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2012-05-21 04:20:38 (UTC)

First Entry of zakthegay...

Well, I thought I would start a new Journal entry thing online... Don't know if this is the best thing to do but I figure its a way to express my feelings and hope to get some feedback from people on their opinions n stuff..

I am gay, 27 years old and Live in Maine...My mother passed when i was 11...I'm male.. don't go to bars, kinda inside a lot, trying to get out more... Never really had a fun filled child hood like most kids i knew while growing up...I have a mild case of cerebral palsy but can walk n stuff just not perfectly... can run an do all sorts of normal guy stuff.

Iv had few relationships in my life, in fact only one real one that lasted 2 years and he and I bought a house together but we drifted apart... and It was discussed that my boyfriend at the time should split up to make all easier... and it did..

the reason as to why we had to break up is... i went to jail for 9 months, well, did 7 months... then probation for 2 years and finally finished and now am free.... kinda.

Im just so lonely and single and hate it... so bad I get to tears mostly every night and I don't know what to do anymore with my life.. I seriously dont know what to do.. no direction, no plans, no goals, no cares... I dont care about anything anymore...

I want someone to love and be my partner... so much it hurts seeing people in a relationship, straight and gay. No one here seems to want to give me a chance... I am not the perfect looking guy nor am i the worst. Im avg build, little extra weight because of the obvious, no one will give me attention so i go to food, it never lies.

I just want to be loved, cuddled, held and told that everything will be alright...

How hard is it to find someone being gay? I watched many people who I know that are in relationships now... and they are still happy, this is years passing... how can they find someone and I cant?

Im not willing this to happen or forcing it... but, seriously why does life have to suck so much? Why am I alive in this horrible state now? I wish i had a working cam so i could record this and show the emotions I have.. I am writing this coming close to tears many times, if i did express this verbally I probably would be crying. And, I am not one to cry much at all..

Any comments are welcomed..

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