Away from you..day 447
Ok, wow. I lost track of the date again. I thought it was the 7th or the 8th.. Anyways hey hun, I know that tomorrow is your 19th birthday :) I didn't forget. Honestly I've been keeping close track and my only wish is that I had some way of telling you that I didn't forget and that I loved you. Unfortunately for the both of us, I can't. You know, I've been listening to the recording you gave me every day, and it's really nice to hear that you love me, but the recording of your voice telling me that you love me is much different than you yourself telling me. The recorder is just something I can listen to. What I really want though is to at least hear a voice, specifically your voice either near me or on the phone because I want to hold a conversation and get a response with emotions and feelings.. right now if I start talking I get one of three responses. Either I get a weird look for talking when no one is there, a smart ass remark, or I get silence as a response. All of those get to me, but the worst... because that's when the world around me reflects just how alone and sad I am behind my barriers is the silence. The responses I get from people are easy because you can turn your hurt, frustration, or just pain in general into pure anger and just let it all out that way. I know it's not a good thing but sometimes it happens and I don't mean for it to... but you can't do that with the silence. You can't get angry when there isn't anyone there... I have to go to bed now, even though I don't want to because I want to wait till your arms are back around me..and so I can wait to have nightmares until, again, you are there to hold me and make it all ok... even though I don't want to, I guess the more time I hide away and sleep the quicker time will seem to pass until I'm back with you. So anyway, like I said, I'm going to bed. I miss you more each day and I love you with all my heart.