Timothy

say it

there comes a point where you just have to say "it", some times often. "it" comes in all shapes, sizes, connotations, allusions, sometimes on the periphery "it" lurks, and you have to wonder, is "it" for real. I wonder that all the time. maybe I wonder it too often. I doubt if I'll know anything for sure, about, well, anything until october. moving forward. I always hated that phrase and wanted to punch anyone in the head who said it to me. "Moving Forward".

I've literally threatened people with physical violence if they said it one more time, and I did in fact, slap my team lead when he said it thinking I was kidding. It shocked him, he got rather frightened, and ran from the conference room. He came back with our Project manager, all in all, I said "there was a giant wasp near his head. you have any video or witnesses?" they didn't for 2 weeks I jumped through hoops to escape that little thing, even called in my lawyer at one point, they simply let it off to a misunderstanding. But the next time he started an argument with me, and started saying "Going.." I stood up and glared at him, he shut up, swallowed and dismissed me from the monitoring station. It's condescending, and I don't brook it from morons and cowards of any stripe.

I was in the wrong. but if he'd said it, I'd have flattened him. I'd flatten anyone who said it to me in that sneering condescending manner. so I'm going to say, this, "it". I'm an asshole, but I wouldn't apologize for smacking him. ever, and I never did. do I regret it? yes and no, it's more complicated than that.

which comes to my salient point of saying "it". I don't know how I got here. I don't even recall who I am anymore. I know I've lost my way, and I can't quite seem to get back on track. 61 days before I get my ticket out of here, well, not "out" out, but, I'll be moving, to another place somewhere here, and well, we'll see what happens from there out. I just wish I had some modicum of control