Xin

How does one live life?
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2012-06-30 03:44:49 (UTC)

Outburst

Hey diary. This might get graphic. You've been warned.

Last night, right after I wrote my last diary entry, I was witness to something truly amazing. It was an emotion I never felt before. Being close to someone, yet never even have met the person. It's hard to describe, but nonetheless awesome.

So, had another sleepless night. Insomnia is really acting up. Plus, another nightmare. This time, it was really lucid. Took me about three hours to realize the stuff I dreamed of was an illusion. Worst...awakening...ever...

Went to some market with my mother. Walked the two dogs while we were at it. German Sheppard called Sam - man I love this dog - and a Doberman called Goa, super-kawaii by the way...
Kawaii means cute in Japanese. Just letting you know.

We got back, and I got greeted by my friends on skype. Then I got greeted by an internet outage. Took 3 minutes to reboot. Watched a movie called Pandorum at 11 PM or something. Internet acted up again, resulting in a fragmented movie, not a cool experience. I had already seen the movie, so no problem there.

Was chilling with one of my best friends on skype late at night, exchanging music. Was thinking about tripping out. Found the perfect song from a band I just found. Man I love it when you find that little pearl amidst a sea of shit; pardon my language. With a cold pint I chilled. Until suddenly the call dropped. Internet blacked out for 30 minutes. Now, if this had happened ANY other day, I would have been fine.

...but it had to happen on that fucking moment. Not any other, no. Truth been told, I don't even know why I'm so mad at the moment, but something just snapped. That relaxed feeling, and then it gets ripped away from you. Like giving a kid a toy, then crushing it in front of his eyes. I just felt a rage i haven't felt in years. The same rage I felt when I had my anger outbursts. It's awful. You don't feel pain, you don't feel anything except an urge to fight, an urge to scream. For my mother's sake, I tried to stay calm. I know how much she suffers under it. Don't get me wrong, I would never raise a hand at my mother, she just doesn't like violence and seeing me angry. It puts her in a state of disability, she can't do anything about the situation, and it hurts her.

You think that even ONE NOTION of this occurred to me? I'm so damn angry at myself I could fucking break a leg and not give a shit.
God. I just lost it. All that anger, all that helplessness over all those years in one blow. I fucking punched, I fucking shouted. I just fucking lost it. Took me 2 hours to calm down.
Afterwards, you are left with the aftermath. Worst part is, mother didn't even say a word. Didn't even intervene.

All those emotions surged back up. I just can't live with my decisions.
God, that fucking fateful night three years ago... I wish I could just take it back. The look in her eyes... it just broke my heart man. I consider myself tough, as in, you wont catch me crying anytime soon. But whenever I think of that moment, I just burst out in tears. That look... It still haunts me. It's like looking in a dark pond, and not seeing your reflection. Just...that absence of hope, that finality. THAT FUCKING FINALITY! My god, what have I done...

May you forgive me... I don't deserve such a good life...


Xin


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