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2012-04-28 00:21:55 (UTC)

sum of all tears!!

I miss my mum... I miss having one... I would ask for just a day with her, but I'm afraid it would leave me more heart broken than now. My Bua has been my strength during this time. I haven't known any other mother. She is so worried about me. She cried so much for what I'm going through.

I wonder what God has in store for me. I've tried everything I can . I've tried explaining, reasoning and even proving my truth.

May be I'm not meant to be with such people. No matter what I've said, even innocently, is misunderstood or mis-communicated. He's just my room-mate now. Not my husband. I don't know what i am to him tho'.

his mum's behavior, i have no proof. i didn't even think i'd need any proof. i didn't even tell him for so long, so as not to disrespect her. but when i did, i thought he wouldn't be prejudiced. but it didn't work that way. even tho' they are parents- they ARE human beings.

all those times when she's been rude to me, hung up on me , screamed at me, embarrassed me. i haven't told him everything. i saw his reaction. he's blinded. i don't want him to choose between his family and me,i never did. but i think he feels the pressure from them. they may not say it outright but they sure behave that way.

this is why i locked myself in the room all day. i didn't want to make them uncomfortable. i felt like i shouldn't be there. i didn't belong.
and girish was the first to shun me. i was among strangers who misunderstood me but the one person i thought i knew, was the first to shun me. so i hid. all day. i didn't know what else to do. it wasn't my house. it wasn't my space. nothing over there was mine. i felt like i was a guest. my husband didn't understand.

what kind of wise adults are these? who emotionally manipulate their son- nephew? i know this now. do everything like the way they do. not in front of him. but i can't i'm not made that way. sly! i cannot believe that people like this exist. i have no way of proving the truth. if god exists. he must be looking at all this happening. why doesn't he do something? or maybe my husband knows the truth. he just chooses to use all these as an excuse to get rid of me. he said that he didn't love me a couple of months after i got married.

i have been pushed to my limit. i've considered some alternatives to this life- some of which require guts. i think about my family and stop myself.

how can someone be so blind to the pain they cause? what 'humanity' in them allows them to do this. so many of them and just one , me.

some actions of his are so cowardly. its easier for him to throw me out of his life than to gather wnough guts to stand up and say- this is right and this isn't no matter who did it.

i asked everyone to talk to him- because he wouldn't talk to me. i thought they were good friends of his. nishant and kinny- how they have twisted everything.

i feel like cutting myself. it relieves some emotional pain. i don't think i will ever have a family. i don't think i will ever be happy. i don't think i will ever have a good life. i made some redeemable mistakes- i took care of them. now he has no excuse.

I've lost all respect for him. His words don't hurt me as much anymore. he wanted me not to cry. I haven't cried . i almost did yesterday morning but i didn't. i've found my escape. it's this place in my mind. I'm still single. I'm still that girl who'd climb on my hostel's terrace at night and think about the man in my future. the man i'd spend my life with. who'd love me immensely. all my dreams and my planning and heartache is for him. he's not real and will not ever be personified. but he's my escape.

who'd share experiences with me. i don't pray anymore. in the life that i'm living. I'm dead. there is no world outside this hole tht i live in. he comes or he doesn't . it doesn't worry me anymore. i don't know whats worse. that he thinks it still matters to me and that it will hurt me if does something defiantly? or the fact that it has stopped affecting me as much.

the day he realizes this, he'll act up again. he'll say that he wants me to leave. or he'll run to chembur- where no one will tell him anything. no one will tell him that its wrong the way you've treated your wife, someone who came to live with you because she believed in you. he wants to act like a child and be pampered while others do everything else. what kind of mentality is this? he thinks he's right in doing all that he did. If it ever comes down to a court hearing- I'll tell everything. as is. I know how much trouble he'll get into and his family too. I don't want anyone to suffer. I just want him to get some sense into his brain. be truthful to himself and be fair. take some ownership and responsibility for what he's done. He's the one who pushed me away . now i'm stepping backwards.

i had a job. a GOOD ONE with a reputed company. if i could work with them sincerely, i would have. but i kept hearing complains about how i was never around for dinners, card playing nights etc, now when i am not taking any work - nothing!. i did a job- they had a problem- i didn't do one- they have a problem. i didn't have money- problem , i have savings- problem. Basically, I'm not wanted around here at all.
And I want to go too. I want to go away. become anonymous. travel, read, be more. I need to write my affirmations daily now.

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