John Doe

Chronicles of a Drifter
2012-06-07 11:02:19 (UTC)

entry 95

Just got out of school. Sort of bummed. I have one of the worst consciences in the entire world. Its not that its I don't have a conscience, its that I have way too much of it. I will feel guilty for hurting anyone, so easily. Today, ain't a good day for sure. My mom was crying in the car this morning while driving us to school. Those tears aren't going to stop for a few months. And not completely even then. My mom needs to be with her mom. She has to be down there man to be by her side. It sucks that she came back right at that time. Me and Rosa just sat silently in the car. The last thing I told my mom when I left was just 'love you'. But that is not going to heal anything. Pfft. Oh grandma, please be okay. How can someone live without intestines though? They cut out a meter of it. I don't know where exactly. I'm guessing its the large intestine ? I don't know. But she has open wounds where they drain her for fecal matter. And she can't eat that much though she has too because she has diabetes. The diabetes really complicates things. I just don't know. I saw my cousin Aurora update her facebook status this morning, talking about miracles and prayers. Everyone is so worried. My cousin Brawlio looked dead. He spent a lot of time with her so..it must hit him hard. I can only imagine everyone over there. I was thinking about this last night. My mom told my dad that my grandma just wants to go home. Put myzelf in those shoes. Would I want to die in a hospital? No..id rather die on my couch. I feel really bad for her. :/. And today, Kendal was all bummed. This is the last day that me and Kendal will spend a class together. She's leaving schools. She was sad because of her grades and her life. She called herself a failure. She was crying because she thinks that she can't do anything right and that she fucks everything up. She called herself stupid. Kendal isn't stupid, she's very smart, she just doesn't apply herself to her full potential. She's not the best at science and math for sure but all the other subjects, I know she will do fine. She's scared about going to her new school too, despite the fact that she loves leaving saint anthony. Jason was sitting all close to us and it was really bugging me. I guess its because I know the motives. He wanted to be close to Kendal. Remembr how I was talking about my conscience? This is where it plays in. I feel bad because I was a jerk to him. He walked by us purposely and hit kendal with his big old fucking bag. And I yelled "DON'T BUMP HER!" And he left without saying a word. I feel really guilty now. I shouldn't have done that. Sandy is planning something and I'm encouraging it. I'm a bad person. I'm just so ..bitter towards this kid. Sandy is planning to crush his ego. She's trying to get him hard, tric him and say she's going to have sex with him and then laugh at his face and laugh at his weiner. Now that is AWFUL! But I say, do it. He deserves it )=<. Why though? Why? This whole journal is why. He's a fucking liar )=<. Was his lie really that big? Doesn't everyone lie? He lied to ME, that shows how much he cares about me. Well if he doesn't give a damn, he doesn't give a damn. Sigh...why fight myself man. See? That's another reason, he's making me turn against myself too. I'm an idiot. Sigh. I'm so glad. I'm so so glad that I won't have him in any classes next year. I used to be bummed. Now I'm glad. =) the summer will heal me, just like it always does. It cured me from my David crush, my Alex crush, and now its time for..my Jason crush to die. A years worth of pain. The summer works wonders. I hope I can dye my hair senior yr and keep it long. I'm thinking of..green. well, I know that when I go home today, I'm going to see my mom sobb. Won't comfort her. Can't. I just can't. She would just push me away anyway, I know my mom. I've tried before. She just told me to go. Whatever. I should just get to studying. One more day of school. One more. My Jr. Year will be over. And who knows, I might get lucky somehow. Some way. Tell me what surprises are in store for me.




Ad: