Eel

Is Anybody Out There?

i feel so alone in the fight against myself.
adrian, what the fuck.
so exposed.
i know the next time i see him i'm going to cry.
i want to avoid him now.
i mean, i love adrian.
but i feel like these secrets he's stolen from me are dear,
and could've learned them within time.
i feel like he doesn't want to be my best friend.
i feel like he doesn't want to talk to me at all,
i feel helpless.
i feel like everyone feels that way about me,
and i know he probably will stop reading these.
because it was purely coincidence.
i feel so naked around adrian.
and now,

i need his sweater more than ever.

he knows my dirty, dark, fucked-up past.
he knows who i like and who i hate.
i won't even be able to look him in the eye
and he promised he'd keep it a secret.
but it's not that that hurts me.

what hurts me the most is that i held adrian in high regards,
and i still do.
it's just that he'll never hold me that high.
i'm just a freshman that had nothing to do with him.
and even after stealing this shell away
he won't give his shell in return nor will he
give his time to know me anymore.

there are things not meant to happen.
i was so red and thinking he didn't read all of it.
but he did.

and somewhere, along those lines, i died inside. I feel like i have died inside. i want to die. i feel like i'm crawling to school in hopes that these secrets don't escape adrian. i could piss adrian off once and he has my life crushed in just a good one hand.

i can't look him in the eye. i feel trapped...i feel worthless. more worthless. the most worthless. guess,

guess i have to keep on smiling.