How does one live life?
2012-06-28 04:51:06 (UTC)

Trials and Tribulations

Hey diary

Today was a day of emotions. It all started at 2 PM, when I got woken up by my mother. Classic textbook parent intervention. She said I needed to get a job because she was gonna cut my allowance. From now on, I have to earn every penny myself.
In a way, I knew this was coming. And I did not talk back when she lectured me. I know she is right. She asked me to wake up and go out.
I totally denied her that. I was sleepy as hell, unshaved and sweaty from this warm weather. I was in no condition to go out to look for a job. We agreed that I would look for a job the next day. (in other words, today).

Huh. Life can be hard, and I know it has only just begun. Man, when I went to school, that was easy back then. People told you what to do, and you just did it. Or not, be the rebel, in my case. It's only afterwards that you reap what you have sown. If only I had known back then... It's too late for that, too late to look back. There is nobody to blame except me. I'm starting to come to terms with it, but somewhere I believe a part of me will never accept it. Somewhere inside of me a part is screaming for me to redeem myself. STAND UP XIN, AND FIGHT! God I just want to scream on the top of my lungs sometimes.

And then it happens. That sparkle of hope, that bright light gets overwhelmed. Smothered by all the darkness inside of me. It rushes in like a predator would to its prey. It pounces, and the light is gone. I am left with this black, this unearthly feeling. Next, my emotions get corrupted, stained by feelings none should feel. Despair, hate, unbelief. I try to resist. Arrogance born out of ignorance. It crushes me with all its weight. How is one to survive this?

I close my eyes, anticipating what will happen next. I open them, and I no longer perceive the world as a normal human being. No, I do not transcend, I fall. I fall deep and long, until the helpless feeling is a fact. It is inescapable, all around. They say human life cannot fathom endlessness. We only know things that are final, and it is this finality that starts to appeal to me. Can I not just end this already?

Then that spark. That oh so tiny spark of light. A precursor to something greater, something beyond me. I see my brother's face. The light explodes with a force, and the darkness gets shattered. I owe it to him, my brother. Most importantly, I owe it to myself. Who will protect my brother if I am not around? Who will bury loved ones if I choose to skip the line? No. I cannot give up. This pain I experience every day is what makes me human. It is what keeps me alive. And every man and woman before me has felt this, and so will every man and woman that comes after me. Let us just call it the legacy of mankind. For in the face of even the gravest danger, or the darkest despair, we find that little spark that keeps us going. I must fight, for it is in my code.

My heart goes out for all the people that have lost that spark. May you be guided to safe havens by something else that drives you.

I'm out.


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