xoverthinker101x

My Thoughts Create My World
2012-06-26 19:06:34 (UTC)

It's called Frustration.

I'm frustrated.

You know, when plans are made, it's kind of a bummer that they can't work out.
You know, when you take an ACT and get the exact same result as before, it's kind of a bummer.
You know, when your mother says everything in the book to make you feel bad, it's kind of a bummer.
You know, when you have to dedicate your life to taking care of your mother, and drive her places, and do things for her every single day, and go through it day, by day, by day, it's kind of a bummer.

KIND OF A BUMMER.

Maybe I lack the patience I need to be able to be successful at everything that has been happening.

Maybe I lack being smart enough in order to get a better score. Maybe no matter how hard I try it won't happen. Why do I keep dreaming about something that is so far from my reach? Because I never truly lost hope. But right now, I'm fading pretty fast.

What about my boyfriend? Of course, a week ago, we were completely fine, and at ease. What happened? Nothing. Nothing happened. I just haven't seen him in a while, and I know that it sounds stupid that I'm frustrated. It's not that I'm frustated at him, or with him. I'm just frustrated the only escape I have from my house, to get away from all of the things that I dislike so much, doesn't even happen. You know what I mean?

I always think a text is from him, and it never is. Ever. It's always from a coach, or a friend. And though I love hearing from my friends, sometimes I wish there was something more out there from him. Does he really have nothing more to say to me, then to say "Want to hang out?" Does he really never think about me the way I seem to think about him?

I feel like I'm easily replaceable to him. One day I can't hang out, and he's completely busy that day, no big deal. Can't hang out the day, he subistuted it for, and still is busy. Everyday is a new adventure for him, and what happens with me? Nothing much here. Boring, taking care of my mom, getting held back because of her. The only break I have is to come to the library, and even then, she gives you quick, snide remarks in order to make you feel bad about it.

Way to go, you're a piece of crap, is what I get basically. Every single day, and every single thing that's happened has made me feel like I deserve everything that's been happening to me. And maybe I do. Who knows. Maybe I deserve an eye-opener and I'm just not learning from it.

I just get tired from it, I know my mother is too, but to make me feel bad about it, to restrict me from the world. It's frustrating. Everything about it. I want more escapes from the house. Way more than what I have. But I can't.

Could Friday come any faster? Probably not.

I hope everyone has had a splendid summer. Truly.




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