John Doe

Chronicles of a Drifter
2012-06-24 03:25:36 (UTC)

entry 101

I can't sleep and it's 3:25 am. I'm still thinking about Jason. Which really sucks. I thought I was over him, but apparentally I am still head over heels for this guy. Well, I tripped on my heels, so I'm watching him from the ground. I am so bitter and angry towards him but at the same time I wish he would text or something. I am sad right now because I saw on facebook that he's been liking Kendal's stuff and that there shows me that just how I've been looking at his profile and scavengering around for stuff, he has too. Except on Kendal. And it's funny, because his girlfriend posts on his wall and stuff and he leaves it unliked and ignores it and yet he still goes to like Kendals things. It sort of reminds me though of my situation. I guess. I just wasn't good enough. I lost the game. You aren't supposed to give them attention I totally forgot but I threw in the net, when I should have been using the bait. Ugh fuck, I just want to let him have it, but I know I'm going to feel bad when I do. I don't really have no one to talk to about Jason because I'm so stubborn and don't want to tell peple anything. Though it sure would feel good. I don't know why but I take so much pride in keeping things in. People always say that its no good to keep things in because when they come out they're going to be 10 times stronger. And you can't hold them in forever. But I always assosiate that with weakness. Not being able to control your sadness and your emotions and not being able to contain yourself is like not having strength to me for some reason. Or maybe I'm waiting for that special person to let it all out with. That one person that I know will feel and empathize with what I'm relinquishing. They ain't around right now. But they are somewhere out there. I wastalking to sandy some nights ago and I came to the conclusion that I a jealous of Jason. Let me reexamine everything. Compare and contrast. Jason is: smart, wealthy..that's all I got now. I can't say he's kind because he's only fae kind. Jason is like me in this way though: he's not happy. And there's no specific reason for him to be unhappy. I mean, I got my reasons, but sometimes it feels like I don't have a reason either so I can relate but there's a big difference between this. Jason bitches abou his problems to girls and everyone gives him love and assure him that its going to be okay, and tell him that he's going to get better, and climb up the latter and make it to the top. They tell him that he's great and he's got it all. Me, on the other hand, don't bitch about my problems to people, and end up sitting alone at night in silence. No pity, like he gets, though it sure would be nice to get some. I always thought that pity and sympathy had such sweet flavours to them. I don't know much about what others think of it, but I like to be pitied, though for some reason, I NEVER let it happen. And that reason is because I also see pity as weakness. I am weak. But don't want to be seen as weak, yet I still do. Its confusing. Its very confusing I know. So you got this kid, Jason, who's got two loving parents, a little sister that loves him, a bunch of friends, girls on him, he's got money, he lives in a good neighborhood, with good neighbors, good people surrounding him, goes to church, and has some pretty normal things and hobbies in his life. And he decides he's not happy and people feel oh so sorry for him. Oh poor baby Jason. And then you got me. So distant with my parents they don't even know SHIT about me, 2 siblings that I have to take care of because the people around here are predators and I don't want them to get hurt like I do, a limited amount of friends, few girls on me ( though I don't really give a rats ass about women liking me, I don't need them.), struggling with money and finding work or just helping my dad with his work, living in a terrible neighborhood where people rob your things, talk shit to you, you see poverty from left to right, volence just around the corner, with neighbors that have leashes on my neck and blackmail, a church where I'm just a speck among everyone, and a bunch of abnormal and craziness in my life. Do I get people to feel sorry for me? Hell no!!! I wish I fucking did, little boy. I wish someone would acknwoledge that I go through shit. But noo. Nooo, no, no. I don't, and I don't let it happen. I will always toss pity to the side. No matter how tempted I am to accept it. The only person that I let pity me, is myself. That's wat makes me so angry. Now, let's compare our futures. Jason is going to join the military, which, hell sometimes you don't even need a fucking education to get into that. And jason, is apparentally straight, so he's going to go out and get married with a girl and have kids with her and STAY with her, I mean just look at his dad. And Jason has good grades so college is going to be a definite yes. He will probably be a mechanic and work on cars or even bigger and design cars, who knows. Bottom line is, Jason has a pretty bright future ahead of him, despite his teenage angst. Look at my future. I want to be a musician. I can't fucking read music. I can't play an instrument. So I might just have to settle for psychologist and live my life like a fucking zombie. I am a fucking faggooooooooot. I am not allowed to marry. I don't even know if they let same sex couples adopt kids. My grades are mediocre at best, so the big ol prestigious colleges that are around are a definite no. And my parents are going to be drama filled when I come out. My FAMILY is going to be fucking drama filled actually. Brawlio and Johnny are never going to be speak to me. My family is going to get rocked across the motherfcking boat. Does Jason have to deal with that? NOOO. His future is fucking bright and picture perfect. Mine is all red and...it looks like the entrance to hell. But I still try. And I try alone at that. I'm self teaching myself music through my phone and apps. I've made a couple of songs through this app that I have. And I'm starting to think, alone is the way to go. For now atleast. I keep thinking, maybe after high school I will find my dream dude around here. Someone that is here, not like my little affair with David. Someone tangible. But so then why, after all that I listed, and that horrible ugly picture that I painted of Jason, do I still love him? Why? Even I don't know the answer. Why is he still always in my head? Why can he make me so depressed? Why does he have the power to make me go against myself, and cut myself? He isn't even around, he never is, and the saddest thing is that he never was. I have been alone that whole time. And I refuse everyone elses company, if it isn't his. I hurt other people for him. I choose to be alone. And I want to be alone right now... I don't fucking care about anyone, cause nobody is Jason but him. I don't care, I don't care, I don't care. People should just go away. I wish I could go away )=<. I wish I could run off. Go and die somewhere soaking in my own tears. Yeah, I'm gonna cry like a baby when its my time to go. I've always been a real teary eyed one when it comes to my own death. I used to think I was going to die when I was in middle school because I thought that I had messed up my organs from masterbating too early? Yeah, I was weird as fuck, and really dumb. I guess I imagined stuff, but I felt my organs move around in me and I was convinced that one day, I just wouldn't wake up. I would listen to tourniquetby evanescence and pray every night. I would pray that things would be okay when I left and blabbady blah blah. The point is, as hilarious as that sounds, dying makes me sad. But even so, with the sorrow and the whole bundle, I accept it. Fuck Jason. You don't know how easy you got it. You don't know how wonderful your life is. I wish I could be you. I wish I could have what you have. You are beautiful. You are loved. But...your ungrateful. You want more. And this is just a taste though, you will get everything your heart desires. I know it. I know you will. It won't be the same for me. It already isn't, because if I did get everything that I ever asked for, I wouldn't be writing this. I wouldn't be up at 4 am with a bad case of insomnia and tears streaming down my eyes, I wouldn't be feeling like shit, I wouldn't be pushing people away, I wouldn't be wreckless and careless to others, and I would have you. If I got everything I asked for. Chances are I never will. I'm one of those people that is just going to have to settle for less, and get the leftovers. Ill probably even end up working for your fucking company branch. Isn't that awful? But guess what...NO FUCKING PITY! Nowhere in sight, except in my chest. You best believe I feel sorry for myself. I always do, especially when I look at you. Like I said, I isolated myself in hopes that you'd arrive and I wake up to dissapointment every goddamn day. Everytime that sun hits the sky. Everytime my eyes open. Everytime I become conscious. I wake up, and stare dissapointment right in the face. Life didn't treat me fair. Even though I played by the rules. I just want to be alone now...that's all I want. Why? I don't know...but when I talk to everyone, I always have to mask my depression. And I do such a great job of it because nobody suspects that I am miserable. And trust me, NOBODY. Everyone thinks I'm a happy camper. If only the knew. If only they could see me now. Its kind of funny how everyone thinks I have no problems and I'm all peachy. I'm sort of proud of myself, that just shows you how strong I am at bottling up my emotions. I am such a good actor, goddamn!!! Nobody seriously knows hahahahhahaa. Atleast, I accomplished one thing, disgusing my misery. Unlike you Jason, that asks for handouts. That needs hugs and wants advice and blah blah blaaaaaaah. I don't take anything from anyone, even if I might desperately just need to be held. I face my problems alone. Not like you. I am not like you. Its now 4:11. I took a long ass time writing this and I'm not even done. Jason just really hurt me. its not his fault, he isn't gay, he isn't gay. That's probably what people are thinking. But why, oh why, did he hve to make me believe it? He fcking played me, like a violin and now I can't stop thinking about it. Amanda told Jason I thought he was cute, he decided to talk and flirt with me, give me all these remarks, and just drop me. And now I'm all scarred up. Torn up inside. With no bandaids, or bandages. Why jason, what did I ever do to you? I was harmless, I didn even talk to you, I never wished you any wrong, I never wanted you to get hurt, why would you do this to me? I don't need you to be the center of my world, who knows where I would be right now if you hadn't had said those words to me. I could probably be sleeping soundly in my bed. And for what jason? Just so you could get attention? So you could feel like you were worth it, like you were attractive and even gay men wanted you. That shit stuck with me this whole time, till this day. I've been walking around, broken hearted, like a dead person, a fucking zombie, pretending like everything is peachy, with nobody to rely on but myself, and for what? For nothing but a couple of days of your ego getting stroked by my stupid kindness. By my dumb crush. You made me believe and it never went away. I still got the fucking faith no matter how much I don't want it. And I got the shitty end of the stick because I'm the one that's fighting in all directions. Screw you Jason...and even with those curses, I stand here with a big old place for you in my heart. A big old giant empty space, fit for your size.




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