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2001-10-10 05:18:35 (UTC)

Wednesday, October 10th, 2001 (1202am)

I am feeling much better today. I have found myself
thinking about him less. He is very sick though and it got
me very worried. I wanted to make sure he was okay so I was
in and out of his room. I felt very uncomfortable though,
because he made me feel like I should not have been there.
I guess, however, that it is because he was drowsy and

I have so many things going on in my mind all at once. Last
night I chatted with Elijah for the first time in a long
time. Things have been cleared on the fact that we will not
wait for each other. I will live my life the way I want to
without feeling any pressure for what I have to do, and
what I should not be doing for him.

Either way, I would have done what I wanted. It's not about
the fact that he would never have to know about Justin. I
want him to know, that way he understand that I can go off
well without him. I wonder if I really have to prove this.
It's pathetic and childish!

I want to ask Justin if he wants to come along with me to
Missouri when I go visit Andy. I think it will be lots of
fun. :) But that would be rather dumb because there is
nothing going on with us. At least that's what I think.

I will keep the friendship even though he decides that
keeping away from a intimate relationship would be better.
Again, as I keep saying, it will be too selfish of him in
wanting to have sex and playing me physically. I do, on the
other hand, want to get physical. We can't do what we want
all the time. This is a good example. No sex before
marriage is what I have morally decided. Therefore, I will
not allow any guy to push me towards something I should not
and will not be doing.

On Saturday night, the US attacked the Taliban. We are
finally in war. Even though it is a big case, it still
hasn't reached skin deep. Mom is very worried about us. We
might not be able to fly back home if the situation gets

Our generation will have a hard time to deal with it. We
have only read about wars in history books and heard of
drastic events through the media. Direct contact to war hit
us hard when Osama bin Laden attacked the World Trade
Center and the Pentagon. (By the way, I am so glad it
happened after we left the place.) I am afraid things are
going to get worse. I don't want to leave the US.