ThinklessWriter

KelseyMay
2012-05-11 05:17:03 (UTC)

Are you really where u wanna be ?

At this moment I'm married , I have no idea if I really should be I mean , you get married and you commit yourself to them fully u have no doubts and even when temptation arrives it's easy to say no, it's easy to walk away from people who want to go out and Pick up chicks or guys or fwb's and easy to say no I'm staying in tonight when all your other 'single' friends go out. It's hard , no one told me any of this before I got married and in a way I blame my mom for pushing me into it, I wish she would've stopped me but then again I was so determined that this was what I wanted . So in the end all I can blame is myself I'm no where near perfect and a year into our marriage I've already cheated on my husband over 10 times. I mean after the first 3 times you have this overwhelming feeling of guilt but I tried to break it off! I mean I just can't look into the eyes of a man that I can't deny I love dearly but I know in my heart this isn't right. I stay why? To see him suffer? To see his pain? He doesn't know Im unfaithful but I'm sure in his heart he knows I do/did . I've came so close to leaving him a couple times but I get pep talked into staying , his mom took me to Denny's after I left one time and let me tell you she's been married 3xs the first marriage his dad , she cheated on, they divorced after probably a year and a half . Second marriage , they had an open relationship, it ended bc he was a drunk and hit her . Third marriage , she tried being faithful for three years they got married and could t even make it 5 months . She admitted to me that " there's a right way to do wrong and a wrong way to do wrong" in a lot of ways me and her are a lot alike.. I cannot see myself being faithful to anyone for longer than 2 years .. I cannot see myself being faithful to anyone I deff don't want to keep lying and playing a role when everyone around me knows it's a lie but the man next to mr and I even lie to myself to keep going.. Why ? I love him that's why but if I loved him I wouldn't put him thru the things I do.. I know .. At times I feel so I love with him but other times I feel so distant from him. And then I think to myself well maybe I could learn to love him and be patient and be nurturing and be the woman he needs me to be, but I just don't think I'm that woman right now, and there's so much to lose if I just leave him and that's probably why I haven't left yet. He's my security blanket he's got his career going I get Heath and dental insurance my bills are covered even if something did happen to my job. He has been here for me when no one was. I was so lost when I met him and he made me realize so much about myself but I know he needs me I just can't be the things he needs anymore, and I don't know what changed from when we first met to now but it's hard to think that I've done so much damage to our relationship and he's been soo good to me. Nothing but a good man to me always . He was really jealous though that's what started to push me away and I thought if he wasn't so insecure I could love him the way I'm supposed to, and then He trusts me now , but I still am not happy . I moved away from my home state to a state where I know absolutely no one for him thinking it was the city but all I wanna do is run, the moving day of going from Cali from Texas I tried my hardest to talk him into letting me leave a day after him with my sis in law trying to convince him that if she came she would pay for everything and that's money we need, it didn't fly and I left the same night with him , but I think if I would've waited , I probably would e never left with him. And I'm going back to Cali this sat to visit my fam and everyone keeps asking me if I'm coming back to Texas I mean.. Even he is . I say yes, but the truth is... I just don't know I just dont see anything for me here.. And if it's true love it will be real in a couple years when I'm ready. It's just hard leaving someone you've been with for so long. And I've never been the one to leave I e always been the one left.. I've always said about prior relationships that if you'll do everything you have to for love BUT give up, but sometimes love isn't enough..




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