Wildheart

Rantings of a restless mind
2012-05-27 15:32:39 (UTC)

Much needed sleep

It is 3:30 in the morning... First of all I would like to give praise to my God,he has opened my eyes to my condition and is leading me back to right state of being!! Hallelujah!! I guess I will start with Friday morning; I awoke feeling very different... dead of emotion, there was no joy in my heart. I must have sat in my living room for about 2 hours just doing nothing... there were things that needed to be done but I just didn't want to do anything. I closed my eyes and prayed "Lord please help me, I need you right now, I don't know what's wrong but I know I need you!! I trust in you and I believe in your promises but I am in trouble right now and I need you like never before!! Please bring me some clarity!! I need a sign from you not because I don't believe but because I am blinded right now, my vision is clouded and I am dense in this discouragement. Please Please help me!!" Not even 5 mins later my phone rang and it was a friend of mine "R". I was supposed to write a letter for her regarding the department where I was fired and all the unethical practices going on there. ( I hadn't yet and really didn't feel right about it) She asked how I was and of course, I lied, saying I was doing great. (just like I have been telling everyone)I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was at home, so I told her I had to go into town so I would stop by. I went to her house and we talked for a good 2 hours. During that talk we discussed my situation and spirituality. She is a Council member in our tribe and she makes very good money and stated she wants to use that money to help her people when she can and offered to have me do some things around her house for gas money or whatever I might need. I was so thankful because I had absolutely no income coming in and had borrowed more than I had wanted to from my cousin. She then went on to tell me about the way God had been moving in her life... as she was talking I was moved to tears because God was speaking to me through her words and I began to see how I was slipping into a depression and was actually moving away from him. I also began to see how I was allowing bitterness and resentment to grow in my heart since being fired and it was all starting to affect me. I was giving him lip service, stating all the things I knew to be true but I didn't hold them in my heart. I was letting my circumstances blind my eyes to the truth I know about my God. He is all powerful and He will and already has delivered me from my situation, but I was not trusting in him and took my eyes off him even though I kept claiming I was faithful. I cried at how He was still so good to me even though I really did stop believing in Him. He had heard me and sent me to "R" and I felt my joy return mixed with my own foolishness for allowing the doubt and despair to creep into my heart. We also discussed other things and I left there with new hope and gratitude!! I fell in love with God again because he is so good to me and gave me exactly what I needed, my spirit was renewed!! We had agreed that I would return at 7 Saturday morning to do some work for her and she had given me a small advance as I was on E and needed gas. I then went to drop off a complete application to the Casino and went on to see another friend "S" who had also been a former employer. We had a very nice visit and he brought me lots of laughter and blessed me with more gas money. As I sat there talking with him I realized how God was always working in my life and opened my eyes to the fact that I have lots of family who are not blood related but are here for me and really do care. My heart was filled with a peace and a gratitude that I cannot describe. I returned home and spent a lot of time in thought. My kids had both spent the night elsewhere so I was able to get some much needed cleaning done and just gave thanks for what I have. I couldn't really sleep though and should have been here writing down all the things I had on my mind but I spent time on FB talking with a few friends and finally tried to sleep. It wasn't really restful but I rose and headed to "R"s house. To make a long story short I did different little duties, picked up my daughter and she helped me, while we talked with "R" about many things. She also gave me a new perspective on our Native traditions, which I had been confused on regarding where they fit into Christianity, as I was confused due to many things taught by man. I left there feeling much better about many things and when I got home I crashed so hard!! I remember the kids asking about dinner and I told them to just make what they wanted cuz I was beat!! I don't believe it was due to the work done but the mental and emotional exhaustion I had reached in my circumstances. So here I am awake, feeling renewed. I am looking forward to the coming days because I know my God has many things prepared for me and I will gratefully accept and receive them. I haven't talked to "G" in a few days, but I feel it was best because I didn't want to bring him down. I will close here because it is time for me to get alone with my creator and listen to what He wants to say to me and to tell him I am thankful. I hope never to withdraw from Him again, because there is no happiness without Him, just illusions that quickly fade. I am amazed at how we get things twisted...




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