biscuit_butt

The Godd, The Bad, and The Ugly
2012-05-09 22:02:54 (UTC)

Unsatisfied

I find myself with the fact that I am busy in so many different activities. I do so many things, fill so many rolls, enjoy so many different things in life. What frustrates me with it all is that I am "GOOD" at many, yet don't feel "GREAT" at anything. My life is the epitomy of "Jack of all trades, master of none." I don't feel my belonging, my fitting, or my calling in life. I at times feel that I just muttle through. I do what I have to do to get through the day, go to bed, and start it all again the next day. I enjoy being a parent, coaching, my job, singing, ...... that's it. Can't even think of anything else. I used to have more than that. You know, things that I actually enjoyed in life. I used to enjoy reading, cooking, exercising, hanging out with friends, taking pride in my home, my family, church, just being a part of life. I have lost something in life that lost the connection to those things.
The thought that I don't think that I am really great at anything, I don't feel like I fit in life, my days feel like a mandatory job requirement.
There are many acquaintances in my life. There are many people that I would call friends. There really is not best friend. No confidant. No significant other. No special someone. Part of that is my fault. I don't like to become too vulnerable to people. Vulnerability tends to lead to hurt. I think if I was to really get down to the deep heart of things, I would probably intentionally keep people at arms distance. Probably afraid that if people really get too close, they will find out all my secrets. They may find out that what is really on the outside is just a false mask. A mask of a strong, independent, happy, fulfilled woman. I think I do a decent job in making others see that. But what is really behind that mask is an unfulfilled, tired, insecure, self-doubting person who just longs for a better life. A life of joy and happiness. A life where I have that picket fence and silver lining.
I do know that I am emensly blessed and very undeserving of what God has allowed me in this life. I do not know why he has blessed me with some of the things he has. Especially overwhelmed at the things that he has spared me in my life.
What pulls me emotionally down is not understanding why I don't have the things in life that I so long for and "deserve". Why don't I have that picket fence? That silver lining? That husband that is there by my side? That big beautiful home? That financial security? That group of women that are my best of best buds that is always there for one another? A family that is tight as can be and loves one another?
Instead, I am a twice divorced, single mom of two, recovering from bankruptcy a couple of years ago, overweight, out of shape, too busy to keep a clean house in a house that is way too small and needs way more fixing up than I have the finances or capability to do on my own, I have filled my life with activity, my girls, trying to be and do for others, trying to make people like me and my girls.
I guess what I feel is overbooked, overwhelmed, under-performing in life, failure, undeserving, and unsatisied.
My hope tank is half-full. My faith tank is half-full. My love tank is half-full. I have lost my joy. I really need to find it again in life. I have no spark any more. And when I do find that spark, it only lasts for a short moment and goes out again.
Lord, help me. I have cried out to you so many times before and don't know where you are leading me. It feels like it is taking so long to get me there. I know of the blessings and trials you have brought me to and through in life. I acknowledge that. But God, please help me finally reach that place of peace, joy, and happiness that I have to trust that you have for me. Somewhere, Somehow, and Some way.




Ad: