.
As reported Tuesday, the excursion at te zoo wore me out, making my writing incoherent. What I wanted to say was, that, since Man is responsible for most species of animals becoming extinct or endangered through ecroachment of their habitat, and polluting the enviroment, and have a duty to make amends, does Man have a right to play 'God,' and protect the 'critters' just for out amusement?
If a specie becomes endangered on its own, should Man interfere?

(abot 5:17 P.M.) Another day, another bunch of money!
I am at a table in the cafeteria.
The Health Science Library had a book sale today; I bought 2 books this afternoon: "The Vitamins," a record of a 1939 symposium of some AMA councils, and "Buchaman's Manual of Anatomy" (7th edition).
Both books was gotten for $1.
The book purchase was the only major 'excitment.'
The sale began about 11:00 A.M., bur it was crowded wih health professionals. So I left,, and went back when the place was thinned out. And, since the health 'insider' were after the esoteric materisl, I was better able to find the general, outsiders,' stuff.
The morning found me at U.A.B. Library; the afternoon, Parke Memorial Branch Library at 11th Avenue, S., at 18th/19th Streets.
It was cloudy, slightly windy, with a brief shower today.
I also visited the U.A.B. Art Gallery, and viewed Modern, 'academic,' 'art' (?)

(About 7:37 A.M.) The bright shine hitting this area from the sun is not enough to form a warm day; it is cold out!
I rode out to Eastlake last nigt, around 8:00 P.M., with Mary and her co-worker, Shirley (a nurse); they had a speech class at the Adult Continuing Education Center.
Shirley, around my age, isn't bad looking, but doenn't make a good impression in the 'brains' department.
To think that I, fortunately, kept a record of the 1965 Boy Scouts World Jamboree! And it wasn't even a conscious, directed action. It was instinctive, as was the journal of my Clown School experience.
Only the influence of the Baha'i Faith made record-keeping an 'academic' employment.
Good or bad?
I used to be an instinctive Clown; 1984 marked the first time I really became aware of what was going on.
This year, a 'business' was created.
Good or bad?

(about 5:23 P.M.) I am a 'short-lease residence ' of J 364, this go-around. My 'roomy' is one Warren Shaw, who is a participant of the long research project of Dr. Rosin's.
I 'came home' around 3:30 P.M., after spending time at the Public Library downtown.
I have been 'on-call' since 8:00 A.M. Tuesday; so it hasn't been '8-5' as reported.
It warmed later in the morning and this afternoon, but there was a chilly wind.
Laurie is my primary nurse.
Angela was my admitting nurse.

(9th, About 7:21 A.M.) 'Breakfast' was a yellowish, puke-like thick 'milk shake.' It tasted horrible even with a grape juice chaser.
Fanny Johnson was Night Nurse; 'my love' is the Day 'Caretaker.' (Promotion?)
I will make a genital view available for her pleasure.
From the window can be seen 19th Street, Spain-Wallace Building, and lots of sunshine. I understand it is a nice day.
Warren's gal friend came for a visit last night; she even laid on the bed with him!
I sure do miss my privacy!

(about 9:32 A.M.) Rosemary! That's her name! That's the first name of 'my love.'
By contorting and bending, I was able to prostrate myself on the bathroom floor; the my prostrate let go of its backed-up 'cream.'
With Rosemary as my guardian angel, the clog was interfering with my cncentration.
Everything is o'Kay now.
This may be a brief in-hospital Protocal, but my inprisonment is 'dragging out.'

(about 2:40 P.M.) What makes it so bad today is an 'emotional' situation; I am 'addicted' to water, and, for this Protocal, I can only have so much. And I used up my morning's ration 2-3 hours ago.
At 3:00 P.M., I should get another 'fix.'
Thank God the Water 'fast' is only 3 days!
Rosemary got a look at my male member and 'friends.'
This is a tough 'job'! I am so thirsty!

(about 5:29 P.M.) What a long, boring day! One can only read for so long. Reading should be for therapy, pleasure, etc., and not for 'something to do.'
The yeast 'milkshakes' I have to take are awful! Five times a day!
I peed out more potassium than Dr. Rosen thought I would; my bloood pressure was low, from a dose of lysix.
I must also drink a 'shot' of potassium, usually mixed with grape juice.
Nan Farr is my Evening Nurse.
All in a day's work!
Liquid soap has been a fringe benefit of this assignment.

(10th, About 7:22 A.M.) My rom mate likes a cold enviroment, so I am suffering.
His bitch nurse gal friend is with him now.
Damn Dr. Rosin for putting me in the same room with an inconsiderate ass!
I received about 3/4 quart of salin (sodium choloride .9%) last night.
And the potion was changed this morning.

(about 1:11 P.M.) From the window, it appears a lovely day: plenty of sunshine.
And it is a great day! I was 'let out' for about 1/2 hour late this morning. I took a walk; what a beautiful 'Spring,' warm day. The temperature must be in the low-80 degrees F.
My emotional mood was really helped by brief taste of freedom.
It also helps me when I unclog myself.
The taste of the 'milkshake' is that similiar to (according to my cultivated taste buds) Vanilla Creme.
When I do these guinea pigships, it seems Mime takes a 'back seat.' After all, why worry about what can't be controlled?
Of course, priorities will be changing after dismissal tomorrow.

(about 6:00 P.M.) I have just been given 2-15 ML bottles of Potassium Chloride (10%) (2 MED), by Nan Farr, my private Evening Nurse. Even diluted in water, it has a BAD taste.
As have all the other doses of potassium that has been part of this 'job.'

(about 8:01 P.M) Solitude. Once again.
I am experiencing an emotional conflict: it has finally struck home how inmature and mentally/sexually perverted the game I play of exposing myself to these nurses. I'm sure they don't care.
And that may be what is 'eating away' at my ego, the villan in my fight for stability.
When Rosemary, earlier, mentioned her husband, it was apparent she didn't take my 'shows' seriously. To her it's part of the job.
The nature of this 'job' also, most likely, brings about emotional confusion. It could be a side effect of the medication; but the fact that I am doing loser's 'work,' a step up from selling blood, doesn't help my mental atate.
I must not allow Mime to deprive me of happiness and self-dignity. I must put Mime 'on hold' until I get myself straightened out financially, and a love life estabiished.
Even if I was concerned about Mime, a sexual/emotional relationship with a woman (!) would also improve Luigi, and not be a distraction.
I must put together a definite plan (for love life, monetary, and career) and then 'go for it'; this wasting money and time on searching for nothintg definite, this grabbing of the air, MUST cease.
I will only resume my Mime 'career' when a specific project comes along. Otherwise, I must swallow pride, forget about professional Clowndom, and try for 'regular' work.
What does it matter if I am a 'professional' or not? Talent is talent.

11-15 November (Monday-Friday), Birmingham/Childersburg, Al.

(11th, About 7:35 A.M.) ,on the morning of the day of my release. The window gives the impression of a sunny 'Spring' day.
My 'Instant Breakfast' has been given the flavor of peppermint, complete with the pink coloration.
Will this session bring my Guinea Pig Career to an end? I hope so,; it is time to move on to something more 'manly.'
Of course, these guinea pigships have 1. provided financial support while arranging another project; 2. provided a source of knowlede and awareness of the workings and relationships of the heart, kidneys, etc; 3. provided a legal 'staging area' for sex games, even though I have finally reached burn-out with my 'victms' here.
I have also had the 'free time' (no worry of food, etc, and no necessity of putting up with Mama's crapt) to consider my further career and life 'moves.'

(about 3:44 P.M.) I got through Hell with Dante. "The Inferno" will have to be read a second time (and a third, a fourth, etc) for the many details, but this initial study familiarized me with the background and framwork which led to Dante's penning of his "Comedy."
In Dante's Hell, the punishment fits the sin. Long before I even heard of Dante, in my days of innocence, I 'came up' with a 'theory' very similar: people would continue doing in the 'Afterlife' what they were doing when Death took them.
Co-incidence? I am concentrating on "The Divine Comedy" at the age that Dante was when he wrote it.
I wonder: was this 'classic' thrust upon me for some reason?

(12th, About 7:45 A.M.) I am at the Holt Hotel.
My final 'bloodletting' was around 7:50 P.M. last night. Steve and I, via telephone, had earlier made arrangements upon my release; he and Mary would pick me up around 8:10 P.M., and the 3 of us would go out to a Merican Restaurant (Amigo's on 20th Stt., S.)
(Jesse was at his Childersburg Grandparents, due to a camping trip Mary and Steve, and the dogs, went on this past weekend. He will be brought back this afternoon.)
The Birmingham Public Library was closed yesterday because of Veteran's Day; Mary and Steve had planned to take advantage of their independence, and spend 2-2 1/2 hours on literary pursuit, and then we would meet. But I had discovered the closing and informed Steve during our first conversation.
When the dinner date was being scheduled, I had no idea a big 'going away' meal would be served me. But Nan, after 'soaking' me for the last time, fixed me up (it was already cooked, just needed heated up) a big meal - salad, roast beef, mixed vegetables, potatoes, 2 rolls spegetti, 2 milks, 2 teas, a chocolate pie, 2 cookies.
I ate the majority of the feast, saved the milk and cookies for later, and was finally released by 8:30 P.M.
I then had dinner; 2 tocos, rice, beans, and a glass of beer.
I still wasn't overly stuffed!
It is overcasted this morning, but warm. I don't know if I will bus it back to Childersburg, or bum a ride with Helen and Casey Holt when they return, after bringing Jesse home.

(about4:03 P.M.) It has been (and is) a beautiful warm Fall day. Absolutely wonderful!
I rode with Steve while he was delivering telephone directories, his permanent part-time job.
I also helped him clear fallen leaves from the roof.
Luigi must not be a 'cover' for the inability at domestic chores. Mime is destroyed once it is used as a substitute for 'life.'
I stretched out on the bathroom floor this morning, in a supine position, and 'shot my wad.'
What did I ever do before I developed the 'skill' of ejaculation?
Does semen conain cofusion, emotional conflicts, etc.?
When I was on the Isle of Palm in Charleston, S.C., the last of May, why didn't I do nude and underwear 'shows'? Is it because hitch hiking is degrading enough, and the 'meeting' with the policeman was intimidating. I felt as if sex games would only add to the 'injuries'?
Nudity should be practiced for its own sake, not to draw attention or to shock people.
Besides, I didn't 'feel' at ease in Charleston. The trip was a waste and a dumb thing.
But I feel something should be done on my part to keep my 'career' from dying.

(13th, About 6:55 A.M.) Is it ever foggy this moring! And slightly coolish.
It was around 8:30 P.M. last night when I arrived back at my 'business headquarers.' Helen and Casey Holt provided the transportation.
Mary, Steve, Jesse, Helen, Casey, and I went out to eat at Morrison's last night. For the second night in succssion I splurged when I really shouldnt have, not wih an uncertain financial future.

(about 3:37 P.M.) The sun is really showing itself; and what a beautiful, warm day.
Is this really NOVEVBER? It is spring outside!
I returned to a regular training routine: plies/work-out, practicing recorder/juggling. It has been over a week, but tte plie mood is still fresh.
I am already to 'do' a Major project.
I also ejaculated this morning.

(14th, About 7:00 A.M.) Coolish ouside, but it augars a beautiful day.
Last night it came to me one of the resons for my present 'hatreds' and 'negative atitudes'; I let my ambition carry me away last Winter and Spring. The fantastic success of the 1984 instilled me with enthusiasm and the belief (naivete as it was) that outfits would 'fight' for my services.
I purchased a lot of stuff.
I went on trips in order to make my act available to the non-circus audience.
Much money was 'laid out' in preparing Luigi for 'stardom.'
Then, my ambition came up against a brick wall. It wasn't allowed. Reality forced ambition to submit.
And I guess I am trying to assert an independence.
I refuse to accept the power of Reality.
I don't know how to 'go up' against Reality.
Should I just give up the struggle, or keep an eye open for an 'escape'?
The 'defeat' may be only temporary; there is no need for a state of confusion and 'hating the world.'

(about 4:26 P.M.) It was in the 80 degrees F. this afternoon. Fantstic! Especially for the 14th of November!!
With the aid of the $5 telescope I purchased from the Salvation Army Thrift Store last Wednesday, I have added bird-watching to my training program. This activity will help me develope observation, where I will really see what I look at.
The body lanuage of birds will inspire Luigi to communicate more effectively, more subtly, in more detail.
Or has mime taught me how to study body lanuage?
Has mime helped me more, or have I helped Mime more?

(15th, About 3:40 P.M.) Another 'yesterday'; beautiful, Spring-like.
It has been overcast today.
Another routine training day.
The only thing 'monumental' was the sending of a sales letter to Allan C. Hill's Great American Circus, in Miami, Florida.
As with scholarship, juggling, instrument-playing, etc., 'excitment' somes in spurts: long periods of ho-hum, short and occassional 'spells' of 'earth-moving' situations.
And I never know when they will happen.

18 November (Monday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 8:28 A.M.) The land is awashed with the yellow overflow of the celestrial Life-giver.
In other words, it is sunny and warm.
OLd Man Winter is not able to penetrate the Sun's tenacious hold on this area.
In other words, Indian Summer is staying around; it is another beautiful day.
I began the journey through purgatory with Dante this morning, via his the "Purgatorio," Part II of Dante's "Comedy."
It was a year ago that I began a period of prodigious spending and intense preparation in order to 'force' the hand of God, and 'direct' Big Time my way.
We all know, though, that nothing 'major' showed up.
Of course, if it did, I probably wouldn't recognize it; my artistic outpouring at Panoply of the Arts and the Helen Keller Festival was of high quality. Was these 'major' outlets cancelled by the Charleston/Spoleto disaster?
Most, if not all, of the uncontrolled purchasing can be of use still. 'Work' clothes and equipment were bought when found; and, given the capriciousnes of the marketplace, the prices of buying later would, most likely, have 'costed me.'
Probably my most luckiest 'find' were the Michael Jackson gloves at the Salvation Army Thrift Store in Birmingham and Tuscaloosa.
I lack only $200 in having the OFFICIAL loan from Mama paid off. And at least $50 will be put against this debt before 1985 is over.
What will 1986 hold for me?

19 November (Tuesday, Childersburg, Al.

(About 6:48 P.M.) It was a beautiful day, but Kate, a hurricane presently near Cuba, is causing slightly rough and strong winds, and cooler temperatures.
The expectations of a sighting of Halley's Comet has added another program to my training: star-gazing. I have yet to 'catch' a view of the comet - th 'show' is a lot 'dimmer' than the P.R. let on - but the search has led me to a new and exciting activity.
For example, the moon look so 'friendly' and near through a telescope, even the weak one I purchased at the Salvation Army Thrift Store in Birmingham 2 weeks ago.
And to think 'we' have been up there! It is as if the moon is a 'territory' of these United States of America.
Is that Jupiter I saw? For years and YEARS (!) I have heard that the giant planet is easy to see; it wssn't until now, after all this time, that I have developed an interest in the 'heavens.'
To think what I have been missing these many years!
While peeking at Jupiter, is something peeking back? Makes one wonder!
The free pack of Kool cigarrettes I went out of my way to get from the lady on the corner in downtown Birmingham about 2 weeks ago has proven too much of a templation; for the past 3-4 days, I have smoked one, either around noon, or in the evening (outside of course). What part of my training is cancelled out?
Will I make a come-back in 1986, or continue to live a dream?

20 November (Wednesday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 9:50 P.M.) Another warm, overcase day.
There are 2 points I must report.
It has occurred to me that the main cause, probably, of the instability of my 'career' has been the fact that I have performed for the future, without a concentration and satisfaction for the show or outlet at hand. I was always wondering where my current performance, 'practice,' would lead; in spite of my artistic succeses, I have always been waiting on the Big Time.
What the Big Time is, I have never known; it was always 'something better.'
Every Mime job must be handled for its own sake, not for what suppose to result from it.
Secondly, I have always been afraid of women. I am still working out the details, but this fear and insecurity has probably had an influence on my 'sex play.'
At my age, it is ridiculous for childhood problems and situation to still have a hold on me, and controll my lifestyle.
I thew the remainder of the cigarrettes in the garbage; I was feeling the emotional injury that smoking leads to .

21 November (Thursday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 3:25 P.M.) A rainy, cold, suck-ass day, compliments of Hurricane Kate, off the coast of Panama City, Florida.
A little 'sun' did get through, though; a $250 check, for my guinea pig services, arrived in the mail a while ago.

23-24 November (Saturday-Sunday), Childersburg, Al.

(24th, About 6:52 A.M.) It is not as cold this morning - high 40 degrees F. - as it was this time yeserday. Maybe it will warm as yesterday, also; hopefully, even better.
$175, and the bill for the Circus Vargas fiasco and other erpenditure will be paid off. I am targetting a clean slate by the first of the year.
After analysing and thinking about the latest 'dates' with Mary and Steve, I realized that they patronized me; my lifestyle and theirs have nothing in common.
If and when I can ever 'cop' another Circus Clownship, and if it is half-way decent ('decent' is relative; my standards for such a criteria has changed since the last tour), I hope to 'move in' to the Circus life full-time. Its only a matter of an emotion a 'change of mind.'
It seems as if I have been fighting the inevitable, as if I was running from success, while bemoaning my 'career struggle.' It's time I submit to my fate.
I must get the hell from Childersburg!

(about 7:23 P.M.) It developed into a beautiful day; a break from the regular training routine.
I have it figured that I am about ten years behind the normal person, creatively, emotionally, intellectually, physically, and sexually.
Better lste than never!
While trimming the grass with the lawn mower for the last time this year, this afternoon. the pull rope (starter) was 'derailed.' The engine was 'running,' so I held onto the rope and soon forced 'engine off.'
My big chance to prove my mechanical skill!
But I failed! I was able to get the engine cover removed, but the 'spring,' which allows the pull-rope to return to wind-up position, decided to spotlight my mechanical 'klutzness'; I can not get it to co-operate and fit back in. Bill will take over the 'generalship' tomorrow and straighten everything out.
Is it normal for a 35-year-old man to want and need 'praise' from his Mother?
I must cease running away from obsacles.
Bill (Reeves) has had training and practical experience in small engine repair; let's face it, my dealings in that area is limited.
Mama understands. I think she is finally accepting my artistic 'career,' and half-way supports it (emotionally).
So, now, I am confused about what my immediate future should follow: if I am lucky enough to get a temporary silvaculture position, should I continue to live with Mama, or board somewhere?
How much am I allowing social acceptance, of what people will think of someone my age still living at home; how much will I let 'reputation' and pride influence me?
Have I finally grown up? I mean, I am aware of a heap of reasons for the way I have acted and function in the past, and have, finally, established a focus and direction, and achieved some measure of contrrol of my life.
Better late than never!

25 November (Monday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 9:30 P.M.) It was overcast today; and it was 'back to work.'
Attention, please; the following should be remembered:
One of the Major Characters in the C.B.S. (WBMG in Birmingham) Saturday Night Movie, CHASE, said, "A plant dies without roots.", in discussing people and their need of 'roots' (family, friends, etc.).
And Without being conscious of it, I have been tremendously artisticly successful. On the 1984 tour I was aware, to some extent, of my accomplisment.
As most people find out sooner or later, job 'success' has to be in partnership with 'domestic' elements (family, friends, etc.).
'Success' is nothing without the stablizer of family, friends, etc.
The trick is how to handle both necessities, how to divide one's time in order to spend appropriate energy and time in 'seeing to' each.
Both are needed for balance. If one side gets more attention than the other, emotional trauma could develope.
Something else for me to work on!

26 November (Tuesday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 7:55 P.M.) An overcast, but nice 'Spring' day.
I hope you can understand the following: it seems that I have never been conscious of what I was presenting, artisticly; I have never had stars in my eyes.
I have never thought Clowning was such a big deal; that my act was what clowning was all about.
I didn't push a 'business,' because I didn't think I suppose to.
Clowning/Mime always seemed like a 'regular' job to me; I was unaware of the romance, 'oddity,' of such work.
Now that I have lost my 'innocense,' will I be able to survive in the 'business'?
As the song states, "Starting all over again is going to be rough, so tough. . . ."

28 November-4 December (Thursday-Wednesday), Childersburg, Al.

(28th, About 6:49 A.M.) It is a wet, rainy, but warm Thanksgiving.
A creative artist (dancer, actor, teacher, etc.) must be willing to give up everything for his mode of expression, even if he never has to.
But it takes courage and a conscious effort to make the sacrifice.
Until recently (this year) I was unaware of this necessity, that a risk had to be taken for a creative 'career.'
The attempt must be all-out, not half-ass.
As a reult, my mime 'hunger' can only get 'relief' from Circus; Stage/T.V. required more that I gave; nobody told me this, though.
I approached a Mime/Clowning 'career' in a natural way, the only way I knew; I didn't deprive myself consciously.
And I may have 'blown it'
On the other hand, would something had been 'lost' by an academic, 'mapped-out' handlig of an artistic life? After all, there is no 'one way' that must be in order to pursue and bring forth a close relationship with the Muses.
'Success' with 'Art' is such a hap-hazard, Russian Roulette circumstance; in stead of analysising my 'botched' opportuities, I should consider my luck.
Of course, 'luck' just happens; it can't be dissected and broken down into theories.

(about 1:35 P.M.) I am past purgatory; now I must secure "Paradiso," the third part of Dante's "Comedy," to assure my complete 'salvaton.'
Speaking of salvation, what's the big deal? Organized religion makes the pathway so rocky and steep.
Bu one can attain 'it' without religion. In fact the journey is probably easier without the burden.
Religion does not let one travel ahead; leg irons and balls controll the ascent. And whoever goes ahead on their own is shot down and 'beaten.'
And away we go! (continued)




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