Phillip Wilson

Amazingly, I survived my Life
2011-09-15 00:00:07 (UTC)

1984 REVIEW (PART SEVEN)

22-25 Movember, Childersburg/Hoover/Birmingham, Al. (continues)

Yesterday was a rather cool, sunny day, a beautiful autumn day. Mary, Steve, Jesse, and I was hiking at Ruffner Nature Trail.
Mitzi and Suzi and the same; older, though. Mitzi is 10 years old this month.
Dogs are not allowed in Ruffner.
I gave Jesse his birthday present Thursday night when we got to this Eastlake house. He was 3 years old the last of October.
I showed Mary and Steve the photographiuc retrospect of my career, and the drawing of me, Thursday night.
Steve and I stayed up to about 1:15 Friday morning talking.
This is a bigger house than the Homewood one.
And this is a vacation?

(25th, About 8:37 A.M.) A beautiful, sunny, cool autumn day.
I have been sleeping the best I have ever at the Holt Hotel, either of the Birmingham area locations. Why is this?
Mary, Steve, and I went to see AMADEUS, the new movie about Wolfgang Mozart, yesterday afternoon, at a Hover Six Cinema. Since it was a 2:00 matinee, the ticket cost was only $2.00.
AMADRUS seem to have brought out that Mozart was an incarnation of God, the not only Jesus, Moses, Mohammed, were God's messengers. It wasn't really biography, even though the film was based on history.
Technically, the movie excelled by making he 'star,' the subject of the film, and not any of players, who were not name connercial stars. It was a team project, and not a vehicle for one person.
I will advance intellectualy, spiritually, and artisticly, but my speech will never improved. Will this flustration lead to a harsh action? How long can I live with my handicap?
And has it contributed to my slow development?

26-27 November (Monday-Tuesday)), Birmingham/Childersburg, Al.

(26th, About 2:03 P.M.) I am presently at the Trailways Bus Terminal, awaiting a 3:15 bus that will take me back to Childerburg. Since I will be coming back to Birmingham Thursday morning, I purchased a round-trip tickert for $11.40. The Childersburg-Birmingham fare has increased!
I rode with Mary to a U.A.B. Parking Deck this morning, arriving around 8:00 A.M. After a hike to the bus station, where I rented a locker for 50 cents and stored my backpack and briefcase, I headed for Sears, 10th Street and 2nd Avenue, N., for a present for David (his birthday is tomorrow) I had to wait about a half-hour for the 10:00 A.M. opening.
I found something that, I felt, would be of interest to David, but the clerk would not take a Traveler's Cheque. So I left and hunted a bank.
On 20th Street and 2nd Ave., N., I was able to cash a Treveler's Cheque at a Jefferson Federal (?).
But it was at Pizitz, across the street, that I purchased a puzzle of the United States, on wood, with the World on the reverse; the cost was $5.99 and tax.
Before I went sopping for a gift, I took an overdue library book back that Steve had forgot to return yesterday when Mary, Jesse, he, and I visited the Birmingham Public Library. The book, on bird-watching, was due in Saturday, so I paid 10 cents in fine for 2 days overdue.
Incidently, the new addition to the library (at the moment, the old part is closed) is very nice, something which the ciy of Birmingham can take great pride in. It is organized, roomy, and has a good enviroment.
After a Double Cheezeburger-small Pepsi lunch at the Burger King at the Greyhound Bus Station, I headed towards the Goodwill Industries Thrift Store on 26th Street, North. I didn't buy anything, but there were a lot of books I wanted. I decided to save my money, though; besides, there are a lot of reading that I need to do to catch up with what I added to my library, already.
From Mr. Burch Formalwear, at 2420 First Avenue North, I purchased a used Black Tails ooat for $50 and tax (3.50)! I went 'on a lark,' to the store after having looked around the Rogers Army-Navy Store across the street on 24th Street. I really got a good deal. The Tails are 41-Long (I wear 38-Long), but with all the movement I do when I perform, a 41 won't be too big. And the clerk took 6 Traveler's Cheques.
Can I afford a new Tails Coats? I hope I soon get a job, where it will pay off!
I checked another Formal shop, on 2nd Ave., S., and 22nd (?) Street, and, indeed, I got a deal!
For arond $30, there is a set of 3 juggling clubs at Trick 'n Treats, a Magic-novelty store on 5th Ave. N, and 22nd Street. But juggling is a secondary skill to Mime, although I hope to be able to buy these clubs, which are very nice ones.
It is a beautiful, sunny, warm autumn day at present. My 'spirits' are 'high' at the moment, but when I get back to the reality of unemployment and an unsure job market, I will be in the 'dumps' again.

(27th, 3:45 P.M.) It is rainy at present. The entire day has been wet and miserable, yet warm.
I arrived back to Childersburg around 4:15 P.M. yesterday.
I made 3 long-distance telephone calls this morning. I phoned both offices of Big Apple Circus; the second place, the one where Paul Binder, Producer-Ringmaster, was, was amswered by a female. Paul Binder was no where around at that moment, even though he had been there. She wrote down (?) my name and number, and a brief messege of my business, and told me that Mr. Binder would be informed.
Although I would like a clownship with this show (or is it another Circus Vargas?), I am trying to get my videocassette back. It is the only copy of the Dance Parod I have.
As of this writing, Mr. Binder has not returned my call. Has he any attention in doing so?
I also called the Dance Program of the National Endowment for the Arts in Washington, concerning a <a style="border-bottom:2px solid;" id="intext_link_9022193" href="#82269" rev="0" rel="ASoCdVpqVW0MK1EmBjkCdFJqCiAFNggrAHJQawNpDzhQdlBsASkGMltqUz1QIgUtVStcNwVgWDAEYV5rBF0EIwEjAjtaI1UyDHBROQYiAnJSfgo4BVAIJgBaUCEDYw84UGVQYQF0Bi1bZFM/UGkFZVVqXDgFZVg6BGleLgRhBDkBPAILWi5Vegw3USIGIwJqUnoKLAV8CGEAdlAxA24POFB5UDgBLgY6W2JTflAxBTZVOlxtBTVYaQQvXjcELwRkAWECZlozVTkMYlFgBmICN1I7CjEFPQg8ADdQOAM8D21QMVA2AWMGb1s8U2JQMgU0VT5cZAU WGEEJF5hBGQEMAEYAhNaPFU5DGVRYgZvAj9SPgokBX8IYABiUDMDNw9lUCZQbAE BmZbSVMVUFAFd1VIXDIFalgPBEFeNwQkBCUBOAIjWmRVYAw9USIGIgI7Un0KYwV4CGwAalBiA2wPKVBlUHEBPwY3W2BTJVBpBXJVYFw7BWJYKgR7XnMEdgQzATwCJFovVWsMPVE8BnQCKlIsCnIFeQhrACRQNAMnDydQalB0ASAGNVtvUzhQbgVlVXhcLgV2WC0EZ15tBHAEdAF9AnVadFVmDDtRJQZ0AjxSLAprBWIIfQBjUHYDcQ9/UH0=" class="intext_ad_1341635247" onclick="return(false);">Television</a> Dance Series. I inferred from the announcement, part of a larger data sheet that arrived by post while I was in Birmingham, that dance and Mime acts could 'apply' for a segment or spot on the Showcase. But I was informed this morning that a grant has already been awarded for this program. I don't understand why an announcement was made of the Dance Television Series in a newsletter dated November 21, 1984, if grants have already been awarded for it, and everything has all been arranged!
No matter how hard I try, I can't plan or book an outlet; somehow, an outlet draws me to it without my knowledge or will, and I am able to 'shine.' Why in the world can't I get jobs the usual way? Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life (career in MIme) having to rely on 'Opportunity' to establish me a vehicle? Will I never be able to make a business of my performing service? It seems the more I try the worse it gets. If I just 'flow with the tide' and take it one day at a time, great things are mine.
But can I live like that? As long as I am in the field of Mime, I guess I will be a pawn in the 'hand' of some un-seen 'force'; this 'Force'is my agent. And it is as if it will not allow any human effort to invade its domain!
I am a slave to it as long as I insist on being a Mime. Will I ever be able to break loose and escape?
The 'Force'-agent uses, on mst occassions, human help. Mariah Skinner may be such an incarnation. I received a post card - she and Bob Bones are camping near Dallas - stating that the T.V.production at Disney will begin after Thanksgiving, and the Dance Parody may be used. So maybe that is my next outlet!
One thing about it - I will never be weathy doing what I am 'told' to do!
I am at a loss as to what to do! I must get my videocssette back!!!

(about 7:40 P.M.) After writing the above, I am in the state of mind that I am something special, that my special, unique talent will always find an outlet, that God has chosen me as a physical manifestation of His power!
I guess I am really cracking up! I am living a delusion to escape the hard cold fact of the realities of the entertanment world.
If I keep it up, I will go "over the edge," all the way. How can I cure myself? Whenever I think I have "it together," I became involved in a Mime project that turns into a fantastic showcase for me.
Should I turn down any jobs that would re-enforce my delusions?
I ejaculated this morning.

28 November-10 December, Childersburg/Birmingham, Al.

(28th, About 4:14 P.M.) A sunny, but very cool day.
All day it has been on my mind that my life is not my own; it is controlled by Mime. It is as if I am floating in air, and Outlets reach out and grab me. I have no control.
Maybe I am the representative of my blood family in the art world.
I will not attain Fame by 'busting ass' for it; it will have to choose me.
I ejaculated this afternoon.
Will I ever have a relationship with a female, any more? Or does the 'Mime Force' require celebacy?
There is so much I need to purchase, but without a firm committment, can I afford to buy?
I really want those juggling clubs from the Birmingham Magic, make-up, and novelty shop! I may spend the approx. $31 for them, and forget I shouldn't!
Paul Binder, of the Big Apple Circus, did not call me today. Maybe a letter will cause him to respond.
Tomorrow and Friday ae my first Post-Carson and Barnes Circus Experiment appearances. I will begin the developing of a new 'show.' I hope I can get a job, even a non-performing one away from the 'business.' I need money!

(30th, About 8:04 A.M.) It is an overcast, cold day. I will meet Mama and Joyce in front of Rich's of Brookwood Village arond 10:15 this morning. They are coming to Birmingham to view Norma Davis - she died around 7:00 P.M. Wednesday night - at the Elmwood Cemetery Funeral Home, and will rerturn to Childersburg around 10:15 A.M.
It is hard to believe Norma is gone. I have known her for long. She was always jovial and easy-going.
But at least her suffering is over. She is at 'peace' (whatever this is!).
The 'show' yesterday went o'Kay. The crowd was biggest from about 6:30 to 7:30. The South Exhibition Hall isn't that big of a place, so a large crowd would have been cramped.
The 'act' I did was the one developed during this last tour. It really don't play all that great at a small place. There were good responce and reacton to it, but I didn't feel "one" with the enviroment.
This is my meglomaia coming out; I felt my talents too good for a small-time Birmingham Festival. And it was put on by amateurs. Emotionally, I felt as if I was degrading myself. It was all my fault, but I was at an emotional and spiritual distance from this Festival of Trees.
My weakness - I should be able to get 'up' for performing anywhere.
I had arranged to appear last night and tonight at the festival. But a place to stay at night poses a problem. I was hoping that since I was giving my time, that I would be given a ride to East Lake. I did ask one of the women in charge, but "everyone is going the other direction," I was told.
The Granada Hotel would not take a Traveler's Cheque. And I had missed a Trailways bus to Childersbutg by about 15 minutes.
A cab driver was kind enough to take me to East Lake for $6. And Steve came for me at Hudson Gas Station, across from Roebuck Shopping Center, where the taxi 'dropped' me off, after an unseccessful attempt to find the Holt house on 9th Court Circle, South (8720).
There was no one home at Holts when I phoned about 8:45 P.M., so I resigned myself to being stranded in Birmingham. But after the 'rejection' from the Granada Hotel, I went back to my base at the Trailways bus station, and made a 'reservation,' since, fortunately, Mary and Steve were home.
It was around 9:45 P.M. when I finally got to the house.
My 'show' lasted from about 4:10 P.M. until around 8:10 P.M., with about 1/2 hour taken in 3 breaks. I will not appear tonight. I don't need the hazzle to prove mself.
Besides, I need more off-time.

(about 3:08 P.M.) (Childersburg) It has been over 4 years since I have 'quit' smoking, and I think I have finally given up cigarettes. If I can refrain from the security of smoking while on a Birmingham business trip, I think I can survive the rest of my life without cigarettes. It must be taken one day at a time, like drying-up alcoholics or drug addicts do.
Joyce and Mama came by Rich's around 10:30 A.M. Since it was raining, I was waiting under the parkig deck, and they drove past. But I met them by the side entrance.
I had practice club juggling (see below) for about 15 minutes by a Helicopter pad, in a small grassy area away from the mall. But with the rain, I went inside.
It rained until abot 1:30 P.M., at times, hard.
The performance yesterday was constructive and educational; I discovered 'new' movements and actions.
If only I could receive hospitality from sponsors I could do more benefits, but no more will I spend my fastly-dwindling money to perforrm, when I don't have to prove myself to anyone, not even to me.
I did it! I purchased the 3-club juggling set from Tricks 'N Treats for $32.05. It really can't be helped - my act and talents can't be controlled by money!
I practiced jugging from about 1:55-2:35 P.M. yesterday afternoon, before heading for the "theatre" (I reported in around 3:10 P.M.).
It was around 9:40 A.M. yesaterday when I arrived at the Birmingham Trailways Bus Station. After locking up my baggage, I headed to Jim Clay Optical at 924 South 18th Street. Heer I got a left nose piece put back on my glasses, and the bows secured tighter (screws). This cost 3.21.
From "Kaleidoscope," the U.A.B. student newspaper, I learned of 2 medical-related studies that was hiring 'guinea pigs." So I called about them. I will explained more later, but the 2 experiments are concerning Cerebral Blood flow, and nutrition. The nutrition study won't be until January; The ceregral blood flow testing will be whenever the machine is fixed.
Both pay.
I got some addresses from the Public Library.
Steve came for me when I got to Hudson Service Station last night. It was difficult to explain how to get to his house from that point.
I am not going to worry about my next outlet for Mime. It does no good - the "chance" will come when it wants to. And from past experiece, what it provides becomes a fantastic vehicle for me.
Mama had called Steve yesterday and asked him to have me call, if he saw or heard from me, concerning one of the dogs. So I called last night; she wanted to know if Luci have stepped on something, or if I had dropped a juggling ball on he back left foot. I knew of nothing; Mma said that Luci screamed twice and "complained" about the pain.
But a vet's examination this morning found it sprained at the knee.

(1st, About 4:40 P.M.) It was a beautiful, warm autumn day. This morning, early, and last night were very foggy, though a portent (in most cases) of warm weather.
I took advantage of the great day to practice club juggling.
I checked out "The Grapes of Wrath" by John Steinbeck, fron the Childersburg library this morning. This is a novel of the Dust Bowl era of the '30's. I have seen "suggesations" that I should read the book, since I have been off the 'road.' So I guess I will use this vacation time to do so.
Alabama beat Auburn, in the classic football game toaday, 17-15, if it is of any interest to anyone.
I guess I should cease to blame David for my career situation, and take advantage of my station as an uncle that has much time to 'play' "father." I will never regret building a close relationship with David, and the emotional and spiritual gains will help my act.
I should be honored that he wants to be with me!

(4th, About 6:55 A.M.) A cold morning. It rain heavily Sunday, and yesterday was Sunny and rather cool.
I sent a handwritten letter - my typewriter is messing up - to Carson and Barnes Circus Sunday night concening the route book the I paid for but have not receoved yet. It was mailed yesterday.
I hand-wrote" a letter to the Big Apple Circus last night "reminding" them of the videocassettte I sent them in September. Since it has not been returned to me, I hope this mean it is still being judged and talked about; and not lost. Should it take 2 1/2 months for a critique of this 'work'?
I will sent this letter off this afternoon. I just hope the videocassette hasn't been lost.
Reading, practicing juggling, keeping in 'shape,' building a gate, playing my recorder (flute) - my 'vacation is very busy and 'full-up.'

(6th, About 6:43 A.M.) A cold morning, in the low 20 degrees F. It has been cold the past 2-3 days, although the sun was 'out' yesterday.
Tendenitis has been in my left knee; there is still traces there. So I have avoided any direct exercise of that leg. Otherwise, I try to 'work-out,' if nothing else, 'conducting' classical music broadcast on WBHM-Public Radio out of Birmingham, at least 30 minutes a day. I got to keep what I developed this past tour.
And I continue to wait for an assignment. I don't guess it will be the Big Apple Christmas show.
My main "occupation" during this 'break' is reading - I have a literary 'schedule' that, so far, is up-to-date.

(about 5:03 P.M.) It almost got to 50 degrees F., this afternoon. Because of the sunny and warm weather, I worked on 4-ball and club juggling for about 1 1/2 hours. If I had been practicing this much in the past, I would have a juggling act. But maybe a regular hour or so practice session about daily, will give me the skill for a great basic 4-ball and club juggling display.
It was 18 degrees F early this moening - COLD!
It seems that to learn a little, I have to study a lot. More than facts, reading and studying opens, expands, and exercises my mind.
I organied and plan my reading on a tight schedule. Scholarship is my 'ocupation.' Learning is 'painful' for me, altough it must be done.

(7th, About 5:59 P.M.) It is a beautiful sunny, warm day. The temperature is about 68 degrees F. It wasn't as cold this morning as yesterday morning.
4-ball juggling is progressing at a good pace. I can keep a basic display going for about 15 seconds. It will take practice, practice, practice!
Club juggling is also coming along.
My dedication and enthusiasm for Clowning is stronger now than it has ever been! This is the hardest element to substain, after 'life' on Circuses, and living the lifestyle I do.
I am force to live with the bullshit I am subjected to in order to have the freedom to develope. If I was to live on my own, I would have to work a regular, steady job, thus depriving me of the time for development, physically, intellectually, spiritually. I can't even 'bum' around and travel, because I would have to "work" for a living.
I make a living putting up with shit!

(4:56 P.M.) I ejaculated this morning. It seems that 'cuming' is a part of my keeping in shape, as important as physical exercise, and scholarship.
I must prevent my enthusiasm of Mime from causing a dislike of being 'home,' and with my family.
But I can't shake the feeling that I have wasted enough years, and have got to make up for the lost time.
Could I have arrived sooner at the artistic point I now occupy?

(10th, About 6:02 P.M.) It was a beautiful sunny day, in the mid-70 degrees F. Yesterday was great, too, only a degree or so cooler. These day are very nice for juggling.
I received the copy of the 1984 Carson and Barnes Circus Route Book this afternoon. If I am lucky, I will never have any more connection with that outfit.
Late this moning I received a call from Olivetree Hill, who is arranging the nutrition study in Birmingam. In answer to an ad in the U.A.B. newspaper, I phoned the given numbeer when I was in Birminham November 29, and signed up. It was, after a short interview, set-up that I could get a physical January 7th, and, if I am deemed 'fit,' I would undergo the "guinea pigship" a week in January and one on February. Of course, I would be paid.
Well, I will be examined in the morning; hopefully, I can start the hospital study soon.
Ms. Hill wanted to schedule me for a 7:30 A.M. physial, the time of the original one that was to be in January. But I retorted that I couldn't be there before 10:30 A.M. Reluctantly, she said to report (740, Lyons-Harrison Center) sometime tomorow morning.
I hope everything works out. I would really like a job outside Mime until I can get a position with a show like Big Apple Circus.
Looking through the route book, I feel ashamed, almost, to have been with that piece of shit!

11-14 December (Tuesday-Friday), Childersburg/Birmingham, Al.

(This record book was purchased from the Woolworth in Five Points-South, in Birmingham, Al., around 11:55 A.M., on Tuesday, December 11, 1984)
(11th, About 12:07 P.M.) I am sitting in the cafeteria of the University Hospital. From about 9:15 A.M., to around _:30 A.M., I have been answering questions, given medical 'test,' X-rayed and talked with about the nutrition study. At _ P.M., I will take a Tread . . .aded Exercise Tolerance Test at the Russelll Ambulatory Center, across the street. And if I pass all f _ sts, I will undergo the _ series (7 days) of a study, beginning F_ary 2.
. . .f. . . ays, I will be given special . . . from 7:00 A.M. to 9:00 P.M. . . .est will . . .
I will _ in a hospital room for the entire study.
3-4 weeks later, there is another series, also 7 days. This 'inprisonment' will be almost like the first one.
I will receive $600 for my participation, plus fee medical check-ups!
So I can forget about a long-term Clown 'job' for a while. Terrific!!
Leslie gave me a ride to the highway in Childersburg - by the Animal Hospital - this morning around 7:50 A.M. I half-heartedly, put my thumb out, and around 8:27 A.M., a truck, driven by a white male, about my age, "answered the call."
I was delivered to the 'front door.'
At present it is sunny and cool, in the low-60 degrees F (I guess), but this morning in Childersbur was very foggy and cold!
Dr. Palmer Q. Bessey, a sugeon, is cnducting the nutrition study. His office is on the 7th floor of the Lyons-Harrison Research building.
Dr. Bessey is researching how Diet can help cure and _ended accident victums.
I have only had a . . . of orange juice (in Childersburg . . .around 6:30 A.M.) and a c_ around 11:15 A,N,) to 'eat' so far today. So when I do ger a chance to eat, I will probably go . . .
N.B.C.-T.V. . . . a 4- . . . adaptation of "The Sun Also Rises" by Ernest Hemingway, Sunday and Monday nights. It was dirested by James Goldstone, who did KENT STATE. I wasn't fond of the book, and I was bored at the movie.

(about 2:45 P.M.) I am presently in the lobby of the Ambulatory Care Center in the Brookwood Medical Center, waiting on Leslie and Bill. Leslie will be 'seen' by Dr. Janet Davis, concerning some female problem. Leslie will not go to a male physican; instead, a trip to Birmingam is made for a 'lady doctor.'
They will be here around 3:15 P.M., and I will ride back to Childersburg with them, after the doctor's visit and shopping.
Transportation to and from Birmingham has and will not cost me anything today.
From around 1:20 P.M., to about 1:50 P.M., I was involved with the Treadmill test. It was my first experience with one, and it was interesting (I hope hair grows back on my chest, at the places the E.C.G. technican shaved, in order for the electrodes to fit securely!). I was told my heart was in excellent condition.
Needless to say, I ate after this . . . test. At Wendy's I had a Triple Cheeseburger with Ketsup only, and a large . . .

(12th, About _:51 A.M.) Leslie, Bill, and I arrived back in Childersburg last night arond 6:45 P.M. We had shopped and 'looked around' at Eastwood Mall, Toy 'R Us, and Century Plaza.
Three weeks from today I begin the first 7-day period of the nutrition study. I don't expect either coast to want my Mime talents before then, and probably not afterwards either.
After receiving pay for this experiment, I planned on 'taking to the road' before the time of the second and final week.

(about 2:27 P.M.) Overcast day, but it got up to 70 degrees F. I took advantage of the beautiful weather to practice juggling. Luci was at the groomers, so she wasn't around to 'bug' me.
I finished John Steinbeck's "The Grapes of Wrath." A very enjoyable book. If this novel even partly reveals and record the society and life of the early 1930's, than I will no longer see 'today' as a regression.
Man's hideous ways towards Man!

(14th, About 4:24 P.M.) For the second day in a row, it has been sunny and in the high 70 degrees F; in fact, it reached 80 degrees F. this afternoon. Beautiful day. And, of course, I took advantage of the weaather and worked on my juggling. It is coming along fine!

(4:45 P.M.) There's n way I can make up for lost time! I should have been concentrating on juggling f_ this past years. But, when I was young, I thought that 'God' cotrolled my clowning, and all the practicing wouldn't affect natural ability. I had to 'grow up' before I found out that it takes hard work, not 'God,' to accomplish success. I was not "born a clown"! Maybe as a 'youngster,' but to be a clown in latter life takes 'blood, sweat, andtears'!
I may appear at a 5-Points South Festival in Birmingham latter this month, that will be celebrating the Hall of Fame Football bowl classic. After that, though, I just don't know.
The stipend I will receive for my participation in the nutrition study, and the tax retund ccomng my way will hold me over, hopefully, until a good outlet 'grabs' me, and not just a job!
Everything must be taken one day at a time. I should be thankful for a place and opportunity to continue to develope my act, and not be 'bitchy' and worried about my situation. I am confident something 'big' will soon come along.
I ejaculated this morning; also Wednesday morning. Masturbation is important to me, since I will probably never have another relationship with a female, or get married.
My speech is horrible and getting worse. I am unattractive to women. Mime may be an escape from all this. Should it be? Should life be happy without Mime? Why can't I enjoy being around a 'home enviroment,' and blame my lack of commerical success on my family?
Or is 'escapism' the key to my artistic success?
What is the reason for my sudden dedication? Is it an attempt to squeeze one more year out of a doomed career?

(about 7:28 P.M.) I am the type of person that has to read and study a lot in order to learn and retain a little. And a lot of the reading and studying is for 'brain' exercise, so that organ can hold more informattion.
My acting talents have always been praised, beginning in 1970. Isn't it about time I live up to it, commerically?

15-17 December (Saturday-Monday), Childersburg, Al

(17th, About 7:23 A.M.) The weather is cooling - yesterday wasn't as 'summerish' as it had been, although Saturday was a beautiful, warm day.
At present it is sunny and cool.
While practicing juggling, I would kick a small, lightweight rubber ball for David; doing so, though, "wrenched" my back, the Lumbago part. The pain was so bad I found it excruciating to walk. At first (Saturday) I blamed juggling for the injury; but yesterday afternoon I figured out . . .was the culprit.
I will not kick that ball anymore!
Saturday evening, while Mama was hunting news of T.V., she came across a 'spot' on the Big Apple Circus. It 'drew' my attention.
This is a place where I really want to work! It would be a great outlet for me! Even if it tales me 2-3 years, I want to get a clownship with that show!
I am presently reading tales from Charles Dicken's "Christmas Books." I have already read 3 or 4 or the shorter (4-5 pages) stories, all concerning the meaning of Christmas - all appears written for and directed at Children - without direct religious reference. But wht drew me to this collection was 'A Christmas Carol.' I have seen countless Movie, T.V., and cartoon versions of the story. It has become a standard 'fare' of the holiday. But I was curious as to the basic for the tale. The Childersburg Public Librry has 2 copies of "Christmas Books," so I checked one out.
Charles Dickens is hard reading for me. But he does make the meaning and spirit of Christman clearer.
My speech is getting worse; I am a very bad reader, finding it difficult (and getting more so) to follow what I am reading; I am unattractive to women; so I turn to Mime. It's all I have, and with it, the above handicaps are overshadowed. I might as well used the siuation to my advantage.
Given the choice, good speech or good Mime, I would take good speech. Why can't I have both, though?

(about 4:21 P.M.) The weather was in the mid-80 degrees F. this afternooon, and the sun was bright. It was a beautiful day! It was another day of juggling!
I finished "A Christmas Carol" earlier. Just like the movie and T.V. versions!
I wrote a letter to the Birmingham Chamber of Commerce a little while ago, announcing my availabiity for the 5-Points, South Festival the 28th-29th of this month; it will be mailed tormorrrow.
It sure would be nice if the weather is spring-like for the festival!
I don't want a clown job next season that would be an artistic repeat of the 1984 Experiment, although the praise will be welcomed. So I am working out, practicing, and developing, for my next experiment, whenever I get a "crack" at another one. And Big Apple seems like a good 'laboratory.'

19 December (Wednesday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 11:15 A.M.) It is another sunny, beautiful Fall day, with a temperature in the mid-70 degrees F. Great Winter Quarters weather!
I worked on juggling earlier. Club and 4-ball jugging is progressing beautifuly.
A large part of juggling is mental, emotional, and spiritual. A unity of body and mind must exist. I am trying to reach such a "partnership."
For so many years I have been trying to 'force' my juggling skill. I have become angry with the balls, etc., for 'messing up.' I have reacted vocaly and physicaly, and with temper tantrums, to "Droppage.'
Whatever I juggle has no mind of its own!
Maybe, at my age, it is not too late to develope juggling.
I have spent a lot of time in the past in sex games. There is a time and place for such; I allowed it to interfere with my practice. To think of all the time I wasted "nuding it," when I should have been busy at work on Mime and Clowning, and even reading.
Maybe it is the pressure of the fantastic 'results' of the 1984 Experiment, but I am about to go crazy wondering about my next outlet, and how I can live up to all the critical acclaim I received this past season, and all the praise of these past years. When I think of the comments and hopes given my Mime talents, it 'bugs' me that I still can't acchieve commercial success.
The stange thing is, I can't seem to get out of the 'business.' I am a failure if I stay in, or try to get out.
Woe is me!
Will I ever 'arrrive'?
If I am so good, why am I in the predictament I currently find myself?

(about 6:02 P.M.) My sex play sent me to jail 2 times years ago. I am just lucky that nothing worse (prison, death, etc) has happen to me.
One of the advantage of my 'trap' of Childersburg 'home-basing' is that my sex play has been restricted, even though I have had some close calls.
If I had another location for my 'office,' no telling where my sex play would have gotten me.
So I should "thank my lucky stars" that I have had a preventive force.
Maybe, though, sex play contribute to the intensity of my artistic release.
'Home,' therefore, serves as a lid for my sex play pot.
I am getting too old for exhibitionism. Maybe what I need is marriage.
But women are repulsed by me!
Am I being punished for my sex games, or is 'someone up there' providing the means of control?

20 December (Thursday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 3:56 P.M.) It was cooler today; in fact, at present it is looking "rainy." I guess it will rain and turn 'winter.' My juggling days are numbered!
I usual don't make mentioned of short stories I read. But "The Chimes" is an exception. It is more of a novelette, by Charles Dickens. Basicaly, the story tries to get people to declare, as a New Year's resolution, to help the poor and underprivileged, and to get involved with helping people. Don't give up hope, it seem to have said, and don't resigh yourself, if you are a member of the Lower class, to second-rate existence.
Great tale!
I am working on my next season. When will that be?
I ejaculated this morning. I may as well get used to such activity - it doesn't appear that I will ever have a female partner. And I do not or will not 'get my rocks off' with another male!

21 December (Friday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 7:30 A.M.) Sometime today Winter officially comes on the scene. The weather has cooled from the Spring-like climate. Hopfully, though, Winter will not be 'allowed' to get a good hold!
Maybe I am flustrated and overwrought with my situation of 'spot work,' because I feel I am the premier Mime Clown in the world today, and, therefore, I should be able to choose any job I want. I shouldn't have to wait for an outlet! How dare anyone do tis to me!!
How will my biography read unless there is something to write about?
My life, writing, and Mime work is being geared for future history, long after I am dead and gone. I do feel closely akin to direct involvement in history. I must live up to it!

22 December, Childersburg, Al.

(About 2:33 P.M.) At present, it is 68 degres F., and sunny, a beautiful AUTUMN day, even though it is Winter. No cmplaints from me!
I completed my Christmas shopping this afternoon.
The 1984 artistic success is of no importance; what counts is the job and outlet I will land soon. The past is driving me mad - my past must be used, and not it use me.
Think as I may, I have a feeling Big Apple Circus is the only circus left to conquer in this country. But why is Paul Binder, the ringmaster-producer, "'fucking' with my mind"? Where is my video cassette?
What could I have done differently? Am I the cause of my present situation?
I guess it is better to have the 'idle' period at the start of a career, rather than at the end!

(about 4:37 P.M.) Most likely, I would have burned myself out years ago if I had worked in Clowning "straight on." As it is, I have kept up the enthusiasm and determination that, I feel, contributes tremendously to the calibre of my style.
I have a lot to look forward to in the future; everything didn't come about already.
Circus living would have driven me crazy if I had gone every year, one after the other. As it is, I am better able to handle the bullshit.
Or could I have adjusted and developed into another style?
Even though festivals keep me in practice, I really don't care that much about performing, exccept at a place like Big Apple Circus. The West Coast T.V. spot that Mariah Skinner is trying to booked the aAnce Parody, isn't something that I am overly excited about and "eating my heat out" for.

23 December (Sunday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 9:45 A.M.) It is sunny and 50 degrees F. I hope it warms this afternoon so I can, at least, get some 4-ball juggling practice in (when my hands are cold, it hurts the hands to catch the clubs).
I read "The Cricket of the Heath," by Charles Dickens. It is a long short story; I don't know if I will read any more long stories in "Christmas Books." But "The Cricket" was interesting.
In a little over a month, I will have lived half of the biblical lifespan o "3 score ten years." That is, if I survive the guinea pigship-hospital stay. So maybe the second half of my life will be organized, with a meaning and purpose. So far I have had a bum's existence.
I can not, at this stage, express what I mean, but it is time I make something of this talent I possess. It is time I stop blaming other people, and society, for my present present situation. In this world, we are each responsible for what we are, and what we become. Just because things don't happen, for which there is no control, or things are as they are through nobody's fault, doesn't justify blaming the world for the way you are. Life is shaping and molding the piece of clay you are given into a workable and usable object. And if you screw up, no one is to blame but yourself.
As the poem states "Help me to accept the things I cannot change, . . .".

24-25 December (Monday-Tuesday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 6:54 A.M.) It is presently and cool, but far from a white Christmas! I most likely will be a sunny and warm Christmas. Fantastic!
Yesterday, Leslie, Bill, mama, and I, had Christmas Feast-gift opening with Joyce, Claude, and David. Even though I was dreading it, as most probably were, the 'party' came off very nicely. I actually enjoyed Christmas! I even enjoyed the Family get-together!!

(about 6:02 P.M.) From a rainy, misty, 50 degrees F., this morning, it became sunny, slightly breezy afternoon in the low 60 degrees F-high 50 degrees F. I was able to work on my juggling.
Incidently, club juggling is coming right along. I hope to be skilled enough to present a basic display on the next show I am with.
With the slow, unproductive years of my past, my future has to be bright. So I shouldn't worry about what did or didn't happpen.

26 December (Wednesday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 10:30 A.M.) A beautiful sunny warm mid-moring, that promises to be a wonderful day. Great day for juggling!
Could it be that I am being attacked by my past because I am in Childersburg and my boyhood home? Would a new enviroment give me a fortress from such an invassion?

27 December, Childersburg, Al

(About 4:06 P.M.) It was damn near 70 degrees F., this afternoon. The sun wasn't as 'strong' as it has been. I was able to work on juggling.
I took Charles Dickens' "Christmas Stories" back to the library today. Good stories, but a lot of them were parts of longer works. And, most of them were written as if a storyteller was "spinning yarns," to friends, relatives. ETC. The symbols of Christmas (sharing, children, helping, Jesus, tc.) permeated them all.
So, therefore, I did not read all of the stories. Besides, I wanted to take advantage of the great weather and work on my craft.
I received a letter from Mariah this afternoon. She and Bob are presently in New Jrsey (on vacataion), but she left an address: Brinton Coxe, 4356 Livingsto Avenue, Dallas, Texas, 75205.
The Walt Disney job doesn't appear it will became available. I have never held out hope for this outlet, anyway; the job was advertised in "Circus Report."
And I wil not be appearing at the Five Points, South, Festival tomorrow in Birmingham.
So the Nutritio study is my next project.

28-29 December (Friday-Saturday), Childersburg, Al.

(29th, About 3:45 P.M.) It was another 'Spring' day, reaching into the mid-70 degrees F. Yesterday was even warmer, in the low 80 degrees F. How much longer will the weather be this great? It must be on my side - I am be afforded ample opportunity to work on juggling.
Earlier in the year of my Clown attendence (1971), I made "plans" for being a 'hippy clown.' Everything must be judged by that 'plan.' Being a Hippy Clown, from the base of 1971, is the standard from which I must view my development. And everything seems to have developed like it should. It is almost like my career and development has been pre-ordained.
I must compare myself to myself, and nothing else.
Unlike cinema, I do not have a recorded retrospect to offer history. But on the other hand, the only performance that counts is my next one.

30 December (Sunday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 3:24 P.M.) It is a beautiful sunny, warm 'Spring' day. Of course, another ideal day for juggling. But I may be suffering from burn-out: mentally and physically, I was not into practicing. It has been ten days or more, in a row that I have been able to work on juggling.
After 2 more days, I will be forced to take a hiatus from juggling, or at least, a slack-up period.
This year or never (1985). I think it is about time I become 'established.' I have wasted too much time. I must be more aggressive and outspoken in arranging outlets and projects. The hell with my insecurit complex! Fucked my speech inpediment! I am the premier Mime Clown of the late 20th Century. And it's about time I get such recognition and the monetary rewards!

31 December (Monday), Childersburg, Al.

(About 6:39 P.M.) Just a few more hours before 1984 becomes history. And it was a tremendously artistic success for me. I only hopr that 1985 can be at least equal, and preferably more, to the luck I enjoyed in 1984.
The hope-for side effects of this intense juggling concentration will be a drawing out of the magic 'stuff' that will guide and help me in my quest for "perfect" Clownship.
In order to know and understand a little, I have to read and study a lot. The same with juggling: it has and will take many hours in order for me to be able to present basic 3-4-ball, and 3-club juggling displays.
I must get closer to David; otherwise, I will regret a missed opportunity later. He is not to blame for my so-called 'late start.' And I think he is, without being able to analysis the emotion, proud to have a juggling clown for an uncle! I really have the best of 2 worlds - I have a perfect chance to be an uncle, and be around 2 of my "offsprings, and I enjoy artistic success. Money and 'things' pale before these 'gifts.'
I hope it is not too late to get close to David.
Avuncular success will not 'age' me prematurely. Nor will it take away from my act. It will probably add to it!





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