2001-10-10 04:49:46 (UTC)

Another day. (or is it?)

Hey dude,

I was depressed and ooh so pissed today. It's not cause I
don't have a boyfriend, really I couldn't care less. But it
is just that there is no fun in this fucking world. Every
time I go online, I see none of my 5 friends. When I do,
they're not really fun to talk to. I like to go totally
wild and let my soul seperate form my body. Just totally
forget that I am who I am, and really just be a happy soul.
Unfortuanatelly, my friends are all honor students with
their noses in the books. Why are my friends fucking
bookworms? Atleast the ones in Chicago? I often get so
fucking neglected by my friends because they prefer books
over friends. Studying over Partying. I gotta find a new
crew to hang with. Unfortunatelly, everyone I know is
either a bookworm, fucking honor/A.P. student, or way over
my league. (Most often drinking) Everyone in my family
thinks I've got something against Polish people. I don't,
realllllllly. The only reason alot of Polish people aren't
my friend is because they smoke, drink and are verrry
oftenly, verry conceited and full of themsalves. I hate
that. I swear, so many people make opinions on things I
like, make me feel as if I should even regret thinking this
way. The more that happens, the more I wish I can just move
out, runaway, or just for once in my life have a place
where I can go and be myself. I know I'm weird. I can't
help it, I was born by people questioning my behavior. (MY
BRA"S.) I hate those bastards. I hate the way they ignore
me, the way they try to care (force of course) but it never
comes out cause their emotions of care are not reall. Does
that are intended for me are only of hate. I hate those
fuckers. Everything they say makes me feel bad about who I
have become, or am becoming. It bites that I can't go out
somewhere to get away from all this negativity. But there
is no place to go. I don't care if there is no one to go
with anymore, cause I discovered that if I am to find
myself, I can only do it alone. Unfortunately the only time
that, that can happen, is when I graduate from high school,
and get out in the world on my own.
Which brings me to another point...heaven, I know you
really want the two of us to go to the same college and be
together and all, and I want that too, but it's just
that... Once one person has found themsalves and their
place in life, then can they finally live with others that
have found themsalves and their places. Dude, you found
yourself. Me I don't know where to start. Hey calli might
be your place. But it's definately not mine. What I'm
trying to say by all this is that, we need to split when we
graduate. Atleast I need it. If it is ment for us to get
together in the end, then we will. Don't ever doubt that.
You always seem to fit in. I never do. I used to. I
believe that I used to know myself better as I was young
and ambitious, then I am now, weak and uncertain. Every
time I'm around friends I wonder, am I myself? Am I
pretending to be someone I'm not? Or is this who I really
am and the person I was, was just me hidding all alone. So
many questions, will they be answered? When? What quest
will I need to take? And when will my call to adventure
come? Fucking shit. (only swearing brightens up my day)
Maybe I'll reread all my letters from Teresa and the
last one from Kayne, because you always brighten my day
dude. He is cool but we should remember that things aren't
what they seem. Nah, I won't read shit. I don't like to
read, and besides, I have to continue with my verry routine
like life. Tommorow I have to go back to lane and try to
fucking finish up my stuff and stuff well I didn't get to
stating all I wanted to but blabla...zzzzzzzzzzzz