Imperfectum Puella

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2012-05-20 12:30:07 (UTC)

The guy who got under my skin - II

20 May 2012.

Quite a flow I had y'day.
So, this guy, a certain Mr. S, this git of a person, yeah, him.
Last night I must've been in a bad state, writing so much about him. Partly because I missed him, them actually, both P and S, since I had noone to talk to after Da and his usual emotional madness and frustration that follows after talking to him. P and S used to dilute the tension. The pressure of qualifying and the expectations he has from me are just overwhelming and I needed someone to talk to. Pa was as always supportive and H, well H, talking to him did not help. Sometimes I really hate the fact that this person I'm seeing is a mature chap who knows stuff. Sometimes all you need is someone to abuse alongwith you even if you are wrong. But then, that is one of the main reasons why I ever fell for him. Succha screwed up life I have. He must've known something is wrong. He always does. He is real perceptive and knows me quite well for a person who has met me just once and has been chatting since a year and a half. Its like, you meet someone at some random store, exchange email ids and the next time you meet after 2 years or something, you're meeting as well.. Their girlfriend(argh! i hate being called anyone's gf). So, he texted.
Enough of H. He needs another post. :P
Off to S now!

Around the 3rd sem, we were a close knit group. Me, Ry, P, S, D, A and Z. Me, A, P and S were always together. I have a feeling Z became quite jealous of that. She literally created a scene every freaking day. Yes, that is the only explanation why a person who was so close to me suddenly turned into a bitch. Since then, I stopped. And that is just me. You take one step and hurt me in the right place and I go all the way back to when you were just a stranger and I maintain that. Once I have a fall-out, I cannot reconcile. I find it fake. Since that day, I have kind of hated Z. She is perfectly happy now. She has P and S. And A. Of course I have A too. But yeah. Its kindof hipocritical of her to expect others to hate P and S when they were rude to her but expect me to 'understand that they are just a bunch of sensitive guys'' and that I'm being stupid. I just hope she stops before I start being the bitch. Because I really can do it. Bah! Who am I kidding. I cannot. Never have. Never will be able to. I'll be the same. I'll run back to my room, cry my heart out and go out again smiling like I just won a frigging lottery.
Enough of Z. Long time ago, I decide she is not worth it. I'm going to stick to that.

I remember the day we had our CLP. I was not exactly in the best of my health and now that I think about it, we had a bit of a ignore the other going on. After the presentation, we sat in the canteen. And then we walked. It was nice. I used to make lil diary notes in my mobile. This is about S-
11.20. 2011.
That day was perfect. The two hours. That night, I slept with a smile on my face. It was like a movie, minus the great costumes and the music, of course. But then, movies end, so will this. Let me enjoy what we have now. The happiness, the desperation, the sadness, the butterflies, the regret, the ecstacy, the smell of it all, you. Because just like it is with movies, it'll end and only to give way to a new one. I really don't know if we are possible or not, and frankly I'm so tired of thinking about it that now I don't care. But for now I am going to let the future take its course, Aunt Fate may act on her own sweet will and for all I know, we might actually end up the 'happily-ever-afters'. You are not a crush, definitely not a boyfriend, infact, you are just a friend, who happens to give me beautiful moments, rare, but worth the wait. Fact is, I am not going to let the past or the future come in way of enjoying the present because at this very moment, it is all I got. And all I have to do, is grasp the beauty of it all, like I'm living a movie, this movie, our movie.

Later in december/january-
It was with all the attitude that I could muster, that I had said those words to myself as I looked at you, 'and this my dear, is what we call the closure'. Little had I known that just like Rachel was only kidding herself into believing this, so was I. Or maybe I was not. Arn't you supposed to really get over someone after the closure? Arn't you supposed to not care if he is not online? Arn't you supposed to not get frustrated if he doesn't initiate the convo and getdoubly frustrated if he does? Arn't you supposed to finally get over him?It has been around 9 days since we've talked, not counting the incident. And now that I am less of an emotionally volatile bear after scribbling off one of the many things going on in my life, now that I am sitting here, in this crowded hell of a place, with people talking bullshit, as I think of us, I really do not feel any of the previous frustration at your behaviour or dissapointment in what has become of us, afterall, we were just friends, very close, still, just. Nothing more, nothing less.yes, we talked for hours, even though it usually was useless banter, but I did sleep with a smile every night and something told me, you were glad too. It was kinda beautiful, you know. The great thing we had, I could mind read you, without having to look at you, and at times, when I was really really down, though you never could make me feel better, the fact that you cared, did the job. And all this never failed to make me start thinking. No, not thinking, overthinking, the way girls do, actually no, not all girls, some of them, the really stupid ones, like me.Anyways, back to where I am now. I am at peace. Yes, in this fishmarket, with weird creepy people staring at me while I write this(this might have something to do with the fact that we're not allowed to use mobile phones inside the court, but I'm me.. Rules do not exist for me. I am going to be a crappy lawyer, for sure. Jeez, I'm talking shit again! I should stop. I really should. OKAY! STOP! Phew.) anyways, so the point is, I am at peace.The fact that I'm unusually good at bullshitting today proves this. And the reason behind(the peace I meant) is, you. I have realised that all this drama was hyped. You really are just a friend. And everytime I was pissed, it was coz I thought I'm going to lose a good friend.Question answered. Problem solved. The end.1 Month later- Its still the same. And I don't even care. Maybe its because of H. Maybe its because there neverwas anything.I don't know how much time later- Just came to know about H. And I get the feeling you did not like it. You're sad and you won't say why. But then again, you're moody. Its just you. The usual you. But it did get me to thinking on the forbidden lines of what if. I mean, I really am happy with H, but had it been you, it would've been crazy. I should not think about it, I guess. You can't really lose or foe that matter miss, what was never yours to have be with.

As for the current situation, next post!