All that is
My life as I know it is about..
My life as I know it is about to unravel in the most literal sense. What the hell is happening to me? In short, I know exactly what - it's this appeal thing that's really fucked me over. i'm a daze 24 7 i can't enjoy anything, it takes great effort for me to enjoy simple pleasures - it's affecting my work, my priorities have shifted. I'm know longer into it like i used to be - because now i think what's the point if i'm going to lose everything in a couple of months? what's the point if my world as i know it and everything i've worked hard for since october, is about to unravel? it feels like i've sat on something for so long, or ignored it, and now it can no longer be ignored, something has to give. I feel like i'm being punished, but the worst part is i also feel like i deserve it, which is why when i try and pray about it i find it difficult to do. Almost, like i'm irredeemable or something, and god can't possibly listen to me now, and won't because i need to be punished first/ Except the punishment is an expensive one. and one that will come one way or another, in a month's time or so. i had a scary thought last night which was in august/september, i'll be past this somewhat but i don't know what the outcome will be.
So the end of this week/weekend has made me feel like shit. you know, all those feelings that normally equate to feeling like shit: unattractive, slightly fat, unremarkable, desperate, needy, imbalanced. So where do i begin? I'll begin with friday evening
I finish work on friday evening, and I get a phone call from rob as per usual. He's wondering what i'm up to that evening, and whether i want to grab a drink. Rob's a great friend with whom i have lots in common, so I always welcome time spent with him. and it's become a thing we do now, weekly/two weekly basis where we see each other. and we always have a laugh. Anyway rob tells me that this evening around 9 or something, the guys who go to his gym are all meeting up for drinks and he says in the most serious tone as well '...i don't know, maybe you might meet someone nice there...' which i found hilarious, and i laugh and thank him for being so thoughtful lol.
We end up meeting in the square outside my office, we sit and chat for a bit, and go and have a meal at zizi's. then we meet rob's sister and together go to this pub. we're the first ones to arrive and not long after, some people turn up. and of course, I'm expecting some rather fit guys to turn up. Groups start arriving one by one, and amongst one of these groups is a guy called Lee, who i first think is fairly good looking and has the potential to grow on me. then about 3 mins later i decide he's actually not they type i'd usually go for - although pleasant in the most basic definition, I can tell he's probably a bit selfish or self absorbed. it later transpires that he does some acting, plays etc. which when i found out, completely made sense to me. So anyway rob and i chat for some more, and about 45mins later, enter these two quite tall guys (6.2 &6.3 to be exact) who when i first see i think 'meh'. but then after second reviews i see one that looks kind of chatty and easy to talk to. he's standing at the bar and it was my round so i head to the bar to get our drinks and also see it as an opportune moment to speak to him. at first I was like hmm may be something here. but within 3 mins of exchangning words with him, i was completely turned off. it's strange how he had that effect. i dont think that's ever happened to me with a guy before, who i've looked at and thought 'ah he seems nice, and is quite good looking' and then in a matter of mins thought 'no. just no.' it was the way he was loud. he'd answer questions but would offer nothing in return to work with. he would almost 'present' the answer, and not just for you but for the eyes and ears of everyone nearby. was very cocky not just in his tone and responses but in his posture too and by the way he gazed at me - almost like 'i often fall victim to this kind of small talk from girls and i'm used to it, and uh, bored by it, but i'll be a gentleman and humour you whilst I wait for them to hand me my cutlery'. it made me think 'dickhead'. we'll call him 'brain as he reminded me of brain from pinky and the brain So afterwards, I get back to talking with rob and a few others. a few mins later though, i go to the table they're say on to get somethign from my bag, and 'brain' says to me ....