justmixedup

justmixedup
2012-06-12 22:14:37 (UTC)

Where to start....

You know, I've thought many times about how starting this diary. It's probably just going to be a jumble of thoughts but I figure it's a way to help me cope and just vent about everything.

I've had a rough year.....

My husband caught me cheating with someone he grew up with.
My husband pretended to be someone on a dating website that I was interested in meeting.
My husband caught me for the second time on a dating website.
My husband lost his job with the government so now we're fucked.
My husband was pleaded guilty to a criminal offense which lead to him lose his job. I honestly don't know if he plead guilty because he really was or was it to look out for our son in the future.
I thought about leaving my husband....multiple times.
My husband tells me he's a sex addict and is now going to SA meetings.
Now that he has no job and has been unable to find one in the last 6 months, he might have to go out west to work in the fall.

Im tired....Im tired of pretending everything is ok and we're going to make it. Because honestly, i don't know if we really will. I stay for now because of our son. He's 3. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. But I certainly don't love him like I used to be. I used to be so in love with him that I couldn't see straight. I just don't know if I love him enough to grow old with him in this uncertainy. I know I took the vow "in good times and in bad" but it's tough.

Im seriously scared. Im scared that Im going to have a mental breakdown. Im sad inside. Im "justmixedup". Some days I feel like Im on the end of my rope and ready to flip my trike. Somedays, I feel like nothing is wrong but most days I just want to sit down and cry and feel sorry for myself but Im scared if I do that, i'll never get up. Im scared that I'll cry a river and that will be the beginning of my breakdown and it will just spiral from there.

So I guess with that.....if you want to join my pity party, you're more than welcome. Just put your seatbelt on, it's a rough ride.
K




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