Inside the Mind of a Girl
2012-06-20 06:30:15 (UTC)

Day 1 - A fresh start

I started a diary on here a long time ago, and only had nine entries or something and forgot about it. Not because I was busy but simply because I didn't have a computer of my own and barely any privacy. I just now deleted those posts without even reading them, hoping it would be best to start fresh now that I have a laptop, and privacy, and motivation to write every night or few nights or so.

I tend to write a lot, because I also talk a lot, and I try to separate things out to make them easier to read for myself or others. I guess I could use this to write a whole thing about myself, not completely, but just some basics or things about me.

I love to write, I wish I could just sit down and write a book or two, but I don't know if that would go anywhere or if I'd have the ambition and motivation to finish it. I wouldn't even know what it would be about. I like to stay up late and watch movies or do things. I love long car rides, or road trips, or just riding around in a car. I like to paint my nails and do face masks with egg whites and lemons and do girly things. I love to brush my hair. I'm extremely jealous. I have a loving boyfriend who I am absolutely in love with, though sometimes I get very upset with him. I tend to rant a lot.

I'm extremely lovable and affectionate and clingy. I try not to be annoying. I'm very mature for my age because of my life, I was forced to grow up faster than I should have. I am very responsible. I love cats and snails and all animals. I have a very good sense of humor, I am constantly laughing. I'm extremely scared of vomit, ghosts, and aliens.

I can be extremely judgmental and critical of people, but I am also very open and usually don't judge unless there is a reason for me to. I dream very vividly and have nightmares and weird or frightening dreams almost every night. I have never not had a strange dream. I don't think it's normal for people above the age of like eight to have nightmares, especially as frequently as I do, but it's my subconscious not me so it's whatever.

I love art, I love to draw, I like to paint, but I'm not very good at it, nor do I practice. I seem to have very bad luck. Also I've been exposed to a lot of things that have made me grow up faster than normal people, and I've been through a lot that a lot of people haven't been through, at least not all the same things I've been through. And myself and my boyfriend and others are surprised by how normal and well rounded I came out. Most people would have some kind of problems or something wrong with them by the age of 19 but I somehow turned out okay. My boyfriend said there should be like a psychology study on me because of it, but we were just kidding. I'm not looking for pity, nor am I looking for any kind of concern. I'm just looking for a place to write what I feel when I feel and think it.
I love to plant flowers and food, I love to garden. I love soda, and I love to cook. I wish it was okay to be a house wife still, I would love to have a nice house and just have kids and clean and cook for my husband and take care of kids and go grocery shopping and stuff. I'm not sure what I want to do with my life yet, but who should at the age of 19? I'm not in college yet, even though I graduated last year. I honestly have no idea what I'm going to do. I have had such a strain of bad luck I don't even know what to do really with my situation or life.

Right now I'm living with my Aunt and my two cousins in Massachusetts. I was born and raised in Maine, and go there every few weeks or so to see my grandmother and my dad, sister, grandfather, and uncle. They all live in the same house. My mother moved to Indiana a few years ago to be with her soon-to-be-ex-husband. My Aunt lost her job in October, and hasn't had a chance to get a job in the same field as she was laid off from. She works in the defense department for the government. She works part-time at Macy's selling shoes, and it's barely enough to get by. I want to try to get a job but I've never had one. I've applied to various places and gotten nothing back. Also, I have no car or license and I have to go back and forth to Maine from Mass all the time.

My cousin Chris is gay and very homely. He has a lot of OCD and weird things about him, and doesn't ever leave the house, he just sits on his laptop all day playing games and doing dumb things. He doesn't eat new or normal food, and thinks he's the king of the house, even though hes like 21 and looks anorexic. He weighs like 100 pounds, and is so skinny he looks like a toothpick. He's always making rules for my cousin and I to follow and it's annoying. He will never get a job, he has too many social problems and bad people skills, and he's very very lazy and dependent on his mother. He dropped out of college because he can't be around people, he's ridiculous.

My cousin Ali is going to be 18 soon. She just graduated High School. She is not very smart, and she has a very bad attitude and isn't very attractive either. She is very touchy and can be a real bitch. She's kind of chubby, and I don't like her boyfriend. His name is also Chris. They just started dating a couple days ago. She hasn't had a boyfriend in like four years. She probably won't be able to get a job either, she sleeps too much. She's not going to college, at least not this year.

My sister's name is Sarah, she's kind of chubby, and was greatly affected by our troubles growing up. She's very very sensitive and emotional, and she is also very bitchy and has the worst attitude ever. We don't really get along at all. It's very rare we go a day without fighting when I am in Maine. She is 14.

My grandmother is very loving but she sometimes is angry with me over dumb things and gets mad at me when my sister and I fight. She plants things with me and takes me places. I love her very much. She loves to bake and cook all sorts of things. She loves Holidays like birthdays and Christmas and Halloween.

My grandfather is very loving as well, he would do anything for me. He buys me things and gives me money, and brings me anywhere I want to go. He likes to talk to me and he likes to do puzzles and make things out of wood, he loves tools. I love him very much as well.

My dad I'm not very close to and we have a very odd and sad history and I don't really know him that much. He annoys me a lot but not in the way a teenage girl "hates" her parents. There is too much to say about my dad, but he's never acted like a dad or done anything father-like and even less so to Sarah.

My uncle's name is Brian, he has spent a lot of money on Sarah and I I'm sure. He has cancer right now. Stage 4 of the throat and neck. He wasn't doing too good since I last was home a few weeks ago. He thinks he's been a good man all his life, but he can be an asshole, I can't do anything there without him questioning me or knowing whats going on, he's not my dad or mom, and he's not my grandparents, I don't believe anything he says really matters because he doesn't have any real authority over me. He's been a real jerk to a lot of people and has taken advantage of a lot of people during his life.

My mom is very flighty. She moves from man to man and seems to not care about anything other than herself. I have as much to say about my mom as my dad. It's all too much. She's had 2 husbands and like 6 boyfriends since I've been born, and she was almost married a 3ed time, and I'm sure she will be. Probably a 4th as well. Right now she's in Indiana, she's been there for 3 years, and she's barely spoken to my sister and I since she's left. She went there to be with her most recent husband, which she's going to be divorcing soon. She's coming to Maine at the end of the month, and I'll be seeing her for the first time in 3 years, my boyfriend, Ben, will be meeting her for the first time. It's almost like we'll both be meeting her, which is weird to think about.

I've already written so much, and I don't even know, haha. I always seem to write so much. I didn't tell you about Ben yet.

Benjamin is boyfriend. I love him so very much, I'd give up everything to be with him if I had to. I've been dating him a year and a half. Before him, I was dating someone named Spencer, I dated him for 4 years straight without a breakup or a break, and lived with him for 2 years. He started treating me badly, so I found Ben. I knew Ben for a couple years and barely talked to him, but we didn't know that we had a crush on each other from the moment we met. I met him only just barely a year into Spencer and I's relationship. Ben and I barely talked, but I often wondered about him, and wondered if I was living here if I would have been with him instead. 3 and a half years into Spencer and I's relationship Ben and I started talking more, and I realized how bad Spencer was treating me. I began cheating on Spencer with Ben. I cheated for 6 months and then Spencer found out and broke up with me. Shortly after, Ben asked me to be his girlfriend, which made me extremely happy because I was scared he just wanted me just to do things with, and I started to come to wonder if he was kind of just using me and didn't actually care. Spencer and I just started recently being friends again, but it's weird because he still has feelings for me, and wants to be with me. I love Ben, and I want to be with him. Spencer lost his chance. Anyway, more about Ben -- He's very kind, and he's generous but can be selfish. He's very forgetful, and easily manipulated by friends. He doesn't really stand up for himself. He's not very violent with people he should be, but he gets angry at things very quickly, but never towards me. I'm always the one picking fights with him, he never picks them with me, but it's because there's never anything for him to be upset with me, it's always him doing something wrong or making poor decisions. I don't know. We have a lot of things in common, a lot of strange things too, and we're both positive that we are soul mates.

I'll make more entries right now about what I look like and what Ben looks like and other things.

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