June 3, 2012
So the last few weeks have been rough. Many changes in my life, much of which may sound selfish but I am not happy about. We are having a baby. Stressful. Matt is happy, I am kind of happy, but often times am more disappointed I didn't have more time to just be me. I guess this is the selfish part. I wanted to vacation more and see things that I knew I wouldn't see once we had kids. I wanted to do other things that we could now afford, but kids just aren't part of or its not responsible to do when you have kids.
Most of all I just want to change jobs and with me being pregnant, this just doesn't work. First, who wants to hire a pregnant lady. Second, the cut in pay. Matt says occasionally it doesn't matter. But what matters is the boat and F-150 that he always talks about. I don't know many people that have over 30000$ in savings. Yes, my student loans are a lot but seriously, that is a lot of money.
Recently it was my birthday. The day of nothing. The best gift was from myself. Deciding not to make $650. As far as gifts, I got nothing. I was wished happy birthday. I knew it would come sooner or later. But I thought that would happen after I had kids and they were more important. Matt didn't even make an effort. Yeah he took the day off, but it killed him not to go fishing. I could see it all over. He kept saying, we can go shopping. Just what the 20 week pregnant girl wants to hear as she is in the I don't look pregnant but I do look fat stage. I don't even want to look at clothes. Will they fit in a couple months and even if they do, why spend all that money on clothes that I will wear for 4 months max.
I said I wanted a pair of Sperry's to replace my current ones. Size is on the ones in the closet, no need to really work. Nothing. Instead he said lets go shop for a Northface. That would have been nice if it wasn't 90 degress last week and if anyone carried it right now in the NE Ohio region. Whatever, I guess I said it once so it shows he listened once.
The other thing that bothers me, is that I always say things that supposedly never said according to Matt. I can't begin to describe how much it hurts to think holy shit am I always talking to a brick wall. But then I think Nope, the brick wall has to absorb more than my husband is. Everything I say is wacky or never said. Ok...... I guess I am constantly dreaming or I just am dilusional. He always said you probably said it to someone else. Honestly, I don't talk to many others. I don't have that many friends. And those that are my best friends have bigger problems or I would rather not bitch to them because I get to talk to them so rarely.
All I feel like I do is bitch anymore. I don't want to but then again I feel like I need to. I hate my job, not my profession, but my job. I hate being pregnant, I don't understand how women say they love it. And I hate my marriage. I love Matt and he says he loves me. But again, isn't love more than sex and saying you love someone. Isn't love making them feel or showing them that they are the most important thing to you.
I guess I am depressed. Not enough to say something to a doctor or at least one that just prescribes. I feel like I need a counselor. Someone to talk me through this. Someone to say this is normal or not normal. I just feel like although my family is a great support system. That they are not the correct system or who I need.
Honestly, my birthday weekend I saw the writing on the wall. Nothing special would be done, no gits, nothing from Matt. I kept saying to myself, I would settle for a DQ cake. Not even that. Not even ice cream. Nothing.
I was sick for 2 months with this baby and Matt never once went out of his way to make me feel more comfortable. Maybe he is ignorant to how to act but I feel like part of it is him being selfish. His life will change, but mine already has. He never has trouble sleeping bc he feels sick, he doesn't have all of his clothes becoming the wrong size. He doesn't have to stop his social life due to necessary life changes for the health of the baby. He doesn't even remember what those things are. He doesn't even care if he is there for the sex of the baby reveal. That i don't care about that much, but still?
I am beginning to lose that will to continue on. Not that I am suicidal, but more so that I just think. I hate my job, what if I became a stay at home mom and just never use my DDS. I hate my marriage or trying to make my marriage something it will never be, what if I got divorced. I hate being pregnant and thinking about how much life will change, what if I lost this baby. The sad twisted thing is the second part of all those thoughts seems to be more happy thoughts for me. But I am not that person. I am the person that wants to fit in the mold and make others happy or make others think I am happy or successful or what not. But I am not any of that. I feel like I am this dark shadow that is hidden from everyone else. And honestly, I want to scream, I want to changes, I want a change. I want everything to stop being as it is.
This all feels horrible to me. Because many girls would love to be married to someone like Matt. Many women would die to be pregnant but nature is not on their side. And some people would say that working for a jerk is better than no job at all or that I get paid very well. But I just have a hard time because I am not happy. I don't know if it is a chain reaction from one thing or another, but I just feel like I am done with everything.
Lets hope for better changes.
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