Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2012-05-21 20:02:22 (UTC)

things left (un-said) un-finished

when my mother died, I had a little over 60k worth of debt (of which I hadn't included about $22k worth of student loan debt because I was trying to go through the rehab program), and apparently when I asked the trustee's to pay off my student loans back in 2009 along with the bulk of my other debts, they only paid off around $36k worth of it and none of my student loans. which has now come back to haunt me.

as of today, I have, $49,102.33 worth of debt, of which $33,802.17 is all Student Loans. I could go through and pay off the interest held by the federal government, but apparently I'm still in "bad" standing with rbc, which means, even if I go through the rehab program, I have to deal with over 9k worth of federal rbc loans. which I was told were written off. they were not. they were "hiding" as it were. which basically means I have to pay $7000 worth of federal loans, and another $17,000 of rbc, which I can't pay off. it hasn't been a good time for me the last few days. the other shoe dropped.

bankruptcy is the only viable option. though one of my friends thinks going back to school is a dumb idea, I discount him because he's content with life, which I think is poor, and he generally accepts life being a crap shoot. I do not. I have my ambitions, maybe I won't realize them all. maybe I'm too optimistic.

but I'll be damned if I won't try.

When I graduated from Red River college with my diploma in Marketing, I thought it was the best thing ever, when I tried to use it to get a better job than working in a comic book store or 7-11 (which incidentally got me my manager job at 19, but that was a clusterfuck in of itself), it really turned out to be pretty useless.

So when I opted to go to Applied Multi-Media, the course was $18k, lasted 16 months and promised to get me in on the ground floor at any number of places like CBC, Shaw News, and a couple of radio stations, I was excited, exuberant. Until 3 months in, the program was a major disappointment. I didn't go back to school til I was 23, and started on my "This is Not an Anthro Degree I promise Grandma!" Anthropology/Film degree (this was a time when the step grandmother wasn't the hell cow she became, and she like I, disdained my mothers archaeology/womens studies militant manifesto into my mid 20's) with a minor minor in Icelandic Studies.

Then I met kristen. and that, was the end of my 3.8gpa, which tanked to a 2.1 after 6 months, and then I got suspended from loans for failing an entire term, in which I was taking a Byzantium 300 level class, the 2nd go at 400 Greek and Roman Classical Mythology, 200 Icelandic Sagas in Translation, Japanese 100 and Film Noir 300 level. That was a brutal term. I then got suspended from getting student loans and I ended up defaulting on them a year later, which led to my taking 2 classes and paying for them myself at Carelton, the classes at Algonquin, the ethnology of china anthro class at U of Winnipeg and all the other crap I took everywhere across the country.

It's funny how things work out, one way or the other. I think I knew part of what I was informed about my loans this morning, but for whatever reason I pushed it, forgot it, dismissed it even from the "goal" which was ostensibly to get back into school. and I've been going so hard for so long to get it done, that I've missed parts. today that's changed. for all my talk of getting the "rehab" on my loans, it turns out, there was another massive portion I have had to have paid off before the national loans centre would even consider giving me loans again.

So. as much as I'd like to crucify the trustee's of my mothers estate, the blame for part of this lay with myself. hurrah. and by hurrah, I mean, fuck me with a chain saw. twice. in the face. with GUSTO!

In the end, I'm going to declare bankruptcy, I probably shouldn't. But I'm hoping it doesn't take too long to get it done, july I think would be preferable. it would give me a good buffer for when I re-apply for loans in 2016. The choice is, go to school in september taking 2 courses a term until I can reapply paying for it myself, or not go to school at all. Closing the door on my chapter of school and verse.

None of my classes with the exception of my Norse Mythology, Byzantium (2nd attempt in which I nailed a 93% but to wit I've forgotten everything about) and Classics classes count toward a future degree, it's been too long. So now I have to start from zero. Come hither in September, I'm going to take a crit writing course and a philosophy one, the road closed, a new door opens. it'll be an interesting ride. just not one I'm really looking forward to, too much.

c'est la vie

Well, a monumental running around this weekend I got the scooter running, new battery, new sparkplug, new gas, some flippant remarks about it being old, stodgy and not worth fixing, a few kicks, 2 or 3 lost bolts and it fired up and I took it for a spin. It's ALIVE! mwahahahaha. Now I just need neighbor guy to get me the paperwork for it and I'll be able to sell it, and get that cheap saab I've been eyeing on craigslist. But it'll be another week or so before I can sell it. blah

talked to a pair of trustee's for my upcoming bankruptcy, turns out, I may have borked myself in taking a class (which I never paid for, never went to, didn't realized I was enrolled in) at capilano, it seems if you are a part time student regardless of loans or not, the clock resets on you being able to declare bankruptcy. however, I supposedly owe Capilano $750 for the class I didn't know I was registered for (oh and got an F in), so they suggested I add them to my list of debtors so as to prove I wasn't in class, basically, it's a crapshoot with student loans if they'll oppose me doing it or not.

speaking of school. once I declare bankruptcy, I have to wait 3 years from the date of the end of my bankruptcy period. which means if I'm lucky, and can do it in august, means it'll be May of 2016 before I can get new loans. just in time for summer session of classes. I've been pondering this for so bloody long it's getting obnoxious. but the final stretch is coming. I can't not do it. school is too important for me, it always has been, but it's been a ridiculous struggle getting back to it. I know I'll make it work, somehow, sooner or later I hope.

it seems as if it's not one thing, it's a bloody other. bought a cheap iphone off craigslist, the fucker who sold it to me knew the battery was shot, so when I tried to charge it up, it never did, then my laptop burns out the dock on it trying to get power into it, that didn't go well. so now I have to find $80 to fix it. among other things I need to get done is my mountain bike is still sitting in my room, waiting for me to get $60 to take it to get a tune up, the brakes checked, a reflector put in and the chain tightened, but I haven't managed to do that yet.

blah! I hate waiting on crap, lawyer guy told me sunlife will give him an answer sometime around the 7th. yay. but, I'm going to bet it'll be a no go, I'd love it if it was a go, but with my luck lately, it'll be november before I see a dime. which brings me back full circle to the bankruptcy thing, which I can't do until after I've pulled out all the cash from the annuity. Limbo. Stuck. Me. sigh. I just want this crap to end.

speaking of endings. I've been contemplating moving again. I know. You've all told me a hundred times, haha. But, with things finally coming to a head, I'll have to wait 3 1/2 years before I can even go back to school full time, which means, taking part time classes, one or two a term getting the basic pre-req's I need so that when I do get new loans I can leap into my degree and kill it. well, you know what I mean. The debate is, here in vancouver, victoria, london, ottawa or montreal. it's about where it's cheapest to live, decent school. I think I may end up burning the Capilano bridge only because of thier ridiculous thing about not agreeing it was a mistake (and them saying basically, go fuck yourself to me), london has Western, ottawa has Carleton, Montreal has McGill, Victoria has Camosun and uVic (admittedly this is a weakest of choices, but the rents are better oddly than they are here).

so. choices, choices. always about the choices. wherever I land, whatever happens, this year ends all the gypsy meandering for at least a couple of years. maybe I'll stay here, I do like it, I don't mind the rain, all I really need is a girl who'll dance in it with me, like in winnipeg all those many many moons ago. strange how time flies. tempus fugit. manet amor.