The Secret Life Of The American Teenager
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2012-05-21 07:12:24 (UTC)

two years later!

welppp im not a sophmore anymore and reading back on my last and only entry my problems were a whole lot better then. a lots changed since then i graduated in june 2011 and immedietly moved out of my parents house and into my friends house. i spend the whole summer partying and well ill admit making mistakes or what i like to call memories. my outlook on life changed i have chosen to surround mysef with people who treat me the way i deserve to be treated. since i last blogged i became addicted to drugs and then recovere. moving into that house with my friend steph was the worst idea ever. we were two teenagers with a whole house that we owned to ourself with no supervision. can you say party central. it was a good time and i met some amazing people but looking back now my life was a mess. i now am a manager at papa johns, i have an incredible boyfriend which i now live with and is my whole world, im reconecting with my old friends and plan to go to college in the fall! pretty much everything is perfect except one big thing. i just recently had an abortion. an abortion that i didnt wanna have. i wanted that baby so bad and i would have been a wonderful mother! but everyone around me poisioned my excitement for his baby. i could bring a baby into a world where nobody that its mother loved wanted it. when i got the abortion all i had to think was that im doing it out of love but its just hard to think that. some days i cant even find the strength to get out of bed. every single day i wonder if i would be showing and if it would be a he or she and it kills me to know that i will never know what my first child looked like or the great person tht he or she couldve been. it was the biggest mistake of my life and i regret it everyday. nobody knows this but i tried to kill myself because of it. there was just a day where i wanted to hold my baby so bad i couldnt do it anymore but i couldnt leave branden hes my other baby. my boyfriend. my whole world. and even though hes the reason i got the abortion that just shows how much i love him. i cling to him a lot but thats because i feel like hes the only person in this world who accepts me if he accepts me even i have my days where i feel completey alone and he doesnt even want me but i love him everything i do is for him he keeps me going. sometimes i just wish he would make me feel like i kept him going. i dont feel like he needs me i just feel like sometimes he keeps me around just cause i guess i just need him to open up to me more often and remind me that he does love and need me and remind me im beautiful and a strong amazing woman, maybe i wouldnt cling and be so pushy to him as much. i cling and be pushy and beg for attention because if i dont he wouldnt give it to me at all. but i would give up all that to have my baby back in my belly growing into a beautiful boy or girl. that stupid day replays in my head over and over again everyday