Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2013-08-07 04:31:56 (UTC)

the fragility of trees

I think I make too big a deal of things involving matters of the heart. mine specifically. others peripherally. I keep chasing after the unattainable, and I don't know if it's because I know on some subliminal level that it's safe. and I keep thinking eventually things will change and I'll somehow win over my paramours. I won't. It'll never happen. So, I've decided, I'm no longer trying. More out of a sense of self preservation, I'm really tired of being the doormat who allows himself to be trod upon at whim and whimsey simply because I'm always there.

It used to be fine. It's not anymore. I try to be upfront, forward with my affections and my attentions. I get barely a whisper of reciprocity. I really bring it on myself, I fall too easy, too hard. too often. I'm still waiting around for something to spark, I'm all worn out, I have little to give back. having a roommate who continually streams in and out with the dregs of the goth world, it gets tiresome with the comments on "just fuck the broken ones". I'm like. yeah, cause that's fulfilling. I don't do one night stands. Is it really so much to ask for? maybe